De Immortalitate
by Raum
Summary: COMPLETE "The life of the Roman patrician Antonius is put at stake by his father, Felix. When Felix brings to his only son a new slave, Bella, more reasons arise for Antonius' concerns. Felix's secret can change Antonius' and Bella's destiny." ExB AU/vampires
1. Masters

_**De Immortalitate**_** – **_**Immortality**_

Disclaimer: The characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

The story is set in the Roman Empire, under Diocletian (Roman Emperor from 284 to 305), in a villa not far from Rome. The villa had a part reserved for the master and for some servants, with gardens and luxury, and a part organized as a farm, usually led by a freedman or a slave.

I will use Edward's middle name, Anthony, which in Latin is Antonius. Bella instead will have her usual name (not Isabella, only Bella).

Let's meet _Romanward._

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><p><strong>Chapter 1 – Masters<strong>

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><p>"<em>Ipse dominus dives, operis et laboris expers, _

_quodcumque homini accidit libere, posse retur:/ _

_aequom esse putat, non reputat laboris quid sit._"

"The **master**, abounding in servants and free from labour himself;/ thinks that whatever he happens to choose, can be done;/ he thinks that just, and reckons not what the labour is."

(Titus Maccius Plautus, _Amphitryon_, 170-172)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

When I heard the sound of soft rain in the early morning, my body stiffened. The day wasn't starting under good auspices. I wouldn't see one of my men anymore.

As if it was a day like every other one, I called Sextius. We discussed the managing of the villa, and I gave him the daily tasks for the slaves.

"Master, are you ready to receive the _clientes_?" Sextius asked.

"They can come, but I don't know what errands I might give them today."

"If there's anything that they can do, they could use every coin. Now that the grape harvest is over, many of them don't have a job."

"I'll think about it. Tell Esma to give them something to eat anyway."

I kept myself busy all morning, dreading that Sextius was going to announce my father's arrival at any moment. It had been exactly three moons since Felix's last visit. I hoped that my men hadn't noticed his visits' regularity as accurately as I had.

My servants had always been loyal to me, and I didn't know what I could do to offer them the same loyalty.

But the truth was a burden that I couldn't share. I wasn't going to risk an insurrection that would have just one result: violent, simultaneous death.

I wandered in the house. How many servants had understood that the villa was observed and escape was not allowed, neither for them or for me?

I avoided Esma as long as possible; she was the only one who would notice that I was worried and ask me about my attitude. By lunchtime, I hoped that maybe I was wrong and my father wasn't going to come today or, at least, would go away alone.

I was soon disappointed.

"Master, your father is here," Sextius announced.

I rose immediately and even tried to smile at Sextius.

A lesson from my military training came back to my mind: never show any sign of fear or hesitation – not in front of one of my men.

Felix's frame was so impressive that he seemed to fill even the large atrium to capacity.

In the afternoon's dim light, I couldn't see his features very clearly. Just for a short moment, I remembered what my father's frame looked like to me as a child. He was my giant, my good giant, and every time he got back home from a war or from traveling, it was a day of joy for all the family. It _was_.

"_Ave_, Felix."

His lips stretched in a large smile.

"_Ave et tu_, son." Then he extended his hand. I couldn't deny him the greeting gesture reserved for best friends and family members – not in front of the servants, not after such a long absence – but, for me, it felt odd and disgusting. Making sure not to wince, I shook his hand; I surely didn't consider him a friend.

I motioned toward my _tablinum. _The farther we were from the servants' eyes and ears, the better. I didn't speak a single word while we walked toward my office, my lips pressed in a hard line, but Felix seemed completely indifferent to my behavior. "_Quid agis_, son? How is the farm going?" he asked.

"The harvest was good."

"And the _clientes_? How are they working?"

"Well."

Indeed, the commerce the _clientes_managed for my family, both in Rome and all over the Mediterranean, had brought back a great deal of wealth. But I couldn't care less about it.

Felix smiled and his eyes shone. "Is there anyone you want to complain about?" he asked, almost merry.

"No," I spat.

I had been careful to avoid mentioning a single name of a servant or a client who had been less useful than the others. I had made this mistake once with him, and I knew too well what could result.

His smile gone, Felix shook his head lightly. "Beware, _son_," he warned.

"Beware of what?" I snapped. "I'm not going to damn one of my men if this is what you're asking."

He seemed to relax in his seat and looked at me. I detected what seemed to be a hint of pride in his eyes. Was my anger so amusing to him?

"My little son, always so brave...you would have been an excellent general, indeed."

"I would. And you know that I still could."

"For what? To give some unknown soldier the chance to kill my only son? How could I waste such good potential?"

"Isn't my life wasted here? Am I something more than a slave, stuck in this house, due to your desires?"

"I want you to learn to command," he said, deadpan. "You still have to learn to be detached, and...don't forget that I haven't decided yet what I am going to do with you," he added.

_As if I could forget it_.

"So, Antonius, have you decided who you are going to send away with me?"

I rose from my seat.

"No. Leave my men in peace."

"One of them will surely be at peace, son." He chuckled.

"Don't call me _son_."

Only this last sentence elicited a change in Felix's attitude.

He rose, too. I was considered very tall compared to other men, but he towered over me. I didn't flinch.

"The only reason that you're still alive is because you're my son. Don't forget it. And don't make me regret that I am sparing your life."

"So don't. You want me to choose, don't you? So take me."

He laughed.

"You?" He took my chin in his fingers. _Disgusting_. "You'd prefer to die rather than to give your _father_ one of the slaves? Always so brave and generous, always so fond of these frail men..."

"I'm a human being, no different from them."

"As long as I allow it."

He released me and went back to his seat as if nothing had happened.

"I brought you a present," he announced.

I inhaled sharply and couldn't help but curse. Once again, as I had done over and over through the last months, I damned the fact that not everything from the father I remembered from my childhood had been erased.

When I was a child, my father used to bring me gifts whenever he returned home. I still kept them: the first coins he gave me, a wooden sword, a little chariot that we made together. They were, for me, mementos that reminded me that, many years ago, I truly had a father. The monster in front of me had taken his features. Sometimes his words made me reconnect with the man that he had been, to the father I had loved and who was lost now.

I didn't speak. Refusing a present was a terrible offense, and I knew that it would have been an open declaration of war. I glanced towards the garden; it was almost twilight and a further affront to Felix would have meant that no living being in this house was going to see nightfall.

"See? Since you seem to complain when I take away one of _my_ servants from _my _house when I come to visit you, I bought you a new slave," Felix continued. "She's young and healthy. I've been told that she's so well learned that she could be a preceptor, if she wasn't a woman. I left her in the garden, waiting for her new master. Use her as you wish, for your beloved studies or your pleasure. Enjoy her as long as you can. You know, for me, they are all so breakable." He chuckled.

I was frozen. The monster's words awoke in me the memory of what he had done last spring. I began to shake with rage and felt like I was going to throw up.

But Felix went on, as if nothing was happening.

"Next time I come, I'll take you away with me. There's someone who wants to meet you. _Ave atque vale_, son."

And then, before I could manage a reaction, he was gone.

I went back to the atrium, scanning the faces of the servants. I truly couldn't bear to discover who the sixth servant that had been told to go to serve the master in his city house or in one of his travels was. The truth was very different.

The entire house was silent, and every servant averted his eyes or avoided crossing my path after seeing me so enraged. After all, for a slave who lived in the country, being chosen to serve in the city was an honor and meant a working life easier than the one on the farm. So I knew that they didn't understand why I seemed so anguished when a servant was taken away by my father.

Only my wet-nurse dared to approach me.

"I've prepared you a bath, Antonius," Esma said softly. "And your dinner will be ready as soon as you want it."

I acknowledged her words with a nod and wondered how much she had figured out. Avoiding the subject wasn't enough to hide that she was suffering as much as I was.

After dinner, she came to speak to me again; the worries of the day weren't over.

"Antonius, what do you want me to do with the new slave?"

_Get rid of her_ was my first thought. But all the events of this day certainly weren't the fault of the new servant.

"I'll see her and she'll be accepted in the house. But then, Esma, she's under your care. Teach her to cook; tell her to do all the chores that you want, in the house or on the farm; use her as you please. I don't care."

Isn't that what Felix wanted from me? _Detachment_. The man that I had formerly called _father_, _my_ father, had a bad temper and was a demanding master, but he wasn't a monster. From what I had seen, Felix had changed so much that he didn't care about any person in his house more than I cared about the wood log that a servant had just thrown in the fireplace.

"As you wish," Esma answered. "She's still outside where the master left her. I'll fetch her, and after you've seen her, I'll give her something to eat and a place to sleep."

I couldn't believe that the slave had been left outside for such a long time.

_Hercle!_ I swore. She was still in the garden, in the darkness, after traveling from wherever Felix was before coming here! She must have been scared and tired and famished. As if this day hadn't been hard enough, now I was worried for her and angry at myself after hearing the sadness in Esma's voice. So much for being detached.

"You could have told me about it earlier," I scolded Esma.

She was supposed to know that I wanted the slaves to be treated like the human beings they were, not like objects.

Esma didn't answer, but I didn't need her words to understand that even my wet-nurse hadn't had enough courage to approach me and give me another worry when I was in such a bad mood.

When I spotted the girl in the garden, I thought that Felix had brought me a child.

She was very tiny and, with her head bowed, seemed even smaller. But from the way she walked, I could tell that she wasn't born as a slave. She held her head up high and showed the attitude of a free woman. When she arrived in front of me, it seemed that she needed to remember that she was a slave in front of her master.

Felix was right; she was young and seemed healthy. But he had forgotten to mention that she was beautiful.

I looked closely at her pale face and her flawless skin. Obviously, she wasn't used to working outside; another hint that she wasn't born a slave.

I tilted her chin up; she didn't seem as frightened as I was expecting. Her deep brown eyes were almost serene.

At least, if the girl was going to behave, she could provide good company and some help to Esma.

"You're accepted into this house. Esma will teach you; always do as she says," I told her.

"Esma, give her a tunic, a cloak and a pair of wooden clogs," I instructed.

Then I went away, without bothering to even ask the girl's name.

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><p><strong>None but you can write your review. Thanks for reading!<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

_Ave_ and _Ave atque vale _were common salutation and greeting expressions.

The _tablinum_ was a room reserved for the master as a private office.

_Quid agis?_ means, more or less, _How are you doing?_

The canon name Esme is derived from Esmeralda and corresponds to the Latin "smaragdus." I thought that Esma (Esme + Smaragdus) would be a good compromise.

**Author's Notes**

Many, many thanks to **Camilla10** and **LJSummers**: they are authors of fascinating stories that I absolutely recommend, and offered me their friendship, expertise and support.

Thanks to **Hear** and **SueBee0619**, betas from **Project Team Beta**; thanks to **Emergency Beta Service**, in particular to the lovely **Rags**.

Feel free to follow me on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

On **http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/** you can find twific recs and reviews, author interviews and story extras. There's also a "Writing Lab" with writing tips and experiences!


	2. Slaves

_**De Immortalitate**_** – **_**Immortality**_

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2 – Slaves<strong>

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><p>"<em>Istum quem servum tuum vocas ex isdem seminibus ortum eodem frui caelo, aeque spirare, aeque vivere, aeque mori<em>."

"He whom you call your **slave** sprang from the same stock, is smiled upon by the same skies, and on equal terms with yourself breathes, lives, and dies."

(Seneca, _Epistulae Morales Ad Lucilium_, 47th letter)

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

On the day I arrived at the villa, I was left in the front garden and no one spared me a single glance; it was as if I was invisible. The hours went by, the afternoon's light faded and I remained rooted to the same spot.

The house in front of me was so huge that I felt lost. What kind of people lived in such a large villa? No part of it attracted me. Not the large garden, the long line of columns in the entrance hall, the statues, or the fountain.

I was here only to be given as a slave to Felix's son. I was nothing more than a commodity that could be easily bought or sold – or given as a present.

The images of what Felix and his men had done to my family haunted me. I didn't dare to wonder what his son was going to do to me. I prayed to God to protect me and give me strength to face whatever would happen. Even if death was coming, at least it meant that I would meet again my parents very soon.

The night's dampness chilled me. I rubbed my hands on my arms, embracing myself, and kept looking at the atrium. Finally, I spotted a young man and an elderly woman. I wondered if they were mother and son, but the woman's clothes and attitude seemed more modest than his. The man remained in the atrium; I was going to call them and plead to let me go inside, when the woman came to fetch me.

"What's your name?" she asked. Her voice was calm and warm, and when I looked at her, she smiled at me. It was the first smile I had received since...I pushed away the memories of my parents and of the last time I had been with them.

"I'm Bella."

"I'm Esma. Come, Bella, the master wants to see you."

She reached out a hand toward me, and I stiffened, but she meant no harm. She brushed her hand on my cheek and motioned toward the atrium.

I didn't know how I was supposed to behave with the master. There had been some servants in my home, but my parents had treated them almost like members of the family.

I bowed my head when I arrived in front of the man, waiting for an order or some kind of decision from him.

When he looked at my face and I met his gaze, I felt relieved; he was serious, but his expression wasn't angry. He didn't resemble Felix. The younger man was very tall, but not as gigantic as Felix, and had neither the same pale complexion, nor those dark red eyes that I had noticed in Felix and his men. His green gaze didn't unsettle me, although I had to remember that, from now on, he had the power to decide upon life and death, at his own whim.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**Antonius'**** POV **

The life in the domus went back to its normal course, but something changed in my habits. Almost every moment in my daily life became marked by the silent presence of the new servant.

Wherever I went, I met her more often than all the other servants combined. She brought me my breakfast, served me when I had my meals, and kept my library in order.

I never exchanged a single word with her. I even wondered if she was mute, until I saw her speaking with Esma.

I knew that my wet-nurse was constantly sending her to me, but I didn't scold her. I was glad that the new girl could bring her a distraction.

Wandering in the garden, I wished that I could also find a distraction, but my hopes were apparently not meant to become true. I could remember myself as a boy, playing in this garden, during the summers my family and I had spent here, before everything in my life was destroyed. Those same happy memories had become my nightmares.

The home where I was born was now my prison. I paced up and down the hall. I supposed I resembled the lion I saw in a cage below the stadium, when my father took me on a tour there as a boy.

I had spent hours in this atrium, waiting for any news about my father. Every time he left for war or travelling, we all knew that it could be the last time we saw him. It had been ten years since he had left and hadn't come back, and nobody could find any trace of him. My protector and my hero, the man who inspired my desire to achieve glory, to be strong, to always be brave, had become only a memory. In this house my mother, the servants, and I mourned him as we slowly learned to deal with my father's loss.

I went to the library and took some books. Being here without Caile was still odd and it saddened me; I could understand why Esma avoided entering this room. Her husband had not only been my preceptor, and the most loyal and valued freedman in the family. After Felix's disappearance, he had been a new father to me, the mentor who had guided me from my adolescence to my adulthood.

I would have wanted to ask his advice, as I had done so many times since I became the new master. But now I could rely only on the memories of the time we had spent together. As I took a philosophical essay from the shelves, I remembered one of the lessons Caile had given me.

_In that distant summer night, I woke up from a nightmare, covered in sweat. I had listened to the account of the old servant who worked as a gardener in the villa. I had never seen an adult man cry, but the old man was on the verge of tears when he told what his former master had done to his son. The son of a slave can't be anything other than a slave himself, but it seemed that nobody had bothered to tell that to the young boy. He was hungry and, wandering in the kitchen, took a bread loaf without a second thought. Little did he know that it was theft and that, for a slave, it was punished with a brand. _

_The boy screamed for hours after he had been marked with the fire, like an animal. The word FUR on his forehead was a sign of infamy. But the worst scars were hidden inside him._

_Caile understood how much this story had shocked me. The day after, in the library, he took a text by the philosopher Seneca and read it with me._

"_The master eats more than he can hold, and with monstrous greed loads his belly until it is stretched and at length ceases to do the work of a belly; so that he is at greater pains to discharge all the food than he was to stuff it down. All this time the poor slaves may not move their lips, even to speak. The slightest murmur is repressed by the rod; even a chance sound, — a cough, a sneeze, or a hiccup, — is visited with the lash. There is a grievous penalty for the slightest breach of silence. All night long they must stand about, hungry and dumb._

_The result of it all is that these slaves, who may not talk in their master's presence, talk about their master."_

_As my preceptor showed me those words, I recollected many banquets I had joined in Rome. I remembered the hungry look I had seen on the slaves' faces, when they served the luscious food that my father offered to his guests. I could have been__born as a slave instead than __of__ the son of a powerful politician, and be in the place of those who served us._

"_Kindly remember that he whom you call your slave sprang from the same stock, is smiled upon by the same skies, and on equal terms with yourself breathes, lives, and dies," Caile continued to read. _

I had never forgotten his lesson. Since my father hadn't come back and I had to be in charge, I had always done my best to keep in mind the words that my mentor had pointed out to me that day. I knew that I was stern and wasn't considered a friendly person, but I had never ordered a slave to be marked and, under my authority, nobody in my home had a permanent injury due to a punishment.

I read the same text by Seneca again. There was a passage that I had considered very obscure when I had studied it with Caile. Now I understood it even better than the rest of the philosophical work.

_"They are slaves," people declare. Nay, rather they are men. "Slaves!" No, comrades. "Slaves!" No, they are unpretentious friends. "Slaves!" No, they are our fellow-slaves, if one reflects that Fortune has equal rights over slaves and free men alike._

Didn't I say to Felix that I felt as a slave, a prisoner in my own home?

Where was the gap between me and my slaves now – that same gap that, less than two years ago, seemed so insurmountable?

_As often as you reflect how much power you have over a slave, remember that your master has just as much power over you. "But I have no master," you say. You are still young; perhaps you will have one. _

I recalled the hopes I had about my life before Felix's return. I was thirsty for military glory, more than for the political career my father had dreamed for me. Either way, slavery was never an option for me; I would have died rather than become a slave. But now, there were too many things at stake to choose such a fast escape – as death could be. I knew the rules that my father had set. My suicide would have meant an immediate death sentence for all the people in the house.

A noise caught my attention. The new slave was putting away some Greek manuscripts that I had tried to read earlier, and had just dropped one of them. I didn't bother to scold her for her clumsiness; I didn't give a damn about those Greek books. Greek had always been my chief aggravation and, although I appreciated the ideas of the Greek philosophers, sometimes I still struggled with the language and wasn't completely at ease when I had to speak it.

I frowned when I saw that the young servant seemed to look closely at every manuscript before she put it away. Could she read them? I recalled that Felix had said something about the girl's culture, but I didn't trust a single word of the monster. Anyway, why on Earth would she, just a slave, be interested in it?

I moved close to her and peered over her shoulder while she was still looking at the texts.

"It's Greek," I said.

She almost jumped, startled by my sudden presence. Just for a second, her eyes met my gaze before she cast them down.

"Do you know it?" I asked.

She nodded without lifting her head.

I went in front of her and tilted up her chin. "You can speak when I ask you a question, you know." I continued, "Can you read Greek?"

Again, she nodded. Then, as a second thought, she whispered, "Yes. I can."

"Read it aloud for me," I ordered.

She started with a trembling voice, but after a few words continued smoothly.

_Hercle_, I thought, _she's far better than I with these things_.

"Translate it," I told her.

She lifted her eyes for another second, meeting mine, and then began to translate word by word.

"Can you write it too?"

"I can."

At least she could be useful for the family's business letters.

"Come here," I instructed, going back to my desk. I told her to take a stool and to bring me the Greek works she'd been looking at.

I read and discussed with her some of the Greek literary works I had gathered over the years in my library and, for the first time in months, I realized that my mind wasn't always going to the same obsession: Felix, his threats, and the pain that his return had caused.

Her Greek was very fluent, her pronunciation flawless. Paragraph by paragraph, she was as enchanted as a child in front of a new toy. Every time that I told her to put away a text, she seemed worried at the idea that I wasn't going to continue to read with her. I was amused by her enthusiasm. I had always enjoyed my studies, but not even in the years when Caile had been my preceptor, had I been as eager as her to read more.

I wondered if she had ever seen another library or where she had learned to read and write in a different language. I didn't know anything about her.

"What's your name?" I was curious.

"Bella."

_Bella. Beautiful. It suits her. _I smiled at her and her pale skin became as pink as a mature peach. _Lovely. Are her cheeks as soft?_

She ducked her head and the movement made her dark hair, gathered in a simple braid, shine with fine reddish strands. I wondered how her hair would have looked loose on her shoulders.

"Where are you from, Bella?"

She mentioned a city of the Magna Graecia; I had never been there, but the name was familiar. My family also had business in that area. It was the first time that I had a slave who didn't come from a far country or wasn't born as a slave in one of my family's houses.

"Have you always been a slave?" I decided to ask. Her smile vanished.

"No," she managed to say with a shake of her head.

I didn't ask her anything more; it was selfish of me, but I didn't want to spoil the serenity I had just enjoyed, and I knew that a slave's memories were never happy. If she had been free before, she was suffering even harder because of her new condition. A free woman was used to thinking that her life was safe; she was supposed to have a father, a brother or a husband who were going to look after her and protect her. I wondered what Bella was thinking, knowing that I, the unknown man in front of her, now had the right to decide upon life or death with a single word.

Little did she know that I was in the same situation. Since he had understood that I, his son, considered him a monster and was disgusted by him, Felix had shown a sick pleasure in reminding me that my life was in his hands.

Just recalling Felix, I felt my rage ready to erupt once again.

I tensed. This bright girl, who had read for me and had offered me a pleasant conversation, was nothing but a gift from the creature that I most hated.

"Put everything in order and go to help Esma," I snapped harshly.

I stormed off in a temper, leaving Bella alone.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! None but you can write your review. <strong>

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><p><strong>There is a Twilighted thread for <em>De Immortalitate<em>- thanks Salix caprea!**

**http : / / www. twilighted. net/forum/viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**

(remove spaces from the link above)**  
><strong>

**Chapter's Notes**

Seneca's quotes are from _Letters from a Stoic. Epistulae Morales Ad Lucilium_, 47th letter.

_Heracle_ (also _Hercle_ or _Hercl_) was a Greek hero. It seems to be Antonius' favorite epithet.

Caile is an Etruscan name. The character is a homage to Carlisle.

Some readers asked about Sextius. Does "Seth" ring a bell?

Bella means "beautiful" in Latin, although the adjective "pulchra" (feminine), with the same meaning, was more used.

**Author's Notes**

Many, many thanks to: **Camilla10** and **LJSummers **– I'm honored to call them friends – and to **SueBee0619** and **Anthrobug**, from **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: **http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**


	3. Gods

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended at any point.

Are you ready to meet Alice? Her Latin name, Alica, means "sea" ("als"). It was also the name of anchovies and a sea nymph.

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><p><strong>Chapter 3 – Gods<strong>

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><p>"<em>Deorum Manium iura sancta sunto.<em>

_Humanos leto datos divos habento._"

"Let the rights of the **gods** of the dead be punctually discharged.

Let those who have past into the world of souls be considered as divinified."

(Cicero, _De Legibus_, 2, 9, 22)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

"_Antoooonius," the girl shrieked as soon as she spotted me. I was arriving at the domus to spend spring and summer there. She ran toward me through the gardens, incapable of holding back her enthusiasm. I beamed as soon as I saw that she was no longer a child but was becoming a pretty young lady. She threw her arms around my neck – at least, she attempted to, because she was so small that she couldn't reach higher than my chest. _

_She was immediately followed by her parents, who blanched when they saw the way she was clinging to me, her young master. They bowed their heads in front of me,__and the mother scolded her daughter. _

"_I apologize, master," the father said. "She's a just a child. Please forgive her brass."_

_I laughed. _

"_There's nothing to apologize for! You know that Alica is like a little sister to__me,__and it seems that she's no longer a child. The gods have been gracious to you, Alica; you're a fine young woman. The mistress would be delighted to see you!"_

_Alica released me and flashed me her brightest smile. "You will marry me, Antonius, won't you?"_

"_Alica!" her mother scolded again. "How do you dare to say this to the master!"_

_I, however, remained unflustered. _

"_Little Alica, you know that I want to join the war. I'll be busy and far away from here. Who will take care of you? I'll always be your big brother,__and you'll find a handsome and good man that will love you and will give you many beautiful children. You'll be a wonderful wife and a happy mother."_

_Alica pouted and I was puzzled._

"_What? Don't you want to become a materfamilias?"_

"_You said that I'll find a handsome man."_

"_Of course you will."_

"_You lied." Alica's parents gasped, but I stopped them before they could scold their daughter again._

"_Why?"_

"_Nobody could be as handsome as you," Alica stated, eliciting another whole-hearted laugh from me._

"_Thank you, little girl, I'm flattered. But now, go to my mother."_

"_Antonius...when you are__in the war, I'll pray to the gods for you every day."_

"_I'll count on it, Alica."_

_I dismissed the little servant and greeted her parents._

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

When I woke up, it was still dark, but I couldn't sleep anymore. It wasn't the first time that Alica had showed up in my dreams. They were nightmares; every happy memory was marred by what had happened to her later.

I went outside, alone. It was a chilly fall dawn, but the winter was still a long way off. Every day was a new step toward Felix's next visit, and the thought of his incursion was unbearable.

I wandered through the dark gardens until the sunrise painted the sky with pink strokes, and it made me remember a shy girl with peach-hued cheeks.

_Is she still sleeping?_ I wondered. _Where has Esma put her? _

Bella and Esma were the only women in the manor house, and I felt strange knowing that a beautiful girl and I slept under the same roof.

When I got back to the house, Esma was already working in the kitchen. She prepared bread and cheese and fresh milk for my breakfast and asked if there was anything else that she could do for me.

"How is Bella doing?" I asked.

Esma didn't show her surprise, but I suspected that she was really pleased that, for the first time, not only I had asked something about the new servant, but I had even called her by name.

"She's good and works hard." Esma paused. "Every day, I thank the gods that sent such a lovely girl here."

I frowned.

_What gods do you thank, Esma?_ _Lucina, who didn't give you other sons, even when you lost your firstborn? Or Orbona, who took your only child? Or are you going to thank the gods that didn't appreciate enough all the offerings you gave them when Caile died and made you a widow?_

I didn't speak aloud. I didn't want to hurt Esma.

Other memories came to my mind. When Felix came back for the first time, I had been shocked to note that my father acted and spoke as if he were a god. I had read some myths where gods and goddess had human sons; they were good children's tales, and I had studied them with my preceptors.

Maybe Felix was thinking about Aeneas' story?

After all, I could easily remember all the hours I had to spend studying Virgil's work and reading the _Aeneid, _and I knew that Aeneas, although he was a human, was supposed to be the son of the goddess Venus.

The comparison could be very proper: Aeneas received immortality, and Felix believed that now he was now immortal and that he had the power to grant immortality also to me, should I deserve, in his opinion, such a great honor.

The first time he had claimed that he was immortal and didn't age anymore, just like the gods, I hadn't understood his words.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"_I suppose you have noticed that I'm different, son," he had told me._

"_I have," I admitted. I was in front of my father, the man I had missed for years but, at the same time, I wasn't at ease with him._

"_And what have you noticed?" he prodded._

"_You look the same age you were when you left, ten years ago." I thought it was better to begin with a single issue._

_He nodded."And how do you explain it, son?"_

"_Did you ask for eternal youth and was your wish granted?" I tried to put it mildly._

_He smiled. "You remember the myth of Tithonus, don't you?" he asked._

_I frowned. My father had never been one for literary references. Why did he suddenly want to discuss mythology?_

"_I remember it," I answered. "He was a prince,__and his wife was a goddess. She asked Zeus to make him immortal, but she forgot to ask for eternal youth. So he was damned to live forever."_

_Felix was surprised. "What an interesting choice of words, son! Do you believe that living forever could be a punishment?"_

_Why was he asking me such philosophical questions?_

"_It depends," I said._

"_Upon what?"_

"_Upon the price it requires. Who would want to live forever, suffering as Tithonus did?"_

"_But what if immortality and eternal youth were possible?" he asked._

_I snorted. But Felix was serious. "What if there was a price and I could pay it?" he continued._

"_Are you telling me that it's possible to become immortal?" I couldn't believe it._

"_Don't you know that our emperors are supposed to become immortal?" he tried._

"_Yes, after their death. But I had never believed that it was anything more that a myth."_

_I looked again at Felix. The mention of the word "death" had a strange effect on me. I had seen corpses before and there were odd similarities between__them and Felix's body. I had been surprised by the strength of his hand when he had greeted me, but now I recalled also how cold his skin was._

_I remained in silence._

"_You don't believe in immortality,__and you don't believe in eternal youth," he considered. "But I'm in front of you."_

_I was even more confused._

_He stood up. "I know that you have figured out more than you admit," he told me. "And I expect you to be curious about the price of immortality. But we are going to discuss it another time."_

_-_x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I thought about the months that had passed since this conversation. Now I knew the price.

Was Felix truly a god as he had stated?

At least, since I was held prisoner in my own house, I didn't have to keep up appearances about religion anymore. I couldn't figure out how, especially in the countryside, people could believe that they were helped or thwarted by a bunch of supernatural beings that had more flaws than the humans who revered them.

After witnessing first-hand what Felix was capable of, I was sure that if those were the effects of becoming a god, immortality was the last thing I wanted.

Glimpses of the events of the last months came to my mind again, unwanted. I needed a distraction from my usual obsession, and I needed it as soon as possible.

I paced nervously up and down.

Esma was still busy in the kitchen, and she was alone.

"Where is Bella, now?" I asked her.

"She's working to make a new tunic for you. I have noticed that she even knows how to make some embroidery that I've never seen before."

_This girl seems talented in many ways._

"I'll be in the library," I announced. "Send Bella there."

The hours that I spent reading with Bella in the library had become the best moment of my daily life. She was my best distraction, the only way I had to keep my nightmares and fears at bay for a few, precious hours.

I chose some literary works that I could show to her, this time in Latin. It seemed strange that it was taking her so long to arrive; I was used to always having her nearby, thanks to Esma.

"Did you get lost?" I asked, as soon as she entered the library.

She smiled sheepishly and nodded. I had been just joking with my question, and I couldn't understand how was it actually possible that she got lost in the house.

"Don't you know the house yet?"

She shrugged. "Esma showed me around the house, but sometimes I am still confused. I'm sorry."

"Have you seen the gardens?" I asked.

"Only the front garden, when I arrived."

I didn't want to remember that day. And I couldn't imagine how bad that memory might be for her.

It was a sunny day, albeit cool, and it could be a good opportunity to have a walk around the villa. "Go get your cloak; we're going to read outside."

She seemed surprised, but smiled.

I wasn't used to seeing the house's gardens without their summer blossoms. The fall was giving them all the shades of brown and an unusual silence.

Like fallen leaves, so many people had enjoyed this place and then they were gone. I had thought that, pursuing my military career, I wasn't going to see this place for years and, instead, I had been stuck there for months.

I hadn't invited any of my friends to come visit me, fearing that it could have meant damning them to sharing my captivity.

I had always been a man of action, while I now felt like an old philosopher, as if my own life, similar to those autumn leaves, had been blighted just when it was the right moment for its full bloom.

Death was my shadow, my new companion. I was alone, surrounded by the lies that I was telling my servants and by the suspicions of even worse evils that Felix aroused in me every time we met.

I glanced at the silent girl who was following me in my wanderings.

In the closed space of the library, I had already noticed that her hair was pretty; but it looked gorgeous as the sun made it shine with warm golden and reddish reflections.

"Loosen your hair," I told her. I was too used to giving orders, and my words came out more harshly than I wanted.

She was hesitant. For a moment, her eyes widened, but then she bowed her head and untied her braid. Her hair was even longer than I had expected, and when she slightly shook her head, letting the tresses to go loose on her shoulders and back, I was enchanted looking at the copper strands that stood out in the dark brown mass of her hair.

_Soft. It must be so soft._

I was tempted to extend a hand to touch her hair, but I restrained myself. Instead, I chose a place where we could sit and led her there.

_What is she thinking? Coming here, was it a good idea? Is she anguished recalling the way she arrived here for the first time? _

Although I was an adult, I was upset when I was with Felix. Who knew how she felt when she'd been brought to him? How had she felt when she had traveled with him, or when she was left here in the garden of an unfamiliar house?

_For her, how could I possibly be any different than the son of a scary monster? _

"Bella..." I began.

_What can I say to her? And how is it that I suddenly care about what a slave thinks of__me?_

Everyone in the house had known me for a long time. Bella was the only one who had seen just this face of me – the angry and tormented one. I felt the strange urge to avoid any possible connection, even in her thoughts, between me and Felix. I couldn't bear that anyone, even a slave, could see me and consider me similar to that monster.

"Yes, Master?" she asked.

_Is she afraid that I'm going to ask some other stupid thing, like changing her hairstyle? _

"Never mind," I said. Maybe there was another way to reach her.

The literary work I had chosen for our reading could be a good starting point. She was always so shy and demure, but I had noticed more than once that she could become passionate and at ease when we were reading something that she liked. I could use the writers' words to get to know her better and, above all, to show her something more about me, to gain her trust, eventually. It wasn't her fault if, of all the houses where she could have been brought as a slave, she had arrived directly in the den of a beast. _The gods who protect the slaves, if they actually exist, must have been very angry at you the day you were sold_.

I nodded to a stone bench, watching as she gracefully settled herself.

I had picked a play. The plot was about a father who was punishing himself because he had obstructed his son's happiness and, with his decisions, he had ruined both their lives. The irony was not lost on me, although I still couldn't understand what I – and, more tragically, the people in my home – had done to deserve my father's threats.

"Read it aloud for me," I told her.

As Bella said the lines of the play, I recalled all the times I had joined my friends going to the theatres or to the baths, the feasts and the banquets. Everything was lost, now.

I closed my eyes and soon my memories faded, all my attention focused on the soft voice of the girl beside me.

_Damn_, I was so tired after my troubled night. But I didn't want to sleep if that meant meeting Alica again in my nightmares.

I let Bella's voice lull me into a sleepy peace. Glancing sidelong at her, I relaxed, basking in the caressing sunlight.

She appeared even smaller, curled up in the oversized and threadbare cloak, with her loose hair like a heavy curtain around her face. Images of a younger dark-haired girl were overlapping with the actual view in front of me.

_I miss you, little sister_. _I can't bring you back, but maybe I can help her. Bella could have been a sister for you, Alica. I'll do my best to protect her; I swear, I'll be good to her._

Bella was still reading, until she arrived to a sentence that I remembered very well.

"Stop," I said. "Read it again. There's something that I want to discuss with you."

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><p><strong>None but you can write your review. Thanks for reading.<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

In ancient Roman religion, Lucina was the goddess of childbirth, while Orbona was the one who granted new children to parents who had become childless.

Tithonus was the lover of Eos. She asked Zeus to make Tithonus immortal, but forgot to ask for eternal youth. Tithonus indeed lived forever, but old age pressed full upon him.

Antonius and Bella are reading Terence's _The Self-Tormentor_.

**Author's Notes**

Many, many thanks to my friends **Camilla10** and **LJSummers**, who offered me their expertise and support, and to **JointGifts** and **2Shaes**, from **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: **http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	4. Humans

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: no copyright infringement intended at any point.

Hey there! Many of you expressed their desire to know more about Alica. I'm glad that, like Antonius, you are also fond of this character, who has an important role in the plot.

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><p><strong>Chapter 4 - Humans<strong>

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><p>"<em>Est autem virtus nihil aliud quam in se perfecta et ad summo perducta natura; est igitur homini cum deo similitudo<em>."

"Virtue is nothing but nature perfected and developed to its highest point, and there is therefore a resemblance between **humans** and gods."

(Cicero, _De Legibus_, 1, 25)

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

"_Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto_," I repeated the sentence I had just read. The weight of the scroll in my hands was heavy, and even the smell of the lilies around us couldn't disguise its musty smell. The sun stretched across the garden, as we sat on the carved stone benches.

"What does it mean for you?" the master asked.

I didn't understand his question. "He's saying that, being a man, he thinks that nothing human is alien to him," I tried to explain.

"I know what it says." He snorted, setting the red highlights in his hair dancing. The cloak he wore on his tunic slipped further down, revealing his muscular arm. "I must admit that you're better than me with Greek, but I've always spoken Latin, you know?" He chuckled. "What's _your_ opinion about this idea, Bella?"

I frowned. Day after day, spending time with the master in his library had become a habit, but he had always asked me just to read and translate. He had never seemed interested in knowing my opinion about the works we had read, so I hesitated to answer.

"Do you know who wrote this play?" His voice sounded urgent, as if he was spurning me on to discover some hiding meaning.

I shook my head. I had read Greek tragedies and comedies, but I hadn't studied many Latin authors. My Greek preceptor was very proud of his cultural heritage and considered Latin plays as nothing more than derivative literature, based on Greek ones. I knew better than to tell these ideas to the Roman in front of me!

But the memory of my studies didn't make me smile; it was just another piece of my past that was lost forever.

My master sat up straight on his bench. He had been so relaxed when I was reading aloud, until a few moments ago, but something must have agitated him. I was scanning the lines I had just read, trying to understand what had caused a change in his attitude. He leaned forward and stared into my eyes, as if he was about to reveal something of great importance. He put his hand on the scroll I was reading, claiming my attention.

"His name was Terentius," he began to explain. "He was a slave, but nowadays we remember him because he was a great writer, not because of his master. You've seen the works in my library. Many of them were written by authors who were slaves, while others were written by free and powerful men. Yet, when you read their works can you distinguish readily which author was a free man and which one a slave? In terms of intellectual capacity, do you think it matters?"

More than once I had heard free men uttering the word "slave" with contempt. My master didn't do so. I cringed every time I heard the word. It seemed as if he could sense my reaction to it. His voice was powerful, but kind. I listened to him, caught by every word.

"Terentius was a slave," he continued, "and the characters who are speaking in this scene are free men. But when the author says that, for a man, nothing human is alien to him, he says just 'man' – he doesn't say 'free man' or 'slave.' – What do you think about it, Bella?"

He stared at me, his eyes boring into mine, as if he was trying to decipher me. His eyes made me remember some days when the sea had a deep green color. Looking at him was like being in front of the open sea; I felt overwhelmed and fascinated at the same time. Were my thoughts so important to him?

He was the master of everything around us. The luscious garden where we were, the scroll I was holding, even the clothes I wore or the food I ate...everything belonged to him. How could my ideas offer him something he didn't already have?

"Bella..."

"I... I don't know."

I had seen that many servants didn't get more than a moment of my master's attention. Every morning his _clientes_ had to wait before being received by him for a short while. Instead, when we were together it seemed as if talking with me was the most important thing he had to do. I was even more confused and remained silent.

"Why don't you talk to me?"

I averted my eyes. When we were reading literary and philosophical works, I felt free again; for a short while I could forget that I was a slave. In those moments we were just two people, two _humans_, who could share ideas. _Is that what he is saying__ to me?_

I wasn't brave enough to actually tell him aloud these thoughts.

"I don't want you to fear me," he told me. The expression on his face had softened and his eyes shone with tenderness and understanding as he looked at me. "I know there are many things that you don't understand. I know that you haven't always been a slave, and you wish you weren't here, but believe me when I tell you that I don't wish it either."

I inhaled sharply, worried by his words. The man who had brought me here had said that if I wasn't going to behave myself, I would be sold to one of the town's whorehouses. Or worse, the master could have me beaten or even killed, at his whim. Was the master going to get rid of me?

"Are you going to sell me, Master?" My question came out in no more than a whisper.

"What?" He seemed truly surprised."Bella, that's not what I mean! It's just that..."

He hesitated. "I don't want to be here anymore than you," he added, after a while. "If I could, Bella, I'd free you immediately. Don't you think I can understand you? After all, you've read what the author says, and at the core, as human beings, we are the same, are we not?"

I couldn't grasp the meaning of his words.

_Isn't he my master?_ _And, if so, why did he say that he'd free me, if he could? Couldn't he do it if he wanted?_

"I would never hurt you," he added.

I felt tears at the corner of my eyes. He seemed so different than his father. Was he sincere? He was gentle, but how could I trust the son of the man who had destroyed my family and hurt me so deeply?

I bowed my head, blinking back tears. I gave a sidelong glance at the house.

"Maybe Esma needs some help with the chores," the master observed in a flat voice.

It was as if he had read my mind. Without looking at him, I nodded, grateful that he was giving me a way to go back to my only friend in the villa.

"Go help her," he told me quietly.

I clutched the scroll to my chest. Were we ever going to read the rest of it?

After the master dismissed me, I went back to my usual chores. My thoughts wandered. I had been a joyful girl who enjoyed reading and the arts; I was curious about everything I had the opportunity to discover. That was until the day Felix and his men killed my family. My world had been destroyed and all joy was taken from me. I had been taken away from my city directly to this villa among unknown people.

I continued to wash the clothes, as Esma had told me to do, paying attention to remove even the smallest stains. While we were still traveling, one of Felix's men had told me that I was supposed to immediately do anything that the master was going to require from me and the slightest hesitation would mean a harsh punishment.

Since I had arrived in the house, I had never been punished. _So far_.

Even when the day was over, I couldn't stop thinking about the master's words. In my tiny bed, I curled in a little, tight ball, as if I could try to disappear or hide from the evils that surrounded me. During the day, I didn't know even if I was allowed to cry, so I had learned to choke back my tears. Only at night I finally indulged myself the relief of a long, silent cry.

I began to say my evening prayers.

"God, you can see my pain," I whispered. I repeated to myself that not a single tear was unknown to Him.

One by one, the names of my father, my mother, and my friends elicited memories of voices, embraces and laughs. I recalled every detail. It was my way of remembering that all the happy memories I kept were real, that the girl I once was, the free Bella, had not been completely lost.

A black-eyed boy drifted into my memories. He was the son of my father's best friend, and I had seen him a couple of times when his family had come to pay a visit. Every time our eyes had met, he had given me a bright smile. My father had joked with him, and his laugh had been so joyful that it made me smile too. Back then, I dreamed of becoming a mother one day. I recalled that I had even imagined a dark-haired boy and a cheerful little girl.

I tried to recall the voice of my own mother.

"_Sweet dreams, Cygnula." My mother used to say to me when she put me to bed._

"_Why do you call me that?" I had asked once when I was still a child._

"_It means 'little swan', __honey." _

"_Matercula? Wh__at is a swan?"_

"_It's a big, beautiful bird. When it's still young, it's cute and clumsy, but then it becomes an elegant and noble animal. You're my little swan, and you'll become a fine woman, my dear."_

My mother, or at least the _memory_ of my mother, once again lulled me into some hours of sleep, like when I was a little child.

**Antonius' POV**

Once Bella went back to the house, I paced up and down in the atrium. The literary work I had chosen was meant to be a way to get to know her better – avoiding, at the same time, overt directness. I had tried to reassure her to no avail. She had kept her eyes fixed to the ground even when I had dismissed her and didn't catch that I was smiling at her. It seemed like the only effect I had on Bella was to upset her even more. It bothered me very much.

What could I say to her? That I knew firsthand how it felt to lose my freedom? I was aware of the way slaves were regarded as property. But she was more to me than that. Could I assure her that servants were well treated in my house? It was true so long as I was the only master here. But now I couldn't promise her something I couldn't deliver anymore.

When I couldn't sleep the following night, I came back to the garden.

Sextius had just finished doing the rounds. Although there was no need for a regular patrolling of the villa, he used to check for thieves. I didn't share his concerns: if a thief had been caught in the act, especially after the household had retired at nighttime, he could have been executed; nobody had ever tried to sneak in and risk such a terrible punishment.

I returned to the same spot where I had spent the morning with Bella. How had she ended up in my house? She had admitted that she hadn't always been a slave. She was beautiful and intelligent; where had Felix found her? And what had he done to take her away from her home?

Being awake, at night, reminded me of the time I had spent as a soldier for my military training. The night shifts were often the periods when the most humble foot soldier and the most important general had in common the longing for the people they had left behind at home.

I recalled another time, more than three years ago, when I had been outside looking at the stars.

_We had reached the Danube provinces, and we had seen the forts built in the last years at Aquincum, Bononia, and Intercisa. The Emperor Diocletian considered the campaigns against the Sarmatians as his priority. I had studied the strategies of his previous victories, but when I had arrived there with the army, I had understood how the area was difficult to defend, and new campaigns were necessary. More than ten legions had been sent to patrol the region. We were working to build forts, bridgeheads, and walled towns; the cost of the defense was heavy. Were we going to win again and secure the entire length of the Danube? _

"_What are you thinking, Antonius?" Emeritus' voice, booming even when he tried to keep it low, interrupted my thoughts._

"_War strategies and b__attles...as usual. And you?"_

"_I'm probably a father now." He sighed._

"_Why do you say 'probably'?" This was odd. _

"_When we left, my wife was pregnant. I guess she has had our baby by this time."_

"_Are you hoping to get a little hero? I bet you'll give your son his first shield before he turns three years old!"_

"_May I tell you a secret?" Emeritus smirked. "I'd prefer a daughter. A little girl who will make me feel like her hero. If she will be as beautiful as her mother, she will be a goddess one day."_

_I smiled. At least ten times every day I heard him talk about how attractive and lovely his wife was. But I hadn't know that one of the strongest officers I had ever met could have such a tender spot for a little daughter. _

"_And you, Antonius? Don't you have a woman who is waiting for you __at home?"_

"_Of course! I have at least two women: my mother and my wet-nurse!" I laughed._

_He laughed too, but then he seemed curious._

"_You know, I thought that you..." he mumbled._

"_What?"_

"_I saw that you never join the soldiers when they go to the brothels. But if you don't have a wife..."_

_I couldn't help but smile, seeing that he was so embarrassed talking about my private life._

"_I carefully choose my prey," I told him with a dark voice._

_I recalled the faces of the women I had 'chosen' or who had chosen me. In some cases, I had forgotten__ even their names. I didn't miss any of them, in this lonely night so far from home. _

_I left my friend to think about his wife and the daughter of his dreams, and I returned to my patrol._

_Will I ever have any daughter or son? I wondered. Will I ever fall in love?_

_I daydreamed about the woman who could make me happy as Emeritus was. What was she doing right now? Was she still a little girl, sleeping in this serene night? Maybe she was looking at these same stars. _

_I had considered that I could be more daring than other soldiers, because I didn't have anything to lose fighting in a war. But on nights like this, the thought that I hadn't anyone to come back made me feel only weaker and sadder than my comrades in arms. _

The nightly silence and the garden's dampness wrapped around me like an uneasy blanket. When I had returned home two years ago from my service with the army, I would have never imagined that because of Felix, I wasn't going to go back to my army anymore. I couldn't reconcile the two figures in my head: my father, who, when I was a child, had entertained me with fascinating tales of his life on the battle field, and the monster he had become. He had stolen my freedom, taking away my choices to live my life. He had always encouraged me to be brave, to train myself with hunting, wrestling and gymnastics; but now all these resources were useless to fight against my worst enemy.

I had dreamed of increasing the glory and the power not only of my family, but also of the Roman Empire. Instead, I hadn't been able to keep safe even a little slave in my own family. As I had felt protective of Alica, I felt protective of Bella, now. I couldn't allow her to become another of Felix's victims.

_What is Bella dreaming of right now?_ I wondered.

I hoped that her sleep was peaceful and that every nightmare was kept at bay, at least for her.

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><p><strong>None but you can write your review. Thanks!<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter's notes<strong>

_Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto_ is a quote from Terentius' (Terence) _The self tormentor_.

_Matercula _was a Roman nickname for mother (_mater_).

We met Emmett. His name is Germanic and means "universal" or "strength." Emeritus is a name with a similar sound, but a different meaning; it means "who has completed his work."

**Author's notes**

Many, many thanks to the awesome **Camilla10** and **LJSummers**; to **BelleDean** and **Duskwatcher**, from **Project Team Beta**; to **Emergency Beta Service**, in particular to **sleepyvalentina** and **marly**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: **http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	5. Souls

"**De Immortalitate" - Immortality**

Disclaimer: no copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 5 – Souls<strong>

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><p>"<em>Animae dimidium meae.<em>"

"Half of my **soul**."

(Horace, _Odes_, I, III, 9)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

"The head of the stables and his wife have come to pay a visit," Sextius announced. "They ask to speak to you, Master."

"Show them into the _tablinum_," I told him. I had spent the morning in my office, talking with some _clientes_ and telling them what they had to purchase for the villa and the farm before the winter. The omens said it was going to be a cold one.

"Any bad news, Sextius?" I inquired.

"Not that I know. But they don't seem upset."

The servant, Iacomus, had been recently appointed as _agaso _and was responsible for the horses and stables. It was considered a good position for a slave on the farm, and I was confident that he was doing his work well. I didn't ride my horses as often as I used to, but I wanted to be immediately informed about anything that concerned them.

When I saw that Iacomus was proudly smiling, I supposed that it couldn't mean anything bad. The servant and his wife paid me their homage and announced that my favorite stallion had fathered a new, healthy foal. Very good news indeed.

Shortly before my father's return, a misshapen foal had been sired by the same stallion. It had been seen as a bad _prodigium_ for the farm, and not only did I have to order the slaughter of the newborn, but I also had to offer sacrifices to the gods in order to calm down the tumult among the most superstitious servants. After that, it seemed that the stallion had become incapable of fathering other horses, and the former head of the stables was even suspected of witchcraft.

Finally, all that tumult seemed to be over. That was even better news than the birth of the new horse. I was fed up with all these absurd rituals and more-than-absurd popular beliefs.

"It's good news, Iacomus. I'll come soon to see the new horse," I promised.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I was busy all day with other business concerns. The freeman who was responsible for my family's residence in Rome when we weren't there had sent me a request. Since he was too old to continue to work as he had always done, he had asked me to give his job to his eldest son. Sadly, one of the _clientes_, who had seen him in Rome, had confirmed me that the old man was in very bad shape. Thinking about a substitute for him, I wondered if I would ever see him or my home in Rome again.

When I finally arrived at dinner, I could have used some rest but, more than anything else, I was longing for Bella. Esma surprised me; she hadn't prepared the quick meal I usually ate. The dining room had been set with the _triclinium_, and the little table in front of the couch was full of dishes. Small torches lit the room and their dim light was soothing. I lay down on the soft seat and looked hungrily at the food in front of me.

After serving the main dishes, Esma went out. When she came back, holding a tray, she wasn't alone. I stared at Bella as she slipped into the dining room and stood in a corner, ready to give a hand if she was called to.

A sweet aroma made me moan in anticipation when Esma put the food in front of me. She had even baked a pie – a pear pie, what's more. It was one of my childhood favorites.

My smile grew wide as I tasted it. It was delicious, the best I had ever eaten, and I wanted to give Esma my compliments on the tasty treat she'd cooked for me. But when I did so, I was intrigued by her impish smile. Was it a god's feast day, perhaps? It wouldn't have been the first time Esma tried to make me join her giving offers to the gods. I could recall that in a matter of few days there was the feast of _Epulum Iovis _and of the goddess _Feronia_, protectors of the abundance. Had Esma already started to celebrate them?

"What's that smile for, Esma?" I asked. "Is there any secret beyond the pie?"

"Bella made it," Esma proudly announced.

I beamed at Bella. Even in the evening's half-light, I could see that she was blushing. The dinner had been extraordinary, but could I make it perfect?

I thanked Esma once again and dismissed her, so she might have some rest. Bella and I were alone in the room now. She followed Esma with her eyes as my wet-nurse left the room then gave me a sidelong glance, as if she was waiting to be dismissed too.

"Bella, come here," I instructed.

The first image that came to my mind when I saw her approaching was of the goddess Diana. Although covered in a simple tunic, Bella was more attractive than many patrician women I had met in the city just because of the way she stood. She was lean, but not too thin, and well-proportioned. Her skin was like the finest alabaster – smooth and flawless. Her cheeks, framed by some loose strands of hair that had escaped from her braid, still held the traces of her previous blush.

_She's so innocent_.

Her voice was hesitant, soft. "Yes, Master."

Shifting on the _triclinium_ to make room for her, I directed her to sit beside me. "Have you tasted it?" I asked with a nod to the pie.

Her eyes widened. "No."

The urge to touch her made me feel in a daze. The thought of the food in front of me was strangely alluring. She had touched the things I had just eaten, she had made them with her hands. _For me_, in a certain sense. I was aware that they weren't made out of love, just out of duty. But regardless, I felt cared for.

Esma had always been as a mother to me, always loving. I was used to being spoiled by her. But arriving to dinner, finding a room well prepared, eating the food that Bella had cooked...It was new, and it felt so good.

Itook a small piece of the pie and, holding it with my fingers, I offered it to her. She didn't move, and I stared at her glorious mouth. Her lips were slightly parted, and they seemed like a juicy pomegranate. I wanted to feel them. In a slow motion, I put the piece of pie directly in her mouth.

She remained still, and the blush to her face came back, this time in a shade of deep crimson.

_Mine_. I thought, and it was almost a growl in my mind. _She's mine. She could be mine in every possible way, should I want it. _But I quickly drove away this thought.

We had never been so close, and I could feel the heat coming from her body. I would have liked to hold her, being caressed by her warmth as by a delicious summer breeze.

Memories of all the young women who had surrounded me during my public life flashed through my mind. I could recall the exotic perfumes that the Roman socialites used in the feasts, their jewels, their refined hair-dressings and expert gestures. I had never been impressed by any of them as much as I was attracted, right in that moment, by the purity of the sweet eyes that were staring at me.

In the past –while I had never found a woman that I wanted to marry– I had never lacked female companionship whenever I was so inclined. The high divorce rate in the upper classes created a high number of young matrons more than willing to share my bed. But that behavior was something of the past. After my captivity had begun, I had lived in isolation and sadness.

I felt the deep desire to approach _this_ girl with tenderness.

Many women had found my harsh and mercurial behavior attractive. One of them had told me that conquering my attention had been the most exciting challenge for her. Could I be different for Bella, just for her? I didn't want to challenge her, I actually wanted to take care of her.

Her lips moved slowly while she was eating. They made me think of a ripe cherry. As she licked her lower lip, picking a crumble of the pie, her mouth glistened under the dim light of the torches. _So exquisite_. I stared at her long neck as she swallowed; her grace and the creamy color of her skin reminded me of a swan.

"More?" I asked.

She quickly shook her head.

Eyes closed, I inhaled deeply. She smelled of honey and freshly baked sweets. I savored every drop of her scent with a deep sigh. Smiling again at her, I roamed her face with my eyes. _Smiling, with her and at her, feels so natural, so easy_.

"Bella..." I started. The way her name sounded was lovely: every time I called her, its meaning made me think that I was praising her. _You're truly "Bella."_ _You're so beautiful. _

Slowly, I leaned more toward her. I had to clench my hands in fists to prevent them from closing her in my grip.

But she stiffened.

_I don't want you to be afraid of me_. The words I had said to her in the garden came back once again to my mind. _Can I do at least that? Can I be worthy of her trust? She must know that I would never approach her against her will. _

"You can go, if you want," I told her, resigned.

Had she caught how much I would have liked to put off these parting words? She bowed her head. For a long moment, only the sound of our breaths filled the silent room.

"Good night, Master," she whispered.

I stared at her as she stood up and left our couch. _Stay!_ I screamed in my mind. My heartbeat accelerated as she went out of my reach and left the room. I wanted her against my chest, close to my heart.

That was the first night I dreamed of her.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**Bella's POV**

It had been a long day but I couldn't sleep.

Esma's voice was the first thing I had heard in the morning. She always let me sleep a little longer than she did, and when came to wake me up, for a brief moment I thought that I was still at home with my mother and my own wet-nurse.

"The farmer came to pay a visit and brought a big jar of honey. I'm going to make some sweets and a pie for the master. Come, I'll teach you," she announced.

She took the same quantity of cheese and wheat, mixed them, and together we used the batter to make many small balls. We poured lard into a copper skillet and fried one or two balls at a time, turning them with two stirring rods. We spread each sweet with honey and gave them a final touch, sprinkling them with poppy seed.

After that, we made a pie. Esma told me to core some pears, boil and then grind them. I mixed the ground pears with honey, cumin, sweet wine, beaten eggs and a bit of oil. Then Esma showed me how to cook the pie properly.

It seemed that Esma wanted to prepare not the usual dinner, but a small banquet.

"Is it a god's feast day?" I asked her.

She gave me a sweet smile. "Not yet. But I will thank the gods if today our work will make someone happier." It took us a lot of time to prepare everything in the kitchen, working silently and keeping our thoughts busy.

I was grateful to Esma. She didn't push me into talking about my pain. While I was focused only on the domestic chores she was giving me, I felt more at ease, and when we saw how well the things we had cooked came out, I finally gave even a happy smile.

But I could have never imagined what was going to happen during the dinner. The room was warm, but I felt a shiver when the master told me to sit so close to him and leaned toward me. I was scared, knowing that I was completely in his hands.

_I would never hurt you. _His words came back to my mind.

He called me with tenderness, his voice low and gentle.

_Antonius_. I had to stop myself before I said his name aloud. _He's the master and you are nothing but a slave_. This thought made me stiffen.

His gaze was kind, and a light smile on his lips made him look even younger. I remembered some banquets I had joined when I was at home. What would have happened if I had met him when we were both free? _It's not possible._ I thought. _It's just a dream and can't give you other than more sorrow._

When the master told me that I could go away, I didn't know what to do. I felt the same sense of loss that sometimes I had waking up after a beautiful dream. But I was also relieved at the thought that, alone, I might try to regain my composure. Could the master sense what battle of feelings was raging inside my heart? My cheeks were hot and the thought that he was seeing me blushing made me even more embarrassed.

Finally alone in my bed, I wondered if the racing of my heartbeat was ever going to slow down. I felt as if my lips had been scorched by a burning fire where the master had touched me.

_Antonius. _Quietly, I repeated his name. I had heard Esma calling him and I was impressed by the way she always said it with so much sweetness and affection.

The events of the evening kept me awake and restless. I took my cloak and stepped out from the bedroom. It wasn't dawn yet. I wandered around the house, trying to not get lost, until I saw a corridor that I remembered well. It led to the garden where I had been reading with Antonius. I took some more steps and looked at the dark garden now shrouded with night. The moonlight barely illuminated the dark foliage which rustled in the night breeze, but I easily found the path and followed it to a small copse of trees; I crouched there, on the ground. The cloak I snuggled into was coarse against my skin and wasn't enough to shelter me from night's dampness, but I didn't want to go back to the house yet.

_What remains of the girl I used to be?Even these clothes on my back aren't mine. _Once again, I thought about my family home. Nothing belonged to me anymore. I stared at the blinking stars, trying to lose myself in them. They resembled little holes in the dark sky. Could Heaven's light filter through them?

My mother had told me that everyone has a guardian angel. Was my guardian angel looking at me from the sky? The stars blurred when my eyes filled with tears.

_Mother... Father... can you see me? _Since my parents and I had become Christians, we had been taught that life didn't end with the death of the body. I believed that my mother and my father were still living, enjoying the Heaven they had deserved since they had defended their faith with their own blood.

If I closed my eyes, or looked at the sky for a while, I could imagine that I was still at home. The restless night wind stirred the fallen leaves, making me shiver. I struggled to remember the feeling of a pleasant summer breeze, the scents of my home's garden and the blossoming flowers that I admired so much.

"Mother... Father... I miss you so much," I started to whisper. "Please keep watch over me and pray for me, so that I can be blessed with your faith and your strength."

I squeezed my eyes shut, wondering if I could speak to them as if they were watching me.

_Are they worried about me? _

As if a dam wall had broken, images of the last moments with my family started to flood my mind. I recalled the screams of my mother when I had been taken away from her embrace.

_No, no..._I said to myself. I didn't want to relive that day anymore, nor the ones that followed. That wasn't the way I wanted to remember my family. Tears heated my face. "God...O God, come to my aid," I begged. "O God, make haste to help me!"

The memory of Esma, with her smile and her loving caresses, was the first light I recognized in the darkness – the darkness I had been left to wander in when my family was destroyed.

This course of thought helped me to calm down and to keep my most frightening memories at bay. Meeting Esma had been, for me, the first sign that God had not forsaken me, that my parents had sent an angel to protect me.

"God, thank you for Esma. Bless her and make her believe in you. She's so good, she's been so good to me."

I started to talk to my mother, as if I was at home. I told her about Esma and the things we had done together. I described the passion she exhibited while teaching me everything about the tasks we attended to in the house.

Bit by bit, I felt that even in my new and unwanted condition I could find a reason to thank God, and so I continued to pray. "I will thank you, God, at all times. I sought you, and you heard me; you delivered me from my fears."

I had faced the fear of death more than once lately but every time, when I had been able to pray, I had felt that God was going to help me in my troubles. "I'm your servant, God," I continued. "I trust in you, my Lord, don't let me be desolate."

_I'm your servant, God. _I repeated these words in my mind. It was the only bondage that I could understand and willingly accept. If I had given my soul to God, it meant that it couldn't be taken despite me being taken from my previous life: it couldn't be sold, even if I had been sold like an ordinary commodity. My freedom had always seemed granted to me. I was the daughter of free Roman citizens. My parents weren't poor, and I was sure that they had never done anything wrong. Why would I have ever considered that I could become a slave? Again, I thought about the man who was my master.

_Antonius. _In my mind, and in my prayers, I always called him by his given name. I had been told that I had to call him "Master," but when I prayed for him and when I talked to God and to my parents of the things that happened to me during the day, Antonius and I were both just souls.

I had been so impressed the first time I entered his library! I had never seen anything similar. Did Antonius know all those literary and philosophical works? I knew that I was supposed only to put them away, not to read them, but I was so curious and eager to get just a glimpse of one of them. The first time Antonius had caught me trying to look at a Greek pamphlet, I had feared that he was going to punish me. Instead, nothing like that happened.

But I couldn't forget that he was always so tormented, his handsome face always marred by a deep frown. Once again I prayed for him, wishing that he could find the freedom and the peace that we both desired so much.

_Why does he make himself sound like a prisoner? Isn't he free?_ I wondered.

I recalled his piercing green eyes and the way they had looked at me during dinner. Once again, his eyes reminded me of the sea, capable of being rough and gentle at the same time. I missed the sea. From my home, I could smell it when the breeze reached the garden.

Antonius seemed so troubled. In some moments, he appeared at ease with me and his gaze was serene, but then, often in a matter of seconds, his expression would darken and he seemed to be so saddened and pained.

"God," I prayed again. "Please, help Antonius. Have mercy on him. He's suffering so much..."

I heard the sound of a sudden movement among the fallen leaves. Then a voice behind me made my blood run cold.

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><p><strong>None but you can write your review. Thanks for reading.<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

About the story of the sick horse: to the Romans, a _prodigium_ was a sign that came from the gods. A bad event tended to be seen as the result of the anger of one of the gods. To avert disaster, the Romans made sacrifices or did other acts to propitiate the appropriate god.

The servant Iacomus is James. You can bet that his wife is Victoria.

The recipes of the sweets that Esma and Bella made are original Latin. They are taken from Cato, _De agricultura_, chapter 79, and from Apicius, _De re coquinaria_ (_On the Subject of Cooking_, IV, 2, 35, "patina de piris"). But if you want to try them...do it at your own risk!

_Triclinium_ is the name of a sort of couch and of the dining room where those couches were used.

Bella's prayer in the garden is part of Psalm 34, King James Version.

**Author's Notes**

Many, many thanks to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher** and **Jmolly**. Don't forget to read their fascinating stories! Thank you also to **Itsange** and **Madmum**.

A special thanks to **Project Team Beta** – they rock!

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: **http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	6. Sufferers

"**De Immortalitate" - Immortality**

Disclaimer: no copyright infringement intended at any point.

In this chapter, we meet Jasper. His Latin name, Jaspis, and his English one have the same meaning: the jasper (_jaspis _in Latin) is a gemstone, an opaque variety of silica, usually red.

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><p><strong>Chapter 6 – Sufferers<strong>

* * *

><p>"<em>Destitutor rabidis praeda cibusque feris;<em>

_Sive colunt habitantque viri, diffidimus illis — _

_Externos didici laesa timere viros._"

"I am left a prey, and food for savage beasts. If men inhabit or cultivate these fields, I am apt to mistrust even them. Already a **sufferer**, I have learned to be slow in giving credit to strangers."

(Ovid, _Epistles_, "Ariadne to Theseus," X, 96-98)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

Everyone in the house was still asleep when I went for a walk in the garden. We soldiers calledthis part of the night _quarta vigilia_. It was my favorite shift, the one that gave me the opportunity to see the new day dispelling the darkness, layer by layer. The light breeze was cold, but I could stay until the _hora prima_, the first hour of the day.

The wind made the fallen leaves swirl around. It had brought some of them into one of the fountains; the gardener would have to clean them in the morning. In the distance, a marble statue seemed a lonely ghost, forever stuck in its graceful position. It had been there since I was born, maybe even before. I remembered that, as a child, I thought that it was huge, and I had wondered if I was ever going to become as tall. With a small chuckle, I recalled that, by the time I was seventeen, I was already as tall as it. I tilted up my head. In the serene sky, I could recognize some constellations. The calm voice of Caile resonated in my memory. On a summer night, when I was ten years old, he had began to teach me the names and the legends about the main constellations.

"_See? That is Polaris, Antonius," Caile told me, pointing toward the sky. "It is the most important star."_

_I stared at it, trying to understand wh__at made it different from all the others. "Why?" I mumbled._

"_Because it doesn't change its position. So, if they get lost, sailors can look at it to find their way back home."_

Alone in my nightly walk, I felt lost. But I was afraid that neither the memory of my preceptor nor the Polar star could help me.

A muffled sound of whispers caught my attention. Someone was hiding among the trees. Out of instinct, I went forward.

"Who goes there?" I growled.

A cry was the only answer I got. As I launched myself at the intruder, I noticed something odd: the shadow seemed too small to belong to an adult man. I met dark eyes full of fear that were staring at me.

"_Hercle_! Bella! What are you doing here?" I shouted.

Bella remained motionless, gaping at me and trying to shrink into herself, as if she wanted to disappear into the ground.

Anger was boiling inside me. What could have happened if she had been found by an unscrupulous servant or, even worse, by an actual intruder?

"Aren't you supposed to be inside, sleeping? Why did you come here?" I scolded her harshly. A stream of tears was the only answer I got. "Stand up!" I ordered.

She scrambled onto her feet. "Antonius, I'm sorry..." she started.

It surprised me when Bella addressed me by my given name. I wanted to hear it again. But Bella seemed to regret it as if she had committed an offense.

"I'm sorry," she said again. Her voice was even more unsure. "Please, Master, don't beat me," she pleaded.

I shuddered. _Alica never called me "Master."_ _Alica, I swore that I was going to take care of Bella, and instead she thinks that I'm going to beat her!_

Bella ducked her head, as if she was waiting for a punishment to arrive at any moment. Slowly, I leaned a hand toward her and took her chin with my fingers. Her skin was cold. How long had she been outside? I had to know what had brought her in the garden at night. Tilting her head up, I made her look me in the eyes.

"I said that I would never hurt you," I remarked. "Just tell me what you were doing." I tried to keep my voice as calm as possible. _Easier said than done._

She appeared to hesitate before answering. Her gaze met mine only for a moment, then she bowed her head again.

"I was...praying," she said, so low that it was almost inaudible.

"You were praying? Outside in the dark?" I couldn't help but mock. "What were you thinking? Do you believe that any god is awake at this hour, listening to you?"

Bella balked. She drew herself up to her full height, suddenly straightening from the slump she had been in. I was even more confused when she glared at me. Why was she so surprised, seeing that I didn't believe in the gods? Wasn't it widely known that so many people, especially among the patricians, only kept up an appearance of believing in traditional religion?

She kept looking at me straight in the eyes. Her body was tense; her lips pursed in a tight line. Then her expression softened, her eyes glistening with tears. "I'm sorry, Master," she said. "I didn't know I wasn't allowed to come here at night." She was hunched now, and I could see that she was slightly trembling.

_What have I done? She doesn't deserve to be treated in this way. _My chest tightened up, and I had to swallow hard. The urge to comfort her became stronger than any other feeling. I didn't stop my hands this time as I took her in my embrace. She was still shaking, suppressing her sobs. Despite her shivering, it felt so natural to have her in my arms. I stroked her long hair, surprised it was so silky under my hands. "Don't cry," I tried to reassure her. "I'm concerned because it could have been dangerous for you, alone and outside in the night. Just don't do it again."

I couldn't figure out yet why she had come here. Since the discussion about Terentius, I had asked again her opinion about the works we read. When we had analyzed the ideas of some Greek philosophers, she had seemed perceptive and open-minded, also about religion. How was it possible that the same girl spent her nights praying outside? I wanted to know more about it. _What kind of go__d requires her to pray__ outside on a cold night?_

"Why did you come here to pray?" I asked.

"I couldn't sleep," she murmured.

_Nor could I. Not after the dinner and after touching your mouth. _My desire to have her in my arms had become true, but I was holding her without any lust. I had always had all the women I wanted, but I would have never sought one who wasn't free to say "no" to me. Bella hadn't recoiled from my embrace, of this I was sure. Could she feel that I wanted just to reassure and protect her? At heart, I was more worried than angry at her. But worried about what? She hadn't been put in my care. She had been given to me just as any other slave. Given from Felix, at that.

_What if she is a spy? _I looked down at her. Wasn't I clever enough to unmask a girl?

Reluctantly, I loosened my arms around her. "Come," I told her softly, starting to walk toward the house.

She followed me silently. It was the moment of the dawn when the sky became a sapphire shade and then the rose light of the morning returned color to everything. I had always looked at it in awe. I loved it even more then, since it made me think about the girl with peach-colored cheeks who was with me.

"He listens to me," I heard her whispering.

_What is she saying? _I stopped. "Who listens to you?"

"God listens to me," she said quietly.

I frowned. _Is she so blind? Why is she so stubborn?_

Again, I couldn't stop my irritation. "Really? Did your gods listen to you when you were brought here? Or care about what happened to your family? You haven't always been a slave – you said so – but what happened to your gods? Were they distracted when you lost your freedom? And since you say they listen to you, can you ask them why they leave me stuck here, thanks to my father?" Just thinking about Felix and my captivity made anger grow inside me. I realized that I was actually yelling at her.

The flood of tears I was waiting for didn't come. _At least that._

Bella tilted up her head, her eyes locked with mine, not even a trace of fear in them."He would listen to you, Master, if you prayed to Him."

I was sure that nobody, even Esma, would have been so brave to talk to me when I was so enraged. And this girl was risking to be punished just to tell me to pray?

"What are you talking about?" I inquired.

She seemed to gather up her courage. I saw her closing her eyes and inhaling deeply. I could tell that it was because she was afraid of my reaction.

The way she was acting made me curious. I wanted her to tell me the truth, and it seemed that I needed to reassure her in order to get her answer. "I'm not going to hurt you, Bella. How many times do I have to repeat it? Speak freely."

"I believe that God listens to anyone who talks to Him," she told me quietly. "I'm suffering and my parents had suffered before me, but God promised Heaven to those who defend their faith. He won't abandon me, even if I am a slave. He will save me."

If she was suffering, if she was a slave, it was only because of Felix. She was in front of the son of the man who had taken everything from her. But as her kind eyes locked with mine, I couldn't detect any accusation toward me. Nevertheless, I knew that Bella's deepest wish was to go away from here. If any god had listened to her, I would never see her again.

"Is this what you were asking of your god? To be saved? To be brought away from here?" I had tried to keep my voice low, but it became louder with each question. "Or what? Were you trying to escape?"

This thought made me shiver. She couldn't know that the house was guarded by men sent by Felix. If she was actually going to try to escape, I didn't want to even think about what would happen to her.

"I wasn't trying to escape, Master," she stated. She was too calm to be telling a lie. But I had to make her understand that she shouldn't try to leave on her own for any reason.

"Don't come here again at nighttime, or outside, for any reason," I ordered. "I can assure that your punishment will be terrible if you try to go away without my permission," I promised. _Better scared than dead_.

She nodded. "I understand, Master."

We went back to the house, but Bella's words had intrigued me. _Why does she talk about a single god? Why does she say that this god is going to listen to me? _As far as she knew, I could have talked to all my gods every day.

The house was still silent at this time in the morning and even our quiet footsteps rang on the marble floor. I turned to take my leave of Bella. I would go back to my office and she would go to the servants' quarters. But there was one unanswered question that nagged me, and I called her name before she disappeared down the hall that would take her back to her bed. She turned abruptly, causing her cloak to swirl around her slim figure.

"For what were you praying?" I inquired, struck again by the serenity of her eyes.

She paused for a moment, perhaps considering her answer. I looked in awe at the fineness of her skin against the dark frame of her hair. She seemed a goddess herself.

"I was praying for me, my parents, and Esma," she said softly. "I was also praying for you, Master," she murmured. Then she went away into the dimness of the darkened halls.

On my way to my office, I passed through the hall where we had had dinner the previous evening. It made me remember another banquet in the years when, without Felix, I had been the only master in the villa and in our family house in Rome.

"_Stichus servus meus liber esto. __I state that this slave of mine becomes free." _

_With those words, Jaspis had straightened, now a free man. It was the first time that I had had the opportunity to free a slave, but I was going to remember this day not only because of my duties as a master, but also because I was probably at least as happy as Jaspis for his newly-acquired freedom._

_A splendid banquet had been prepared. The torches had been positioned in order to illuminate the rich frescos on the walls, which represented scenes of hunting and other banquets. On the floor, rich carpets created an elaborate black and red pattern. As the slaves brought in the food, the room began to ring with voices of appreciation for the dishes. Oysters and mussels had been purchased as entrees. The main course was a dish of mullet. A servant showed the esteemed fish still alive to the guests, so they could have visible proof of its freshness. The guests relaxed on the ample couches, tasting the fine food of the banquet. _

_Jaspis was finally allowed to join them. We were close in age and I hadn't waited until he became able to buy his own freedom with his money. By giving him freedom as a sign of trust and friendship, I was not only thanking a servant who had always been loyal to my family, but I was also strengthening the bond between us. Jaspis, as a freedman, was going to be a very valuable resource for my family's affairs._

_After the main course, the dishes were removed; a slave, expert and able, wiped the small maple tables in front of the couches. Other servants brought sweet cakes, pastry and wine. Sipping a cup of Caecuban wine, I roamed the wide dining room of my urban residence. Among the patricians who were present at the feast, I recognized__many allies and supporters of my family and of my father's political career. I easily read their true intentions. Some of them had tried to buy Jaspis from me. Now that he was a freedman, bonded to my family, they weren't as happy as they pretended to be. _

_My father's advice came back to my memory. "Keep your friends close. But keep your enemies even closer." When he explained to me the secrets of his life as a politician, I had admired his intelligence, but I didn't like that, in order to be a good politician, it seemed that I would have to lie and keep up a façade. I preferred the military life; a soldier couldn't fake his strength. I swallowed hard at the thought of the years I had spent without my father. Was he still alive, somewhere? He had left behind a boy who had become a man. Would he have been proud of me? _

_I glanced at my mother and smiled at her. I had insisted that she join the banquet, although since my father had never returned home, she led a secluded life. Alica had become her shadow; she followed her mistress everywhere, in our city house and in the villa. She tried to cheer up my mother with clothes and hairdressing, and she was happy to follow all the fashion trends from the Oriental countries, keen to entice her mistress to sharing her enthusiasm._

_I looked at Jaspis again. If he had been__a citizen, he would have been an excellent soldier. He had an extraordinary gift for strategy and had helped me greatly while I was preparing to pursue my military career. As a servant and now as a freedman, he had the opportunity to put his cleverness into commerce. He was brave and hardworking and had a way with people, so much that it seemed that he could even read and influence their emotions. I was sure there was no commercial partner who could resist Jaspis's talent of persuasion. _

_I had noticed that his only soft spot was for the girl whom I cared for like a little sister. I thought that Jaspis had earned my family's esteem and gratitude, and I would always be generous to him if he continued to be a loyal friend. However, he still had a long way to convince me that he was the man to whom I would give Alica for good. But I was already confident that Jaspis was going to do all that and then some to accomplish this mission._

For the first time I thought that I could understand how deeply Jaspis and Alica cared for each other. Was I ever going to experience those same feelings?

I put a hand on my chest where Bella's head had rested just a few minutes ago. Had it been a dream? I had been enraged when I had found her in the garden, but then the conversation we had had at nighttime seemed such an intimate moment. I wished I had kept her in my arms longer. _How much longer? It would be never enough._

Her words still sounded in my mind. "_I was praying for you_". For what? Was she asking to her god to kill me? I gave a mirthless laugh. She would have had every right to do so, especially because, as far as she knew, I was connected to the people who made her become a slave.

"Good morning, Master." Sextius' voice snapped me out from my thoughts. "I was looking for you."

"Tell me, Sextius."

"There's a problem with the roof. Would you come to see it?"

The roof had been built by specialized workers; the clay tiles that covered it were disposed as to make the rain flow away without stagnation. Through the _compluvium _–a hole on the roof, the rainwater could fall into the _impluvium_, a sunken part on the atrium floor.

But Sextius had noticed that some tiles were loose. In case of an earthquake –small earthquakes weren't unusual in our area– or of a heavy storm, they could fall. I told him to call for a team of workers directly from Rome.

I didn't know if I was supposed to wait for Felix's approval, since it was a huge project and it required that new people came to the villa.

It seemed that, whatever I did, Felix was in the way. I recalled that the last new person who had arrived to the villa was Bella. Even in this case, he had been involved as he was the one who had brought her here. _How did he find her?_ I wondered. It was a long journey from her city to the villa or to Volterra, where he had told me that he was living for his business.

_Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes_. "I fear the Greeks, even when bringing gifts." I had enough reasons to fear Felix, but there was no way for me to avoid thinking about Bella all the time. What was this girl doing to me?

I had lost most of the people I had cared for, taken by death or by Felix. I bitterly recollected each person the monster had taken from me. I hadn't needed to avoid growing attached to anyone since then: I simply hadn't had the chance to bond with anyone. Until now. Until Bella.

But by becoming fond of her, was I only giving to Felix another way to hurt me and to hurt her again? I could avoid her. But what was wrong about allowing myself to enjoy the company of a sweet, beautiful and intelligent young woman?

Those questions remained without answer.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Reviewers get a little gift!<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

The _manumissio_ was the act by which a master would release a slave from his authority. There were different kinds of _manumissio_; the one described in this chapter is the _manumissio per mensam_, that originated in the time of Empire. A banquet was held and the freed slave could join. A slave had to be at least 18 years old to be freed. If he was older than thirty – but it's not the case in Jaspis's story – he could become also a Roman citizen.

**Author's Notes**

Many, many thanks to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Thanks to **Project Team Beta**!

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: **http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	7. Monsters

"**De Immortalitate" - Immortality**

Disclaimer: _Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 7 – Monsters<strong>

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><p>"<em>Quod genus hoc hominum? <em>_Quaeve hunc tam barbara morem_

_permittit patria Hospitio prohibemur harenae;_

_bella cient, primaque vetant consistere terra._

_Si genus humanum et mortalia temnitis arma_

_at sperate deos memores fandi atque nefandi._"

"What men, what **monsters**, what inhuman race,/ What laws, what barbarous customs of the place,/ Shut up a desert shore to drowning men,/ And drive us to the cruel seas again?/ If our hard fortune no compassion draws,/ Nor hospitable rights, nor human laws,/ The gods are just, and will revenge our cause."

(Vergil, _Aeneid_, I, 539-543)

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

When I came back to the room I shared with Esma, she was still asleep. In my tiny bed, I closed my eyes and tried to get some rest but to no avail. After what had happened with Antonius in the garden, I wouldn't have been able to say if I was dreading the new day or looking forward to it. My master's embrace had made me feel so small, but warm and protected at the same time. Could I trust him? He had always said he wouldn't hurt me, but he had been so angry when he had found me outside. I couldn't believe that I had had the courage to tell him that I was praying, and for him as well. Wasn't he the son of the man who had enslaved me? Hadn't the man who killed my parents been sent by Antonius' father? This thought made me shiver. I cried at the memory of the man who had brought me to Felix. His words and their obscure meaning still haunted me.

"_She's probably a virgin," he said to Felix, who seemed to be his leader. I felt as if I was choking. _

"_She's supposed to be sweeter. I think that you will like her," the man added. When Felix looked at me, I trembled. His me__ssenger had manhandled me, and when he took me by the arm, the bruises I had there hurt. _

_I screamed, fearing that he was going to rape me, but he didn't. He did something else that I couldn't understand: he...sniffed me._

_Then he released me. "A gift for my son," I heard him mumbling. "She could be a good lesson." Good lesson for what?_

I took some deep breaths, trying to calm down. My parents had told me that we were supposed to pray for our enemies, even to forgive them. But if I only dared to remember the men who had taken my parents' life, I could neither forgive nor pray for them. Every single memory about them made me weep angrily.

Antonius couldn't be like Felix. I couldn't hate him. My master seemed happy to be with me, and it made me feel a strange warmth inside. He was older and so much stronger than I, but I had the desire to take care of him and make him smile. He was so beautiful when he smiled; at dinner, the smile he had given me was glorious. I recalled that the first time he had brought me into the garden, he had almost fallen asleep while I was reading to him. He was so relaxed, so serene, and I had been tempted to caress his disheveled hair. I would have loved to see him always so at ease, at peace.

Was he still angry at me? Why had he hurt my feelings when he had discovered that I was praying? But I wasn't mad at him. He seemed so tormented that I was only sad for him. Again, the same question came to my mind: _Why does he suffer so much?_

Esma stirred in her slumber. I wiped my tears, waiting for her to wake up. I followed her to the kitchen and did the chores she gave me, until she told me that I could go weave and sew. The master was nowhere to be seen, and nobody told me to go to the library. I did the ordinary darning work for the simple tunics and cloaks of other slaves and freedmen who didn't have a wife or a daughter who could do that for them. Then I could devote my attention to the work I liked most. At home, my wet-nurse had taught me to weave and to embroider, and I was making a new tunic for Antonius. After working with the coarse fabrics of the servants' clothes, the fine wool that had been purchased for the master seemed even softer.

The wind outside had grown and rattled the pine shutters, creating drafts around the small room where the loom was. I felt at ease there, more than in the spacious, rich rooms reserved to the master and his guests. At first, I had been impressed by the mosaics and the frescos that decorated the master's quarters, but then, I preferred the intimate atmosphere of the kitchen or of the cozy room where I was weaving. I was so focused on the task that I barely heard the sound of footsteps. I imagined it was Esma who was coming to see how my work was progressing or to give me a different chore to do.

"Do you think that the master will like the new tunic I'm making for him?" I asked without looking behind me, as soon as I sensed that she was entering the room.

"I'm sure he will!" I heard. But it wasn't Esma's voice. I spun around and felt the rush of blood to my cheeks.

Antonius was just behind me, almost laughing, his eyes bright and shining as the sea on a summer day. "I wasn't trying to startle you. But seeing you so engrossed in your work, it was kind of fascinating. I couldn't refrain from telling to you that I appreciate what you are doing," he told me, giving me a gorgeous grin that I had seen before, although rarely.

I had called it _his crooked grin_. When he had that expression on his face it was the positive sign that he was actually in a good mood. "Sorry, Master, I didn't hear you coming," I excused myself sheepishly.

"I think that this time it's better than in the garden in the middle of the night," he observed. But he was still smiling, thankfully. "May I see the tunic you are making?"

I showed him how my work was progressing.

He looked at it and nodded appreciatively. "So you can cook, weave and sew. _Domum servavit, lanam fecit._"

It made me blush: it was the traditional praise reserved for mothers and wives. It meant that he was actually paying me a compliment.

But then his expression changed. He wasn't merry anymore, but he wasn't angry, either. His gaze became softer and his smile more tender. "Did you learn to embroider when you were at your home?" he asked. His voice was lower.

"I did." So many memories were ready to come again to my mind.

"Did you do it for your father or maybe...for your husband?" he continued. He seemed to hesitate before asking me about my husband.

_Husband? _I had never even received an engagement proposal! I suddenly remembered Jacobus. Our fathers had been best friends, and maybe they had hoped that we would get married one day, but my father had never mentioned anything to me and then...then it had been too late. "I used to spin for my father, but I didn't have a husband," I explained.

A light smile rested on his lips for a short moment. "How old are you?"

"I've just turned nineteen."

He mumbled something that sounded like "a year older than Alica," but I couldn't understand what he was referring to. "You're five years younger than me," he noted, almost to himself. His smile went away. He remained silent for some moments, buried in his thoughts.

_What am I supposed to do?_ I wondered.

"Bella, what happened to your family?" he asked out of the blue.

I was breathless from his sudden change of demeanor. How could he possibly ask me something like this when he knew very well what had happened! "I'm sure you know," I blurted. This time I was sure that I was going to be punished, and severely. Without any doubt, I had earned it. The master seemed more confused than enraged. Nevertheless, I bowed my head, waiting for his punishment to come.

"Bella, look at me." His voice was loud and firm, but he wasn't yelling.

I raised my gaze; his eyes were darker.

"Why do you think so? Why do you think I know what happened to your parents?"

I felt cornered. He had already shown me that he didn't like it when I didn't answer his questions, but my answer was going to accuse his father of my parents' deaths. _God, please help me! _I thought before speaking. I could feel my eyes start to burn with the tears building behind them.

"Your father's men came to our home at night," I began to explain. "My family and a group of friends were assembled. My parents, the people in our house, our friends – they were all taken. I was with my mother." I couldn't continue. I swallowed hard. Tears were streaming down my face, and I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. "A man took me. He said that the people in the house were all dead and I was...lucky, because I was going to be given to his leader. Then he brought me to your father." I couldn't say more. I remained silent, head bowed, eyes fixed to the ground. After a while, I risked a glance at the master.

He seemed frozen. So pale and still, he reminded me of the statues of Greek heroes that I had seen in the past, but–unlike those–his hand were clenched in fists. "Listen to me," he started. His voice was low: it seemed that talking without yelling took him great effort. "I need you to believe what I'm going to say."

"Yes, Master," I agreed.

"No, Bella. I don't want you to believe me because I'm your master and because what I say is never questioned in this house. I want you to believe me because I have never lied to you, and I'm not going to do it now."

A crease on his forehead marred Antonius' expression as he frowned. A veil of sadness covered his eyes as he stared at me. He didn't seem angry; he seemed hurt. As if I had just offended him–and I had, actually.

"I didn't know how Felix was involved in your family's fate until now," he stated. "But I can swear that I never had, and I don't have, any control over it." He paused.

"Felix, the man you called my father–he _used_ to be my father." Antonius' voice wasn't firm anymore; he averted his eyes from me and cringed as he said his father's name. "But then he changed. I can understand that you hate him, because I hate him too. So how could you think that I am responsible like he is? How could you believe that I was involved in your parents' death or in bringing you here as a slave when I told you that I'd free you immediately if I could?"

Was I supposed to answer? Before I could decide what to say, he spoke again.

"You're Christian."

That wasn't a question. But I knew that it could be my death sentence.

"In the garden, at night, you weren't praying to the gods. You were praying to _your_ God," he continued.

It was the moment of truth, it seemed. I didn't know why, but I gave a quick glance to the tunic I had been working on before the master came in the room. It had been such a mundane activity and then, in a matter of moments, I had been called to tell the story of my family and to confess my faith.

I limited myself to a nod, confirming his words.

Since I had admitted that I was a Christian, he could have asked me to offer sacrifices to his gods. I was going to refuse, and he could have done with me as he pleased, not only because he was my master, but because I could be considered as an enemy of his religion too. At this new thought, I cried new tears. I was going to wipe them away, but he did it on my behalf, caressing my cheeks with his thumbs.

"Why do you pray for me?" he murmured.

I looked at him. I had never seen such a sweetly melancholy expression. _I don't know why, but I'm so sad when you're like this_,I would have answered. _I'm happy when you are. Every moment we spend together is precious. You have never made me feel like a slave, although you are my master._

"I'm sorry," I whispered, although I didn't know what I was sorry for. "I pray because I wish that you could find peace."

"Now I understand what he has done," he murmured, his voice so soft that it seemed that he was speaking to himself. Then his eyes met mine, a hard expression in his gaze. "Felix is a monster. I know what he is capable of," he said. He took a breath before going on. "And you believe that I'm a monster, too," he added. Again, it wasn't a question.

But this wasn't true, and I wanted to say so. Whatever was going to happen, I didn't want Antonius to think that I considered him to be like Felix. His words about his father and about his relationship with him had confirmed, as I had already sensed, that he couldn't be connected to the persecutions against people of my faith. I opened my mouth to speak, but he raised a hand, stopping me.

He came closer. I closed my eyes and savored his scent as he cupped my face with his palms. I felt safe, like when I used to sit under the odorous pines in my home's garden. "I would never intentionally make you cry," he said.

I recalled the dinner and the night in the garden when he had held me. Every time he had come close to me, he had been nothing but gentle and protective. I wished so much that we weren't master and slave, that we could be just a young man and a girl–two _people_, as he had said before. I wished so much that he would embrace me. I longed for the warmth I felt when I was in his arms.

He grazed my cheek with his fingers. I leaned my face into his palm, drawn to the emotion in his eyes. I couldn't bear that he believed that I saw him as a monster.

"It's true, I'm Christian. I'm ready to accept whatever you will decide to do with me, but I have never thought that you are a monster!" I blurted. "Never! Please believe me!" I was again in his arms, clutched to his chest.

He leaned his chin on my head and rubbed my shoulders, calming me with shushing sounds. "I know, Bella. I know."

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading. None but you can write <em>your<em> review.**

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

The Latin expression "_Domum servavit, lanam fecit_" meant that the woman took care of her home and had a talent for spinning and weaving. This and chastity were among the best qualities for a woman, according to the traditional Roman ideals.

Jacobus is Jacob. But you know that.

**Author's Notes**

Romanward_ gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Special thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: **http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	8. Ghosts

**"De Immortalitate" - Immortality**

Disclaimer: the characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 8 – Ghosts<strong>

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><p>"<em>At cantu commotae Erebi de sedibus imis<em>

_umbrae ibant tenues simulacraque luce carentum,_

_quam multa in foliis avium se milia condunt._"

"Then from the deepest deeps of Erebus, wrung by his minstrelsy,

the hollow shades came trooping, **ghostly** semblances of forms lost to the light,

as birds by myriads hie to greenwood boughs for cover."

(Vergil, _Georgics_, IV, 471-473)

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

"Saturnalia is approaching in a little more than a month," Esma said quietly, without interrupting our sewing work. I threw another bundle of sticks on the fireplace. We were sitting close by the fire; while the winds howled outside, the heat of the crackling flames comforted us. "It will be the first time for you here, Bella."

As Christians, my family hadn't celebrated Saturnalia. However, I knew how important it was for pagans, especially for their children; it was even called "the best of days." I had heard that pagans exchanged gifts on that festivity: the adults wished good luck to each other with boughs of laurel called _strenae_, while children got small clay dolls called _sigillaria_. My vision blurred as tears welled in my eyes: I wasn't going to join pagan traditions and I wouldn't have the chance to enjoy a feast with my family anymore. I kept my head bowed, relieved that Esma hadn't seen that I was in tears.

"We could make pastries and sweets," she continued. "Antonius will like them." He was always her first thought. How nurturing had she been when she had her own child? She paused in her sewing.

The thought that both Esma and I had someone to mourn for made my chest ache. I wanted to give her any small comfort I could. I took a deep breath and swallowed back the lump in my throat. "Will you teach me to cook other sweets?" I asked.

"Of course, dear." She gave me a sweet smile, resuming her sewing.

The peaceful work that Esma and I did every day was the thing that most reminded me of my family. I was an only child, but my mother had told me her memories of the time when she and her sisters were still unmarried and lived at their parents' home. They used to talk while they were working, sharing dreams and fears about their adult life. They knew that their time together was likely to end as soon as their parents arranged their marriages and they might have to live far from home. The time I spent with Esma made me imagine what my mother's family life had been like when she was a girl. Our circumstances were different, though: as a free woman, she had options I didn't have anymore. As a slave, what dreams could I have for my future?

"Saturnalia were my child's favorite time," Esma murmured after a while. I was relieved that she had interrupted my course of thoughts. "When I see the master, I imagine how my son would be by now." For the first time since she had told me that her only child had died, Esma was speaking about him. "I dream that he would have been just like the master. He's a good man."

_That he is_, I could confirm. I looked at our hands as they continued to move on the clothes we were mending. _We are so different: a freed woma__n and a slave, an aged woman and a young one, a pagan and a Christian, but we both care for the same man. _

I put away the tunic I had just finished mending and took a cloak. The fabric was threadbare, and I turned the garment over in my hands, wondering how I could fix it.

"Do you need help?" Esma asked.

"Please." I sheepishly smiled at her. "I'm afraid it's too ruined to be mended."

Esma took the garment from my hands and looked closely at it. "See?" She pointed to the hem. "This part is too worn indeed, but we can still work with the rest. I'll cut the hem and you can put a fringe on it. It will be a shorter cloak but still usable."

"With a fringe and maybe some embroidery, it can become a _palla_," I suggested. "I've seen many women in my city wearing a wrap like this."

Esma stopped as if my words had made her remember something. She closed her eyes and pursued her lips in a tight line. I lightly caressed her hand, without understanding the reason for her upset. "Alica had a cloak like this," she whispered. "This will be the first Saturnalia without her."

Had I ever heard of that name? She couldn't be Esma's child, because he was a boy. I hoped that Esma was going to tell the rest of the story, but she remained silent and continued to sew. Then, I remembered. _One year older than Alica_: Antonius had mumbled those words when he had asked me how old I was. What if Alica had been a special woman in Antonius' life? I shivered, though the crackling fire was keeping the room warm. I didn't know where the thought came from, nor why I considered it disturbing that there could have been a young woman close to my master. Had Antonius had a wife? I gathered my courage and tried to make Esma tell me more. "Who is Alica?" I asked.

When Esma's eyes met mine, I saw tears in them. "She was a girl who lived here," she murmured. Then she looked down at her lap. "She was such a good girl. You know, you remind me of her sometimes."

_She was. Could her death be the reason that Antonius was so sad? _I urged her to continue. "What happened to her?"

Esma hesitated before answering. "It's not my story to tell." For the first time since I had met her, I saw her expression harden. "Please, Bella, don't ever mention her to Antonius." Her tone didn't permit any reply.

So it was true! There had been a woman called Alica, who was–in what way?–connected to my master. Why did my heart begin to hammer in my chest at that thought? Maybe someone else in the house knew Alica's story. How could I find more about it?

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

The fading afternoon sun was coloring the trees with warm golden and copper shades. Going back in the house after a walk in the garden, I spotted Bella carrying a bucket of water from the fount to the house. With a smile, I remembered that it had taken her a while to not get lost in the villa. I followed her with my gaze as she walked on the gravel path as quickly as the weight of the bucket allowed. She hadn't seen me and appeared more at ease than when we were together. I recalled the last conversation I had had with her and the moment I had held her in my arms. _Will she ever understand that I don't want her to be tense __when she's with me?_

With such a clear sky, the sunset was going to be impressive. I went to the place where I could enjoy the view in its full glory. The _solarium_ was smaller than in other villas, but I considered it my sanctuary. From that secluded spot in the house, I could look at the gardens without being seen. Since the balcony was covered by its own roof, I could get there even when it rained.

In my childhood, it was the place where I daydreamed of games and adventures; then it had become my refuge when I needed to be alone with my thoughts. I wondered about showing it to Bella; she was the only person with whom I had ever desired to share my refuge. _Maybe, someday... _At least it would be a secret easy to tell. There were other secrets–terrible ones–that I couldn't reveal. Bella had told me the story of her family and had shared with me her sorrow, but I couldn't do the same. I couldn't put her at risk by telling her the unbelievable truth about Felix.

The sun set behind the horizon, throwing his last rays of gold across the landscape. As I saw the dusk swallowing another day, I made up my mind. I was going to confront Felix about what he had done to Bella and her family. She didn't seem aware that, since she and her family were all free Roman citizens, he and his men couldn't do as they pleased with them, especially without a regular trial. Felix knew our laws well. If he had acted that way, he must have already known that he was going to remain unpunished; how was it possible?

Bella had expected that she could die at any moment, either because of Felix and his men or even because of me, as she had feared at the beginning. The thought made me shudder. But I recalled the times I had seen her smiling, the enthusiasm she showed when we read literary works in the library, and the passion she had for cooking and embroidering. Was there any chance that she could still enjoy the things she had liked in her life as a free woman? From what I knew and could see, she was developing a friendship with Esma, and it taught me a precious lesson: although she had been enslaved and, like me, was a prisoner, Bella hadn't closed her heart. What had happened to my own heart, conversely?

I wondered about the source of Bella's inner strength. Even after what she had suffered, was she still able to hope? I could ask myself the same question. More than my freedom, more than the opportunity to follow my dreams, Felix had stolen any hope from me. Could I do anything to get my life back?

When Bella had responded to my embrace, when she had been clutched to my chest, she had made me feel strong again. For me, she was for me like an unusual rose–a pure and bright white rose that could blossom out of season. I had to try to protect such a treasure.

I left my refuge and went to dinner. As I walked to the atrium, I realized how, because of Felix, every room was marked by a ghost. In that same spot, we all had greeted my father when he had come back less than two years ago.

_Publius, the doorkeeper's son, __w__ent shrieking all around the villa. "The master! The master is here! He's back!" _

_For ten years we hadn't had any news about him. We didn't know if he was still alive–maybe prisoner or enslaved in some foreign country–or if he lay unburied somewhere. He had left me as a young boy and he came back to an adult son._

_I thanked the gods or whoever had brought my father back to us. _

_Many times I had wished that he could see me or had wondered if he would have been proud of me. When I had had a difficult choice to make, I had asked myself what he would have decided. _"He's here,"_ I repeated in my mind, running toward the atrium. _"He's here and will enjoy the prosperity of our home. Whatever he went through, his family will make him happy again."

_Esma embraced my mother as soon as they got the news. After the first moments of incredulity, she finally sobbed in the arms of my wet-nurse. My father had left a blossoming wife and came back to a sad one, who, through her memories, not only had continued to love him, but remembered him as an ideal man. My mother's hopes were finally being realized._

But the joy of his return had been replaced by the questions about all the odd changes. The questions had not been answered, and strange things had begun to happen.

"_Let's go to the office. I need to speak with you, alone," Felix told me. He kept his head bowed as we sat there. _

"_What happened to you, father?" I asked. "Have you been ill or imprisoned? Did anyone hurt you? We can send our men..."_

_He shook his head. "Do I seem ill?"_

"_No, but you're pale." _

"_Don't worry about me, son." He scoffed. "I can assure you that I've never been so strong."_

_I smiled, remembering how proud of his strength he had always been. "I can't imagine that you could be stronger."_

_He leaned a hand toward my desk and__ took up a little bronze statue of a faun, which I kept as a reminder of my hunting ex__peditions in the woods. It was heavy, but Felix lifted it as easily if it were straw, clenching his fingers around the statuette. I blinked as I saw the bronze object losing its shape. Before I could object, it had been crushed to a powder by Felix's hands. I gasped and stood up._

"_How did you do it?" I stammered._

_For the first time, Felix bored his eyes into mine. Two flames, two rubies were staring at me._

"_Your eyes! What happened to your eyes?" _

_With a gesture of his hand he sharply silenced me. "I told you that I've never been so strong. Do you want me to show you how fast I am now?" he bragged._

_I shook my head. Shivers were running down my back. _

_Felix rose__ in his impressive height. "Remember, son," he told me in a low voice. "You won't tell anybody what I discuss with you when we are alone. No mortal will ever know."_

He's incredibly strong, fast, handsome._ I stared at Felix as he towered over me. He resembled a huge statue, but he was breathing and moving. Why did he speak about mortals as if he weren't one of them anymore? Did gods actually exist? Was one of them in front of me? _

_I looked as closely as I could at his face. How could I believe that he was a god? Wasn't he my father? Hadn't all the people in the house recognized him as their master?_

Keeping my mouth shut about everything he had told me, as he had requested, had never been an issue. I had always believed that I wasn't easily taken in, but I was sure that everyone would have considered me out of my head if I were to reveal what Felix had showed me about himself and his new nature. I wondered if someone else knew the truth. Had he said anything to my mother? I recalled the moment when I had said goodbye to her.

"_We are going to spend some time in another house," Felix told us. "We need to be by ourselves for a while after our long separation." He chuckled._

When I was a young boy, I had always admired my parents. Given the contrast between her slim body and his huge frame, paired with her refined manners and his virility, they had complemented each other well. Alongside Felix, my mother seemed like a frail rag doll beside a giant warrior and she appeared intimidated, almost afraid of him.

I had felt unsettled saying goodbye to my mother, as if I was sending her away with a stranger. Felix appeared as the same man he was in our memories; it seemed that he hadn't even aged and had become more handsome. Even so, he seemed quite different. I hated to admit it, but I had felt repelled by him and I couldn't understand why.

Every time I had asked about her since then, Felix was always elusive. Was she also prisoner in another villa, just like me? Had he wronged her, too?

As a sea wave follows another, the first happy moments of Felix's return had been submerged by the fears that he had brought to our lives. Once again I recalled his rules.

"_You took a leave from the army, didn't you?" Felix asked. He was reading the account books in the office and didn't even look at me._

"_Yes. I wanted to check on the superintendent of the farm. The commerce has been very productive in the last year, and I was going to use the money to make some improvements in the farm." He nodded at my words, continuing to read. "But now that you are back, I can return to the army at any time."_

"_I've already sent a letter to your general, telling him that you've left the army for good," he said noncommittally._

_I frowned. I could remember that Felix had always dreamed about a political career for me, more than a military one, but I had hoped that, with time, he would change__his mind. "Why? You know that I don't want to start my political career yet. Can't I spend some more years in the army before going back to Rome?"_

"_You're not going to Rome," he stated. "You'll stay here." He put the book back on its shelf and stood, as if he was going to leave. _

"_I don't have anything more to do here," I objected. "I've already given their tasks to the superintendent and the servants. They can do their work now."_

_Finally, Felix looked at me. I stiffened, meeting his ominous gaze. "From now on, you are not going to leave the estate without my permission," he ordered._

"_What does it mean? Am I a prisoner in my own home?"_

_He didn't answer, but strode toward the door._

"_Wait!" I grabbed his arm, but it seemed he didn't even acknowledge my grip. "Wait!" I said louder. _

_He __barely glanced at me over his shoulder. _

"_Don't I deserve an explanation?" I asked him angrily. "Hercle, I'm an adult man. I can take a horse and go away right now, with or without your blessing."_

"_Antonius," he growled. "You have been given an order. I don't allow any disobedience."_

"_I'm a free man. Are you considering me a slave?" I hissed. "I'm leaving today. My soldiers are waiting for me."_

"_Do you care more for your soldiers or for the people in this house?" He sneered._

_I narrowed my eyes at him. "What are you hinting at?"_

"_If you leave, someone else will pay for your disobedience. I'm afraid that I'll take away more people from the villa if the young master goes away."_

_I cringed at the obvious blackmail. "The slave you took with you won't come back, will he?" _

_He pursued his lips in a tight line. "Do you forget that I'm the master? Not even the Emperor can question me about what I do with my own slaves," he spat._

"_You don't need me. You won't miss me if I leave or if I die."_

"_But you won't leave," he stated._

"_So I'll die. I prefer to lose my life than my freedom."_

_He raised his eyebrows at me. "Esma has already lost her son. She would die from sorrow if she lost you, too. Maybe I should __take her away with me," he threatened._

_My mouth went dry as he mentioned her. "Caile was like a father for me, and you considered him a friend. You would never do anything to his wife." My tone was unsure._

_Felix's teeth shone as he grinned at me. "Who knows..." With a few long strides, he went away._

Months had passed, but nothing had changed. Felix had been adamant, remarking that every breach of his main rules meant a death sentence–not for me, but for an innocent.

In my military training, I had learned what it meant to follow the rules: for my people the _foedus_, the pact sealed by someone's word, was sacred. Always. But Felix–Roman citizen, former soldier, politician and _paterfamilias_–didn't respect our rules or traditions anymore. Brazenly, he had wronged not only the servants that were under his authority, but also his own son. Alica's story always reminded me of that.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading. Only you can write <em>your<em> review****!**

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

Saturnalia fell in the second half of December.

The _palla_ was a women's cloak (men's cloak was called _pallium_ instead).

Fauns were rustic forest gods.

**Author's Notes**

Romanward_ gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Special thanks to **Project Team Beta **and to **Emergency Beta Service**, in particular to **HollettLA**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: **http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	9. Stars

"**De Immortalitate" - Immortality**

Hey there! I'm up for the Emerging Swan Awards! Check the nominees, perhaps there are stories that you haven't read yet: h t t p : / / emergingswanawards. blogspot. com. Camilla10 and Jmolly are also up! Voting dates - One-Shot, Short Story & Newbie Author: August 22-29. Full length Complete, WIP & Oldie But a Goodie Author: August 30-September 5.

Many readers asked about Alica. Every plot question I've gotten through your reviews so far will be answered by the following chapters. Today we get our answer about Alica's story. By the way, if your PM are disabled, I can't reply to your review! In particular, I couldn't reply to Genevieveforfun's ones this week.

Disclaimer: _Twilight_ is owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 9 – Stars<strong>

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><p>"<em>Omnia qui magni dispexit lumina mundi,<em>

_qui stellarum ortus comperit atque obitus,_

_flammeus ut rapidi solis nitor obscuretur,_

_ut cedant certis sidera temporibus..._"

"He who gazed at all the lights in the vast heavens, who learned the rise and setting of the **stars**, how the fiery beauty of the swift sun's darkened, how constellations vanish at fixed times..."

(Catullus, poem 66)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

_The spring was coming, but the morning sky was still cloudy and rainy. Three moons had passed since his last visit; when I saw that some raindrops were falling, I guessed that Felix would choose that day to come. I was right. In the late morning his heavy footsteps resonated on the atrium marble floor. __His huge, tall frame, thick through the shoulders, seemed to fill the room, as if he were a giant statue. Even the olive complexion I recalled he had before his change had been veiled by a chalky pallor._

"_Are you nervous, son?" he asked me as we sat in my office. A smile passed over his lips but didn't reach his eyes. I felt unsettled, looking at the red flames that his dark eyes had become. I remembered his gaze used to soften when I was a child and he played with me. After spending a day with other politicians, always keeping up a façade, the time he could spend with his son had been Felix's favorite relief. Those days were gone._

"_No, father," I lied. I cringed at the memory of the time when, as a boy, I used to look at him in awe. When we ran or practiced wrestling together, his laugh used to give me joy and his face lit up with pride when I showed him how fast or strong I was becoming. Gone was my father, replaced by the creature in front of me. The thought that I had to ask him a favor made me upset indeed. Regardless, I tried to calm down: I wouldn't ask anything for myself, but I would give a gift to a beloved person._

_Alica hadn't needed to explain anything to me about her feelings toward Jaspis. It was as if I had read her mind. _

_During__the previous summer, Jaspis had spent some weeks at the villa before leaving for Greece. He would manage the commerce my family had there and I had given him my instructions. Since Alica and Jaspis had met, they hadn't been just in love. It seemed that all her energy, enthusiasm, and bright attitude had finally found their focus. She had discovered her Polaris star: everything in her became oriented toward him. The beaming smiles she used to give me became reserved for him. When she picked a dress or combed her hair according to the most original trends, she was doing it only for his eyes. I had seen her becoming bashful around him: she even blushed when he smiled at her. Who could have imagined that Alica, the little girl whom not even her masters could intimidate, would become shy in front of Jaspis?_

"_Have you had any news from Athens?" Felix inquired._

"_Jaspis is doing very well over there. He's going to come back this summer with the money." I couldn't believe that less than a year had passed. Jaspis' departure, Felix's return, my captivity. How fast could a life change?_

"_How much?"_

"_So far, he's earned over one thousand denarii in a few months."_

_Felix gave me a pleased grin. "How much were you offered to sell him?"_

"_Scipio offered nine-hundred denarii. It was the highest offer I got."_

_He raised his eyebrows. "It's a lot of money," he pondered. "Regardless, you chose to free him. You took a risk, but so far it has proven to be a good choice." His smile grew wider._

_It was the right moment to make my request. "There's something I'd like to ask you."_

"_How so? You never ask for anything." He chuckled. "Go on, I'm curious."_

"_It's about Alica. She's accompanied Mother in to Rome and been here during the last years and she's given Mother joy," I began. Felix's smile faded as I mentioned my mother. _

"_She's turned eighteen and..."_

"_You want to free her, don't you?" He immediately understood my intentions. Alica had finally reached the legal age to be freed. With a single word, Felix could offer her not only her freedom, but also her happiness._

_I nodded. "She would remain close to our family. Jaspis would marry her."_

_Felix narrowed his eyes, pondering my words. _

_Unnerved by the waiting, I was going to remind him that Alica's parents had been very good servants, and she was like a sister to me and a daughter to my mother. Felix had also known Alica since she was a little child–would it count for something? But I didn't need to insist, in the end._

_He smiled again. I considered it a good sign. "Ships sail from Ostia's harbor to Athens very often. She'll come away with me," he announced. "I understand what you are asking and why. I'll make__ the best decision for all our sakes." _

_Was he going to free Alica and send her to Jaspis immediately? It was even more than what I had hoped. I looked at the intimidating creature in front of me. Was my father actually hidden somewhere behind Felix's stony and pale armor? Was he still capable of a gesture of affection and generosity? So I believed._

_That same day Alica left us, the only family she still had after her parents' death. It was her first step toward her new life as a free woman, but__ more than this, she was beaming because it was the beginning of her life as Jaspis' wife. _

I had never cried in my adulthood, but I was shaken by sobs. I had trusted my father–believed in him and hoped for the best–and I had been betrayed. I took the letter I had gotten from Felix only a few days after Alica's departure. I knew it by heart, but having it in my hands reminded me that it wasn't a bad dream. It was without any signature; Felix knew that it wasn't necessary.

"_My dearest son,_

_Thank you for the small amphora you gave me on my last visit. I know that it had been in our house for many years and was precious to you. Your gift pleased me greatly. _

_I'm sorry to tell you that, unfortunately, it was a little too breakable for my liking. I disposed of the pieces as well as possible. Rest assured that not even a drop of the delicious red wine it contained has been wasted._

_I enjoyed it greatly and couldn't__ imagine a better use for your little treasure._

_Thank you once again for your kind gift,_

_Your__ loving father._"

A part of me had never recovered from that day. I hadn't given any gift to Felix on his last visit–let alone a small amphora–but I had put in his care a slim young woman: Alica, the girl I considered my sister. How could he speak about her as if she was an object? But if Alica was an amphora, the red wine it contained was...I had thrown up when I had understood the meaning of Felix's letter. My father had become a monster who slaughtered people and took their blood. I shuddered to think of the ceremonies I had seen in Rome, the animals dressed up with a frilly collar and a crown of leaves when they were taken to the altar, the blood spilling under the priest's dagger. Had Alica been offered to a god? No, it couldn't be possible. Our laws didn't allow human sacrifices. But what if a god had chosen to take a human life? Which law could have stopped him?

What had Felix become? I wasn't the son of a human being anymore. I would have happily given my life to spare Alica even a single moment of sorrow. But I felt as I didn't have a life to give anymore.

I had become a liar. I cringed, remembering fragments of the letter I had written to Jaspis. _A terrible disease... We couldn't do anything... Alica died. _Somewhere, in a foreign army, Jaspis had become a mercenary. I wished that I could still be a soldier and meet him on the battlefield. I would have begged him to take my life.

"Master, may I come in?" Bella's voice snapped me out of my memories. "I've brought back the Greek letters you requested I translate." She averted her eyes when I looked at her. As soon as I took the letters from her hands, she almost ran away.

"Wait, Bella." My voice was hoarse. Damn it. What did she think of me, seeing that I had been crying? I noticed the concern on her face. "Is there anything you want to tell me?" I asked. She shook her head. _Hercle. _I didn't want her to go. Maybe she was even going to tell Esma that she had seen me so upset. Could I make her stay? She glanced at the door, indicating that she wanted to leave. "What are you thinking?" The words left my mouth before I could stop myself.

She hesitated.

"Tell me," I ordered.

She sighed. "Master, you seem worried."

"Can you read my mind?" I tried to joke. It came out bitterly. "It's nothing," I lied. _Nothing but the anger tha__t plagues me, knowing that __the monster who already hurt you and me could do something worse. _There were none with whom I could share my burden. Even the relief of confiding in a friend was a luxury denied to me.

I let out an exhausted breath. The comfort I most craved was in front of me. _Why am I resisting you?_

"You may go," I told her, before sending her away became impossible. I wanted to drown in her arms. I was longing for the feeling of her cheek against my chest, close to my heart. But I didn't deserve any of it. She wasn't supposed to trust me or care for someone who wasn't even able to keep her safe. _If you could be mine, and only mine, forever. If you could feel how much I'm burning for you._

_-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x  
><em>

**Bella's POV**

I didn't spend a single hour in the library during the days after I saw the master almost crying there. I didn't talk about what I had seen with Esma nor with any other servant, but every night I prayed more for Antonius. Day after day, in the rare moments when I met him, it seemed that he wasn't even aware of my presence. That was, until the previous evening.

At dinner, I had dropped an apple while I was bringing to Antonius his dinner and he had seized it before it could hit the floor. Not only hadn't he chastised my awkwardness, but he had smiled at me. The memory of his smile had kept me company all night long.

The following morning, when Sextius announced that the master had requested my presence in the library, I rushed over. I took a stool and went to sit beside Antonius, looking at the shelves full of manuscripts as if they were the flowers of a marvelous garden.

"Do you want to choose a poem?" he asked, giving me a small book.

I looked at him, confused. He was always the one who chose the literary works we were going to read together.

"These poems have been written by a man who died very young," he explained. "He wrote them for a woman."

"He loved her?" I wondered. I wasn't at ease. My parents had educated me, but my preceptor had never showed me any love poem.

Antonius nodded. "He loved her more than anyone else. But it was a desperate passion. He was never going to be allowed to have her, and she broke his heart," he continued darkly.

I pushed the book away with the tips of my fingers. Why did he want me to choose a poem from it, if they were so sad? Why did he want to read with me about a passion that could break a heart? I begged him with my eyes to change the subject.

As if he had sensed my embarrassment, he waved a hand. "It doesn't matter. Let's see what a Latin author did with a poem by one of your beloved Greek authors, shall we?" He gave me a half smile and opened the same book. "Here. Read aloud," he instructed. I had hoped that he was going to choose another writer, but it wasn't the case. "Don't be worried–it won't bite you," he teased.

So I began to read:

"_He who gazed at all the lights in the vast heavens,_

_who learned the rise and setting of the stars,_

_how the fiery beauty of the swift sun's darkened,_

_how constellations vanish at fixed times..."_

"See?" Antonius interrupted me. "The poet is talking about the stars. It was a Greek poem, but Catullus translated it into Latin. Just as you do for me."

I smiled at the comparison. The master made me translate business letters, not poems about the stars – those stars that I hadn't seen since he had ordered me to not go outside at night. I went on reading.

"_That same Conon, the astronomer, saw me shining brightly_

_at heaven's threshold, a lock of hair from Berenice's head._"

I gaped. Berenice? I knew that myth! Antonius noticed my surprise. "What is it?" he asked.

"I know a story about Berenice."

"And?" He motioned me to continue.

"I was just wondering if it is the same myth. Berenice was a queen who offered the gods a lock of her hair as a sacrifice, asking them to protect her husband."

Antonius beamed. "My Bella knows many Greek myths, doesn't she?"

_My _Bella. Indeed I was his, but as a slave. I had to keep _that _in mind, more than his soft gaze or the affection with which he had just spoken.

He took the book from my hands. "_She who stretching out her delicate arms/ made promises to a multitude of gods,/ at that time when the great king newly married/ was gone__ to lay waste the borders of Assyria_," he continued to read. Pausing, he looked at me. "I am..._was_ a soldier, you know? But no one ever cut a lock of hair to protect me."

_Not even Alica? _I couldn't help but wonder.

"Do you remember how Berenice's story ends?" he asked.

I nodded. "The gods made her husband come back from the war. They kept him safe, just as she had prayed."

A bitter expression appeared on Antonius' face. "When I was in the war, every night I knew that some of us weren't going to see the stars again. Felix had been a soldier, too. I listened to my mother's cries when her husband went off to battle. I saw her mourning the separation from her spouse and knew that anguish was eating her heart. I hoped that the gods were going to listen to our prayers and give her back her husband. But now I wish they hadn't."

I bowed my head, pondering his words for a while. Our breathing was the only sound in the room. "Bella." Antonius' voice made me look at him. His eyes weren't sad anymore, and he gave me a half smile. "What does the poet say about Berenice's lock of hair?"

"The gods appreciated her offer so much that they made a constellation out of her hair."

His smile faded. "I have seen so many soldiers, even friends, die in front of my eyes on the battlefield," he recalled. He averted his eyes, as if he was looking at the battlefield of his memories. "Their wives would have offered much more than a lock of their hair to save them. I, who always returned from battle, had no Berenice to wait for me."

_Has he always been alone?_

"Have you ever thought that death could be the only way to escape from all this, Bella?" he blurted, gesturing to the room around us. "When will it be the last day you or I have on this Earth? Who will decide it?"

I was unsure whether I should say something. Only God could decide about life and death; that was what I had been told. Once again, I prayed to God to help Antonius, to give him peace. "Isn't it the way every human life on this Earth is meant to be?" I spoke as softly as I could. "We have this moment, and it will pass; but I believe that nothing–not even the things that make us suffer–is without any purpose."

"I wish I could have your faith," he sighed.

I ducked my head, saddened by his own sadness.

Seemingly as an afterthought, he took my braid in his hand. I stiffened as he caressed it. "What about you, Bella?" he whispered, so low that I almost didn't hear him. "Would you have cut a lock of your hair for me?"

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><p>Only you can write <strong>your<strong> review! Thank you.

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

Denarius (pl. denarii) was a Roman coin.

Ostia was the harbor city of Ancient Rome.

Berenice married Ptolemy III of Egypt. When he left for war, she placed a lock of her hair in a shrine, against his safe return. The lock vanished and Conon, the Royal Astronomer, claimed to have discovered it as the new constellation _Coma Berenices_ (_Berenice's Hair_). The Greek poet Callimachus wrote a poem to celebrate the event, which the Latin author Catullus translated in his poem 66.

**Author's Notes**

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted:** http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	10. Storm

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

_Incidentally, in this chapter there will be a storm, with its consequences. This is only fiction, while in these same hours many American friends are coping with "Irene." My thoughts are with you._

Disclaimer: _Twilight _belongs to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

A quick historical reminder: as we've seen in the 6th chapter, the _impluvium_ was a sunken part on the atrium floor. Similar to a tub, and designed to gather the rainwater coming through the _compluvium_ (a big hole on the roof), the _impluvium _was made of marble and placed about one foot below the floor. I'll post some pics on the thread (link at the end of the chapter).

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><p><strong>Chapter 10 – Storm<strong>

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><p>"<em>Quo me cumque rapit tempestas, deferor hospes<em>."

"Where the **storm** drives me I turn in for shelter."

(Horace, _Epistles_, I, 1, 14)

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

Through the library window, I stared at the sky. It was so dark that it seemed like it was nighttime, although it wasn't later than early afternoon. The violent rain was keeping me worried. Hail started to fall: another hint that a heavy storm was approaching.

I went back to my work and put away another manuscript–a part of Homer's _Iliad–_on its shelf. I had read it when I was still at home–it was considered the greatest war poem ever written. In literary works, soldiers' glory and courage were celebrated, as well as the steadfastness of character of the women who waited for their husbands to come back and encouraged their sons to be brave. I had been told that Spartan mothers, while giving their sons shields before their first battle, told them _With it or on it_. It meant that the soldiers were supposed to come back with the shield as winners, or carried back on it as fallen heroes, but never without it: a warrior who had abandoned his shield was considered a coward.

What kind of soldier had Antonius been? I could compare him to the traditional warriors: he was handsome and strong, like the heroes described by many poets. But the thought of him wounded in a war, or of him still, white and cold on a battlefield–to have never seen his smile when he was serene, or even his green eyes flashing through his changing moods–it was unendurable. It made me burst into tears.

I recalled the poems and the stories of many heroes that my preceptor had told me, but it didn't mean knowing what a real war was. How many soldiers died without being celebrated through the poets' verses? Jacobus' father, my father's best friend, had joined the war as a soldier. When he had come back, he couldn't walk anymore because of a war wound. What sacrifices were required to achieve glory?

My parents insisted that, for Christians, the greatest honor was giving their life for their faith. Jacobus' father had sacrificed his legs for the glory of his country. But when our families had been slaughtered by Felix and his men for their faith, he had given his life. Which glory was actually the greatest?

A stroke of lightning flashed in the room and made me jump. I didn't feel comfortable being alone during a storm. The library didn't even seem like the same room where, a few days ago, the master and I had been reading Berenice's story.

Antonius' words still resonated in my memory. "_What about you, Bella? Would you have cut a lock of your hair for me?_" I hadn't answered his question, but he hadn't scolded me because of my silence. He had released my braid and stood up. I hadn't had the courage to look him in the eyes. Before leaving the room, he had put a hand on my head and caressed my hair, taking leave of me.

The thought that Antonius had been in the war–and could have died there–was still overwhelming. How could my master be so dear to me? When I had arrived to his villa, I would have done anything to have the opportunity to run away. But then...if I had the chance to be free, would I choose to be so, if it meant that I would never see Antonius again?

A strong clap of thunder made me shudder. I left the library and went toward the servants' quarters, hoping that Esma was still there. As I hastened along the corridor, I ran into the master, who was talking with Sextius in the atrium_._

"I'm afraid that a tempest might occur soon," Antonius said to him.

I gasped. Did it mean than the storm could become worse than it was already?

"I was thinking about the same thing," Sextius confirmed. He pointed at the clouds, frowning. "The sky is becoming greenish. It's not a good sign."

The master spotted me, and his expression changed. His frown turned into a smile, and he motioned for me to come closer. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I was putting away the manuscripts in the library, but I heard thunder and it startled me, so I left," I told him sheepishly. "I was looking for Esma."

"Esma is still in the kitchen," he said. "There's a room that we use as a refuge, and I've already instructed all the servants to gather there. Stay with Esma. She'll show it to you."

I was reluctant to go. Would the master come to the shelter too? Could I wait for him and go there together perhaps? I remained in the corridor as the master went back to speak with Sextius.

"Take some waxed towels to cover yourself and try to reach the farm before it's too late," he instructed. "I hope you will arrive there before the weather gets worse. Check that everyone is secured. Iacomus is supposed to know what he must do for the stables, but take a look at the horses all the same. Stay at the farm until the storm is over. I'll check the villa in the meantime."

Sextius left immediately, not heeding the rain. Thunder rolled overhead once more and made me cringe. "Master?" I squeaked. "Are we in danger?"

"What are you still doing here? Aren't you too old to fear the thunder?" he scoffed.

I looked at the ground, embarrassed.

"I will check on the atrium and then join you and the rest," he continued, more softly. "Go now," he encouraged me.

I went away as I had been told, but my concern didn't lessen. The wind had brought the rainwater even on the floor of the columned porch: it had become wet and slippery. At home I had seen some storms and, once, even a small waterspout. They had given me nightmares long afterward. In my master's home, I didn't have even the comfort of my parents to help me face the fear of the bad weather.

I stayed as close as possible to Esma as we joined the other servants and freemen in the room they used as a shelter in case of calamities. The people in there were talking in small groups, worried about what damages the hail would do to the villa and the farm.

"The workers from Rome hadn't arrived yet," I heard one of them saying. "The roof is already ruined and there's a big risk that a part of the tiles would come down with such a storm." They kept talking about the other damages that the bad weather could cause; as soon as the rainstorm was over everyone was going to work twice as hard to repair them.

Time went by, but Antonius was nowhere to be seen.

"Esma, the master said that he was going to check a part of the villa before coming here, but he hasn't arrived yet," I fretted.

"I see, Bella. But he knows his business very well. We have nothing to worry about." Her words didn't match the expression on her face. She kept eyeing the door too.

I held my breath as I heard a noise. Was Antonius coming? I looked at the door, but it remained closed. It had been only a branch rattling at the outside of the house. The wind was howling–it reminded me of an everlasting scream. I couldn't do anything to make it stop as...as I couldn't have done anything to help my parents, Jacobus, and his family. I had heard them screaming in the distance as one of Felix's men led me away.

Esma held my fingers in her warm hand. "It will be over soon," she assured me softly. I wished I could say the same about the sorrow for my family's loss.

A clap of thunder made me jump. For a moment the room fell silent. Then the people resumed their chatter, their voices muffled by the sound of the unrelenting rain.

Another glance at the door. No trace of Antonius. "May I go to look for him?" I asked.

Esma frowned. "He said that everyone must stay here." She looked like she wished to say more, but wouldn't allow herself.

"Please, Esma, I'm worried..."

I didn't get any answer. The rain was pounding away at the roof as if the house was nothing more than a toy being shaken and pummeled by a giant toddler. We waited in silence for a short while, then I moved closer to the door. Could I beg her again to let me go? I was afraid that it would have been to no avail. Esma never discussed the instructions she had been given, and I was sure that even if she were as worried for Antonius as I was, she wasn't going to disobey.

One of the _clientes_ and his wife had been compelled to stay in the villa because of the rain, and Esma was busy reassuring them that they were going to get something to eat as soon as the rainstorm was over. How long could it take for me to go to the atrium and return unnoticed? A sudden draft in the room made the candles blow out, leaving us trapped in the semidarkness. The afternoon light was scant. I could pass unseen and it was my last chance to go: I wouldn't have been brave enough to go around alone in the darkness during a rainstorm. Antonius could have gone in any other room of his house, but I decided to check on the atrium and the corridor. If he wasn't there, I planned to return to the refuge.

I slipped out the door, running through the corridor. I shivered as I left the room where all the people of the house had gathered. We had all been huddled together in the refuge, and I hadn't realized how cold the house had become because of the storm. Through the columns of the long corridor, spurts of rain hit my feet. My steps made a squeaking sound on the floor. After a few steps, I stopped in my tracks. In front of me, I didn't see anyone in front of me in the corridor. I looked behind me. I could no longer hear the voices of people talking in the room I had left. The branches of the garden trees, shaken by the wind, were casting haunting shadows on the wall. I ran as if I was chased by intangible ghosts. _Maybe the master is in his quarters and doesn't want to be bothered_, I thought. Did I have to find an excuse, in case I was caught? It wasn't the right moment to think about it. As long as nothing bad had happened to Antonius, I could endure punishment for disobedience.

My blood went cold when, in the atrium, I saw a man.

Antonius was on the floor, in the center of the atrium. His head was on the border of the _impluvium_. The rainwater, coming down in sheets, was filling the sunken part of the floor where his body lay.

My knees trembled, and I had to lean against a column of the porch. "Master," I called in a strangled voice. I waited for a response, but he didn't acknowledge me. A stroke of lightning made me gasp. Instead Antonius remained still on the floor. I had to move closer to him. The fear that he could be hurt was bigger than the fear of the punishment I might have to endure. "Master!" I called again.

Again, he didn't answer. Was he unconscious? Was he...

I went down on my knees beside him and put my hands on his chest. He was still breathing. His soaking-wet hair was plastered on his face. I brushed it aside and gasped when I saw it: a long ribbon of blood was running down his temple. The heavy rain made my clothes cling to me, and I was soaked instantly. The water stung like needles on my skin and blurred my vision. "Master," I kept calling, shaking him with all my strength until he cracked his eyes open. They widened when he saw me.

"Bella," he murmured.

"You didn't come in the room where we were waiting for you, and I was worried," I said defensively.

He clutched his leg. "I've sprained an ankle," he said, his voice sounding strained. "Go call someone."

"Master, you are hurt," I objected. "I can't leave you here."

He shushed me. "It's nothing," he muttered.

"Please, Master, let me help," I insisted. I took his arm and pulled him toward me. Antonius was much bigger than I was, but I could try to help him reach the porch, at least. He didn't push me away. My arms and legs were tingling because of the cold. My teeth were chattering; I gritted them as I gathered all my energy. Shaking in the rain, we crawled away from the _impluvium_.

As soon as we were under the roof, I tried to lower him to the ground without causing him further pain. I took a corner of my cloak and pressed it to his head to stop the bleeding. He winced as soon as I touched his wound. More thunder made me recoil. Antonius tried to give me a smile. "Don't be afraid, Bella," he reassured me.

Having found him, I was less frightened than I had been while waiting for him with the other servants. But the rainstorm wasn't over yet: another downpour was followed by a crashing sound. Was it a clap of thunder? Why wasn't it ending? It was as if boulders were grinding together. I looked around, frantic, and tilted my face toward the ceiling. I scrambled to my feet, trying to distance myself from what I saw–but it was too late. A deafening rumble made me shut my eyes and curl in a ball.

Antonius shouted a terrible imprecation.

My heart seized in fear as a cloud of dust surrounded us.

_Earthquake _was the first thing I thought. But it wasn't an earthquake. As the dust set down, I stared at the place where we could have died. Images of what could have happened kept running in my mind.

A part of the roof had collapsed, and the _impluvium_ was now covered by the fallen tiles. If I hadn't gone to look for Antonius or had arrived even a few minutes earlier...if I had called for help as he had directed...he would have still been in the _impluvium_.

A reassuring strength surrounded me as Antonius clutched me against his chest. We were alive and safe.

Antonius gazed at me, awestruck. "I owe you my life, Bella."

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><p>Only you can write <strong>your<strong> review! Thanks for reading.

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

Waxed towels were used instead of umbrellas.

**Author's Notes**

A special hug to my friend Holly. This chapter is for you!

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
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	11. Messengers

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: _Twilight _is owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 11 – Messengers<strong>

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><p>"<em>Priusque eius adventus ab omnibus videretur, quam fama ac nuntius adferretur.<em>"

"His arrival was seen by the people before rumor or a **messenger** was carried thither."

(Caesar, _De Bello Gallico, _VI, 30)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

The central part of the atrium was covered by the fallen tiles. The fear that Bella and I could have died under the collapsed roof made me clench inside. She nestled against my chest as I embraced her more tightly. The thought that I could have lost her was more painful than the fear of my own death. I owed Bella my life. But I would have given it to keep her safe.

The corridor was filled with the sound of agitated voices and fast footsteps. The terrible rumble of the collapse had made all the people in the house run from the refuge toward the atrium. When we heard the noises, Bella stepped away from me. I missed her soft touch and warmth as soon as she distanced herself from my body.

Esma was among the first to arrive in the atrium. Her eyes brimmed with tears as she saw the fallen part of the roof and me on the floor, bleeding and hurt. Anger flashed across her face as she spotted Bella beside me. Esma's stern looks were truly rare; I was taken aback when she scolded Bella. "I was so worried when you didn't come back," she hissed to her. Bella tried to speak, but Esma shushed her and took her in a strong grip. "Stubborn, stubborn girl," she whispered to her.

Bella was supposed to stay in the refuge with the other servants. My wet-nurse's words told me that not only had Bella gone against my instructions, but she had come to the atrium unseen by Esma. I couldn't believe that she was brave enough to disobey while being so afraid of a storm. How worried had she been for me?

A couple of servants helped me to stand up and go to my bed. "I can't think about what could have happened, Master," one of the servants, Clodius, continued to repeat. "I bless the gods who have protected you."

From the corner of my eye, I saw Bella going back to the kitchen with Esma, her head bowed. Could she be afraid that she was going to be punished after all that had happened? Was I supposed to say something to her because she was so stubborn and hadn't followed my instructions? I couldn't have said anything other than I was glad that she had done as she wanted. She could have been safe with the other people of the house, as I had ordered. Instead, she had taken the chance that she would be chastised and had come to look for me.

I recalled the day when I had teased her in the library with Catullus' poems and Berenice's story. What was I trying to do, asking her to pick a love poem when I could have easily suspected that it would make her uncomfortable? What had I hoped to get, asking her if she would have sacrificed her braid against my safe return from the war?

In that moment also, Bella had proven how resolute she was. She hadn't been disrespectful of my authority, but at the same time she hadn't humored me. What she had just done for me showed me so much more about her feelings than any love poem I could have made her read.

All my life, I had dreamed about finding a woman who could be at my side as my mate, who could care for me as I cared for her. I felt that this dream was coming true. But it was my turn to protect her, my dearest Bella.

Clodius helped me to put on clean clothes and get my wound dressed. Was Bella injured? Had she other clothes that could keep her dry? I realized that I didn't know much about the everyday life of my servants. I wanted them to be well-treated, but there was no need for me to check on them one by one. Many slaves had always lived in the villa, and there were entire families working for me on the farm. They knew how to take care of each other. But for Bella, it was going to be her first winter as an orphan and a slave, in a strange house. Was she warm enough during the night? Did she get enough food?

"Master! I heard what happened! Praise the gods you are safe!" Sextius was flushed as he returned to the farm and rushed to my room.

"Sextius, it's nothing," I reassured him. "Just tell me how the farm fared."

"The storm didn't do any heavy damage," he explained. From the urge he seemed to have to describe every detail, I could tell that he was glad to give me good news.

"Have you checked the stables too?"

"Of course. Iacomus did a very good job. The stables were already well-secured when I arrived there, and the horses are safe."

I didn't doubt that Iacomus was doing his best to make a good impression.

"The biggest problem here, then," he said ruefully, "is the roof."

I was listening to him absentmindedly. I couldn't think about anything other than images of Bella and me in the atrium: Bella on the floor with me; Bella soaked and dirty, struggling to help me; Bella crying in my arms. Why had she fled from me? She hadn't done anything to be ashamed of. Didn't she realize it?

"The workers from Rome will arrive at any day. Maybe the rainstorm is the only thing that has prevented them from coming," Sextius added.

I thanked him for his report and dismissed him. My head hurt, and I was feeling dizzy and hot. "Order some dinner for me," I instructed. Maybe Bella would bring it to me.

"Immediately."

Once I was alone, I tried to relax in my bed. The ankle was swollen, but it was going to be fine in a matter of few days. I had suffered worse injuries during my military training.

The disgusting smell of cabbage invaded my room. I cringed, remembering Caile's studies and his medical remedies. Esma seemed to recall very well that her husband considered cabbage a universal remedy for many diseases. I suspected that I was going to eat a lot of it in the following days.

Disappointment arrived with my dinner when it wasn't brought me by Bella. I could have asked for her, but it had been a hard day for everyone, and she also needed her rest. I wanted to talk with her but was that in her best interest?

Esma asked me over and over again if there was anything that she could do for me, and assured me that Sextius was going to spend all night in front of my door. In the end, I had to be harsh to make her leave so I could get some sleep.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

"_I love you as if you were my sister!" Alica squealed with her usual enthusiasm. _

_She embraced a woman in front of her, who had her back turned. I could see only her long brown hair. She was slightly taller than Alica but almost as thin. _

_Alica was the same as the last time I had seen her, with the same bright attitude, but she looked different. She was pale, so pale that her skin seemed made of white marble. She laughed again with her friend. I approached them, but when I was close, Alica stopped me by raising a hand._

"_You can't come here, Antonius," she said. She wasn't happy anymore, and__there was a veil of melancholy over her face. "You are still alive, and we are all dead."_

"_Alica, what does it mean? Who are you__embracing?" I asked._

"_You know her, as you know me. Don't you recognize her?"_

_The girl in Alica's arms slowly turned herself toward me. I gazed at her face, as pale as Alica's. My heart went still, terror seizing me._

"_Bella!" I screamed. "You aren't dead! You are alive! Tell Alica that you are alive!"_

_Bella smiled at me–a sad, sad smile–and shook her head. "I am dead, Antonius. I died because of you," she said quietly. She slipped an arm around Alica's shoulders. "You sent us to the world of the dead, but we still love you."_

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x_  
><em>

I woke up gasping.

That was the first time I had dreamed of Alica and Bella together. Through them, my former life had met my present one. Dream interpretation was regarded by my people as an art; they believed that it could require even divine inspiration. Even nightmares were thought to be messages from the gods, perhaps oracles of the future. I had always been skeptical–at least so far.

I had tried to fulfill the promise I had made to Alica's memory when Bella arrived at my house. I couldn't give Bella freedom or her family back. But every time she smiled or laughed I hoped that, eventually, she could blossom again, like a plant after a cold winter. Was I a fool to hope that, just for once, Fate could be gracious to Bella? Was I deluding myself, believing that with Bella I could find the same bond that I had seen between Alica and Jaspis?

Bella believed in eternal life. She hoped to live forever in Heaven and, if there was any Heaven, she surely deserved it. But for me it would have been enough just to have a long and happy life with her. Given our circumstances, who was the bigger dreamer between us?

The nightmare about Bella and Alica wouldn't be driven from my mind. Alica had never asked for anything in her life; she was happy with her little joys, even if she was a slave and didn't dare to hope that she would be freed. Hadn't she deserved happiness much more than I? How could I hope to be serene, when it was my fault that she had lost everything, even her life?

Were the gods going to take revenge on Bella because of what had happened to Alica?

I didn't get that sense from the dream. It was a warning. Alica had always been fond of me and was trying to help me. I breathed deeply, my eyes closed. There was no way I was going to sleep again, but I needed to calm down. I needed Bella. The memory of her embrace reassured me but left me eager for more. Was she still sleeping? How would it have felt if she were sleeping in my arms? It would have been a first for me. The women with whom I had had intercourse, when I was still in Rome, had never shared my bed after our encounters. There was no point in having such an intimacy after we both had gotten what we were looking for. The strong and independent women who used to attract me certainly didn't need my protection.

Bella instead was stronger that any girl I had ever met, and she intrigued me with her courage. But, at the same time, I felt protective of her. She was the woman I would have loved to find in my arms every dawn of my life. _What if she is going to meet the same fate as Alica? _I stiffened at the idea. Being tied to me had proven to be a great danger for the people involved. I couldn't let Bella be affected by this curse. _Am I capable of keeping her safe? I'll do anything for her_, I vowed to myself.

Two pieces of news arrived at the same time. The first was good: the workers from Rome had come to the villa and begun to repair the damage.

The second wasn't.

"There's a letter for you, Master," Sextius announced.

I knew the seal well and therefore braced myself for the content of the note.

"_Felix to Antonius._

_My dearest son, our next meeting is rapidly approaching_."

As if I needed a reminder, I scoffed inwardly.

"_As I told you in our last conversation, I'm going to introduce you to a dear friend who will be happy to meet you_."

I recalled his promise of a journey. What kind of friends could Felix have? My hands trembled as I read his words again. What if this friend was one of his...kind? Did it mean that Felix had made a decision about my future? I kept reading, the letters blurring in front of my eyes as I frantically tried to see if my questions were answered.

"_I am grieved due to the accident in the atrium_."

_Hercle_. There was only one way he could already know about it. He must have been around when the accident happened. Was he implying that nothing could escape him?

"_I'm looking forwa__rd to se__eing my only and beloved son and I am glad to know that you liked the gift I brought you on my last visit_."

I felt as if I had just been punched in the gut.

Bella. He was talking about my Bella.

"_I hope you will continue to have a pleasant time with your toy, as long as it lasts._

_Ave atque vale,_

_Your father_."

I threw the first thing I could reach: a vase that shattered upon violent impact with the wall. Nobody could understand how much I would have liked to do the same to Felix.

About three things I was absolutely positive: first, there was a spy among my servants. Second, I couldn't overlook any of the hints I had gotten, whether they came from my dreams about Alica or from Felix's words.

And third, the time I had enjoyed with Bella was unconditionally and irrevocably over.

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><p><strong>Only you can write your review! Thanks for reading.<br>**

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

About the usage of cabbage in Roman medicine, you can check Cato, _De Agricultura_, 157. Check also Romanward's Twilighted thread (link below).

**Author's Notes**

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**

I'm up for the **Emerging Swan Awards**! Check the nominees, perhaps there are stories that you haven't read yet: h t t p : / / emergingswanawards. blogspot. com. Camilla10 and Jmolly are also up! Don't forget to vote before September 5th.

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	12. Friends

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: I don't own _Twilight_. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 12 – Friends<strong>

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><p>"<em>Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur<em>."

"A sure **friend** is seen in an unsure matter."

(Ennius, quoted by Cicero, _Laelius_ –_ De Amicitia_, XVII, 64)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

"Enough." I harshly dismissed the last servant who had asked to speak with me in the morning.

I couldn't control the anger that had seized me since I had discovered that there was a spy in my own home. Someone was keeping Felix informed about everything that happened in the villa. I could trust Esma and Sextius with my life, but any other servant could have been lured by Felix to keep an eye on Bella and tell him whatever I did with her. If I had been calmer, I would have acknowledged that the servants couldn't understand what was going on between Felix and me. To them, we were both their masters, and his word had more authority than mine. But I wasn't calm at all. I pulled at my hair, struggling to find a way to keep Bella safe. All the different options I had considered led to the same result: Bella had to stay as far from me as possible. _"You still have to learn to be detached,"_ Felix had said. My hope was that I could protect protect Bella by convincing him that she meant nothing to me. If Felix wasn't going to see her at the villa, he might lose his interest in her; maybe he might even forget her.

A list of names and faces came back to my mind, each one of them eliciting a deep pain: the people whom Felix had taken on his visits. But he had never taken slaves from the farm, I reasoned. Most servants had their own families there, and a disappearance would have raised too many questions. Could the farm be an option? Could I send Bella there, trusting her to a family, and pretend that I didn't care about her more than about any other slave?

I considered the _agaso_'s family: Iacomus had a wife, Victoria, so Bella would live with another woman. I could already count on Iacomus' desire to be appreciated; since he had begun to work for me, it seemed that the slaves assigned to him could yield twice as much as when the former stable keeper was in charge. He could believe that an additional servant was a sign that I was encouraging his work and his wife's as well.

Following my orders, Iacomus and his wife came immediately to the house.

"Here you are," I blurted as soon as I spotted them in the atrium with Sextius, without even bothering to answer their greetings. The woman was obviously upset with my curt manner, but the man didn't flinch from my angry gaze. It was a good sign, since I couldn't bear any cowardice. Cowards became traitors easily, and I didn't need to find another spy in my house. "In my office," I ordered. "There's something I need to discuss with you."

"The horses are fine, Master," the stable keeper began, "and there are some improvements to the stables that I'd like to show you."

I stopped him. I didn't have time for talking; I only needed to find an opportunity to justify what I was going to do. "Do you need help with the chores at the farm?" I asked the woman.

She didn't answer immediately, but looked at her husband, as if she were trying to find out what I wanted to hear. She might have been thinking that a new slave could be useful, but maybe she was afraid to appear lazy if she admitted that she needed help.

I hadn't any time to waste with her insecurities. "Since it seems that you are working hard for the farm, I'm going to give you a new servant. Bella has proven to be good and hardworking while she has been here at the house. You can teach her more about life on the farm, and I'm sure she will behave herself," I announced. I swallowed hard. _Let's hope it's the right thing to do_.

"Have you been treated well as long as you have worked for me?" I asked them.

"Yes, Master, very well," they rushed to assure me.

"So I expect you to treat Bella well. If there's anything you have to complain about, tell Sextius and no one else, and he will report it directly to me. Understood?"

They both nodded.

"Sextius, go fetch Bella," I ordered. "She will leave with Iacomus and Victoria. They are going back to the farm immediately." I wanted to encourage everyone to think that Bella was a servant like any other. Until I found the spy, I had to maintain the façade with Esma and Sextius, too. If they didn't know the truth, they couldn't be at risk of being used by somebody to get more information. So I couldn't allow myself even a last glance at Bella.

As they left, the stable keeper and his wife seemed relieved. I hadn't reproached them for anything, and they even got to go back to the farm with help for their work. Their relief might not have been so pronounced if they knew my heart went with them.

_What would Bella think? _I wondered, alone in my office._ I'm sending her away without any explanation. Will I ever be able to tell her that I just want to keep her safe? _

I stayed in the office for what seemed hours, until I heard a light knock on the door.

Esma walked into the room. "Have you seen Bella?" she asked, sounding confused. "I can't find her."

"I sent her to the farm with Iacomus and his wife," I told her curtly. "She'll be there for a while. They needed some extra help," I lied.

Esma said nothing. Her eyes widened and she blanched.

_Even you don't trust me?_ I thought. _Can't you imagine that I'm doing it to protect her? Do you actually believe that she was just a plaything for me and I got bored with her? _I would have liked to know Esma's thoughts; was there anything I could say to spare her a new sorrow?

I was too angry to bear the presence of anyone. When Esma was dismissed, I remained alone, allowing us both the opportunity to cry as long as we wished.

The wound that Bella's leaving had created worsened as the days went by. It was an invisible wound, yet undeniable and deep. I felt like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Bella had brought me back to life. When she had arrived in my home, I was as a prisoner who had been kept in darkness for too long. She had been stubborn enough to teach me to move, to find the courage to look at the light, to start living again. Without her, the darkness closed around me–and it was even worse than before.

Going back to the library was the worst thing I could do since I had sent Bella away. It took me a week to gather the courage to go in and feel the void she had left. I read some poems. One of them could summarize what I felt for her:

"_Let us live, let us love"_

I couldn't hope for anything more.

"_Suns may set, and suns may rise again:_

_but when our brief light has set,_

_night is one long everlasting sleep."_

If being immortal meant being like Felix, I was looking forward my death.

There had been a time, not so long ago, when I was ready to die in battle for my country's glory. I considered it a noble and enviable death. I had always also thought that dying in place of somebody else, someone I loved, could be a good way to leave this world. Instead, I seemed damned to live while other people died in my place. _"I haven't decided yet what I am going to do with you,"_ Felix had said on his last visit. Every time I recalled his words, I feared that Felix could prevent me even from finding the peace of death. In our previous conversations, hadn't he suggested that immortality was possible?

"_Give me a thousand kisses, a hundred more,_

_another thousand, and another hundred,_

_and, when we've counted up the many thousands,_

_confuse them so as not to know them all,_

_so that no enemy may cast an evil eye,_

_by knowing that there were so many kisses."_

I wanted Bella's kisses on my lips. Her innocence appealed to me more than the refined love tricks of the most experienced women. I wanted to guide her to discover our bodies, following her pace, savoring every single touch. For me, gaining her trust and affection would have been better than conquering an empire.

But as any king has a traitor, I also had to fight against a spy. _I'll discover who the spy is_, I vowed, _and I'll destroy him. _

It was raining again. I went out in the garden, not caring about the rain, until I was shivering.

_What if Bella is cold? I'm desperate for any news from her. Shall I send her something that could make her more comfortable?_

When I went back to the house, Esma was waiting for me. The sad expression on her face told me that she was still hurt by the choice I had made about Bella. But, Esma being Esma, she wouldn't let that stop her from taking care of me. Without a word, she offered me a dry woolen tunic, neatly folded. I felt bad when I saw it. I had to know.

"Is it...?" I asked.

Esma nodded.

I didn't wear the tunic that Bella had made for me. I gave it back to Esma and ran outside again. It didn't matter if it was just for a moment, or only from afar. I had to see Bella.

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**Bella's POV**

I shivered beneath the dripping eaves of the stable. At my home, I had seen only pole barns–simple structures with three sides and a roof that offered just the minimal amount of cover for the horses. On Antonius' farm the stables had enclosed barns, with wash racks and even a riding arena, that Iacomus was attempting to expand. But the rain had been so heavy that it had filtered through the eaves. I had gotten soaked too, but I couldn't go back to the farm without having finished the chores I still had to do. How many days had gone by since the last rainfall? It had been the day of the hail and the accident of the collapsed roof. A pang of longing hit me when I remembered how I had felt when Antonius had held me.

The wind filtered in the stables where I was working. The stables were clean, but the stink of dung was always there; with the gusts of wind, the smell became overwhelming. I rubbed my eyes, feeling so tired that I feared I would faint. I brought the dung I had collected outside, holding my breath to smell its stench as little as possible. The rain had become light; the sound of it tapping on the roof mingled with the horses' neighs. The black stallion was nervous; I could detect his hooves pawing on the ground heavier than usual.

Once again I remembered, moment by moment, my last days in Antonius' house. I struggled to find something, anything, that could explain why I had been sent away.

I hadn't even been given the opportunity to say goodbye to Esma, let alone to the master. Since the storm, I hadn't seen my master at all. I recalled that, the day I had been sent to the farm, a team of laborers were working to repair the roof. In the villa, other servants were speaking about the team, saying that the workers had come directly from Rome and were talking about the capital, a place I had never visited.

What if something had happened to Antonius? Had Esma kept something from me? No one had mentioned anything about sending me away. When I tried to find out if Iacomus and Victoria knew more than I, the only thing they told me was that I had been given to them to work. I was torturing myself with doubts and questions, but I got no answer.

I still prayed for Esma and Antonius every night. But my prayers were often just a tangle of contrasting words. Day after day, the idea that my master could have simply wanted to get rid of me was becoming stronger. It was like a snake in the grass: increasingly closer, increasingly more dangerous.

In my time at the villa, every moment I had spent with Antonius was a gift, and I was always surprised by the tenderness he had shown me. Had I been a fool, believing that I could be dear to him?

At the fountain, I accidentally spilled some water from the buckets I was filling for the horses. I tried to concentrate more on what I was doing, but I was hungry and exhausted. On the farm I scarcely ate. Iacomus maintained that since my work wasn't hard, I didn't need as much food. He had become even more stern when he had asked me what I used to do at the villa and discovered that my daily chores were, mainly, helping Esma to cook or sew and reading and translating for the master. He told me that I had been put under his authority to do actual work and not to be spoiled or amuse myself as if I were a guest.

But these weren't my main concerns. As long as I had to work, day after day, sunrise to sunset, I would endure without complaint. But I was afraid of what happened after dark.

In the villa, I had spent every night with Esma, not bonding with other servants. On the farm, we slaves shared a common room and I had noticed that many servants lay with each other at night. I couldn't rest, fearing that it might be my same destiny. Sometimes even Iacomus took one of the women, although he had his own wife. It gave me nightmares. The slightest sound at night was enough to snap me awake.

Even when I had lost my family, God had helped me through Esma. But who was going to help me this time? I had never felt so tempted into letting every hope go. Had God forsaken me?

I could see my breath as I lugged the buckets back to the stable. Even if I still had to work outside, I welcomed the cold weather, because it chased away other servants who would normally be on their way from the fountain to the stables. I could cry alone.

One of the horses neighed as I gave it water. I went close to the mare and stroked its muzzle, then I took the pitchfork and add some more hay to its bowl. Antonius had told me that he was fond of his horses and had started to ride when he was very young. In his studies, he had been fascinated by the role horses had in war strategies, especially for foreign armies, and had become an expert on this subject. _Maybe he also straddled the horse that I'm now stroking._

A harsh voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Aren't you supposed to be working, slouch?"

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><p><strong>Only you can write your review<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter's Notes<strong>

Antonius reads Catullus' Poem 5, _Vivamus atque amemus_.

**Author's Notes**

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**

I've entered the **Canon Tour**: h t t p : / / www. fanfiction. net /u/ 3041014. There are many great stories. Until September 14th, you can vote for your three favorite entries.


	13. Snake

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

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><p>My entry for the Canon Tour, "Spruce and Cactus," is now posted on my profile! <strong><span>http: www. fanfiction .net/s/7384426/1/Spruce_and_Cactus**

Disclaimer: _Twilight _belongs to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

_**Warning: Attempted rape described. **_

_**If this is a trigger for you, please scroll past the symbol * **__**and PM me. I will summarize what happened if you wish. **_

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><p><strong>Chapter 13 – Snake<strong>

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><p>"<em>Illa quidem, dum te fugeret per flumina praeceps,_

_immanem ante pedes hydrum moritura puella/_

_servantem ripas alta non vidit in herba._"

"She, doomed girl, running headlong along the stream,/ so as to escape you, did not see the fierce **snake**, that kept/ to the riverbank, in the deep grass under her feet."

(Vergil, _Georgics_, 457-460)

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

"Aren't you supposed to be working, slouch?" Iacomus' harsh voice made me jump.

"Sorry," I mumbled, going back to my chores. I began to align the empty buckets along the stable wall. From the tapping on the roof I could tell that it was still pouring outside. Was Iacomus going to stay in the stable until the rain was over? Still facing the racks, I stiffened as he approached.

"Stop," he ordered. "I can give you a short break."

There were no other servants in the stable, and I could guess that, because of the rain, the path from the stables to the farm was empty too. The thought that Iacomus and I were alone, even for a short time, made me at unease.

"_It's advantageous for you to be kind to me," he had told me when I had arrived at the farm. "The master will free me very soon, and I could even buy you. Be nice to me and I'll treat you well."_

Recalling his words, I felt tears welling up in my eyes. _I don't want to be bought by him! What if the master decides to give me to Iacomus? _Was I ever going to see Antonius again?

Before I could find an excuse to slip away, Iacomus ran his hand over my back. I recoiled from his touch and whirled around.

"What? Always so shy?" he crooned.

Iacomus came closer; he wasn't as tall as Antonius, but he was sturdy. I tilted up my head to look him in the eyes and pulled back sharply from him. It was a mistake. Angered, he leaned his hands against the wall, trapping me between his burly arms. "You play hard to get, don't you?" His lips curled in a smile that didn't reach his black eyes. "Do you consider yourself like a patrician?" he mocked. With a sneer, he cupped one of my breasts. "Let's see if it would be worthwhile to buy you."

I started to scream, but Iacomus pushed me hard on the ground. A rake laid against the wall not far from me; I tried to reach it, but I only managed to make it fall beside me. Iacomus swooped down on me and put his hand on my mouth. My cries died in my throat. His skin was rough, and he made me feel as if I were choking. "What the hell are you doing?" he hissed. "We are just having some fun and now you want to ruin everything?" He chuckled, as if we were merely playing around.

I bit his hand as hard as I could. The taste of dust and filth invaded my mouth, but it got even worse when I felt his blood on my tongue. Iacomus shouted an expletive. He slapped me hard, and the burning pain made everything go fuzzy. His body, heavy and violent, was pressing on mine. I kicked with all the strength I could manage, trying to push him away. But he seemed made of stone. He was immovable.

_God, help me!_ I tried to scream. I shut my eyes, bracing myself for the worst. A slave was nothing, nothing. I was about to lose my virginity just like that, under a brute, not preserving it for a beloved husband, nor for a lover I had chosen. A lover like...Antonius. His handsome face appeared in my mind.

I fought again, to no avail. Both my wrists were trapped in Iacomus' hands, his grip so violent that I felt my bones grinding together. Gritting my teeth, I tried to slip away from under my attacker. A pang of pain hit me. My tunic had torn against the rake; my shoulder had been wounded. The burning worsened as my back was scratched by the coarse ground. The chest of my attacker was pressed against mine, restraining me from taking enough air.

Grief consumed me. _Mother, Father, help me!_

Iacomus' foul breath was on my face, and a trace of spittle leaked out. It left a hot, sticky trail as he lowered his face close to my ear. My belly clenched as if I were going to throw up. "Be quiet," he hissed.

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**Antonius' POV**

I arrived at the farm looking for Bella, but found only Iacomus' wife, Victoria. She gasped when she saw me in the rain and rushed to offer me a dry cloak–probably her husband's best garment–and some refreshment, which I declined. There was something that I wanted to discuss with her.

"You bring many products from the farm to the villa, don't you?" I asked.

Esma had noticed that lately Victoria came often to the villa, bringing fresh eggs, dairy products, and fruit, but I remembered she had never done so in the first months when she and Iacomus had been working at the farm.

"Iacomus and I do hope that you like our offerings, Master," she purred.

"Of course I do. But I'm sure that my father would also enjoy them very much. It's a shame that you have never thought about sending him some products from the farm, through one of the _clientes_," I noted absentmindedly.

"Oh, but we do!" she exclaimed. "We send him wine, oil, and honey whenever we can."

_Just as I was suspecting_. It could be the gesture of a servant who wanted to impress me and earn my appreciation, but at the same time it offered Victoria the opportunity to sneak around my house. She was a good-looking woman and the other servants would have easily become chatty with her, should she be so inclined.

"You do?" I pretended to be surprised. "Such a good idea! I'm sure that my father will reward you for all your services. Has he mentioned anything about it, perhaps?"

She seemed to hesitate. I hoped she didn't realize she was falling into my trap. I was getting more and more angry, seeing that my suspicions were confirmed, but I had to continue to be a good liar. I smiled at her, feigning benevolence. "You know that I also appreciate your work. How is it possible that Iacomus doesn't know anything about my father's projects for the farm? We have spoken about the opportunity to appoint a new superintendent, but I don't know if maybe some other servant..."

"Oh, please, no, Master," she interrupted. My encouragement was working. "We are doing our best, believe me. Iacomus said that your father's messengers have assured him that he will be rewarded."

_Really, Victoria, you are doing your best. You have just confirmed my theory and I'd like so much to beat you and your husband to pulp right now. _I was sure that it hadn't been difficult for Felix's emissaries to lure Iacomus into doing anything they wanted. The promises that he could be freed, that he was going to be appointed as _villicus_, superintendent of the entire farm, were surely compelling ones. My visit had reached its end. At the first opportunity, Iacomus and Victoria were going to be sent away for good.

I stormed toward the stables. Bella was nowhere to be seen. I had to keep up my façade, pretending that she was a slave like any other, in case there were other spies among the servants. I was going to take a horse and send Sextius to look for her. Soon, very soon, she would come back to my home.

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**Bella's POV**

Iacomus tugged hard at my clothes until they ripped. The sound of my tunic tearing sent shivers all over me. I didn't have even the shield of a layer of fabric between him and me anymore. Again and again, I kicked harder as I felt cold air on my legs. Grunting, he leaned his forehead against my exposed neck; his sweat mingled with mine. He pressed his mouth on my chest, like a rabid dog eager to devour its food.

"Come on," he taunted. "Stay still and calm."

I jerked my knees, managing to hit him. The look he gave me made me regret it. "You little tart," he swore. With an outburst, he shredded what remained of my clothes.

I craned my neck away from him and screamed.

A second scream echoed in the stable.

Iacomus' weight was lifted off my body! I was free!

Struggling to stand up, I glimpsed a second man. I gathered my clothes around me and crawled toward the nearest corner. I couldn't take a deep breath yet, but I was sobbing. I was cold. I was shaking.

The two men were fighting. Iacomus was caught from behind and struck the other man, but then he looked at the face of his attacker and stood frozen. I tried to wipe away my tears to see who my rescuer was. The stables were almost dark, and I couldn't see well, but his frame was...I gasped. It was Antonius!

"What were you doing, _mentula_?" he shouted at Iacomus. Hearing him yelling made me flinch. I covered my head with my arms and realized I was crying again.

Iacomus tried to splutter out something, but I couldn't understand his words. I managed to hear something like _Master _and _explain_, but a moment later the only sound I heard was the raining of fists into flesh as Antonius beat my attacker. He punched and kicked him and then Iacomus curled on the ground, whining.

"Tomorrow morning, you and your wife will leave the estate," the master commanded. His voice was still loud, but he wasn't yelling anymore. I had never seen him addressing a servant with such contempt. "Go. Go to whomever sent you to spy on me, and let's see if he will spare your life as I am doing."

Iacomus spat blood onto the straw and wiped his mouth, looking furious, but he had to know resisting was useless. Snarling, he stormed out into the rain.

As I saw the master coming toward me, I curled up even more, hoping that the darkness would swallow me up. Antonius crouched down at some distance from me, and didn't move further.

"Bella," he murmured, his voice more similar to the tone I was used to hearing from him. I was still too frightened to even look at him. He called me again, softly. "I'm going to come closer. I'm not going to hurt you. Don't be afraid."

I wished I could disappear. I didn't want to be seen in this condition, and I especially didn't want _him_ to see me like this: terrified, dirty, broken.

As if he could read my mind, he took off his cloak and draped it over my shoulders. He pulled me to his chest and embraced me tightly. Without saying anything more, he stood up and, carrying me in his arms, took me away.

It was still raining; he arranged his cloak so that it covered me completely. I fought against the lump I felt in my throat: I wanted to cry, but I couldn't.

"It's over, Bella, it's over," he whispered.

I clung to my rescuer as we distanced ourselves from the farm. I prayed that we were going home to the villa. I didn't know when I had come to think of it as home, but I was glad to be returning to Esma, even temporarily if Antonius did not want me around. Antonius kept me in front of him on the horse. I held onto anything but him. Even if he despised me, I would touch him while it was permitted. I hid my face, tucking my head under Antonius' strong chin, and thanked God he had come in time. I was surprised, but grateful, that he didn't call for Esma when we entered the villa, but I was too overwhelmed to open my eyes.

Only when the air was dry and warm did he put me down, though he kept his arms around me. I opened my eyes to find we were in a room of the villa that I didn't recognize.

"Do you want me to call Esma?" he asked.

"No!" I almost shouted. I didn't want her to see me like that. I didn't want anyone to see me but, at the same time, didn't want to be left alone.

"Do you want me to go?" he wondered next. I shook my head and clung to him. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere if you don't want me to," Antonius reassured me. He caressed my hair, tucking the loose strands behind my ears. His cloak had slid off my shoulders. "There's a wound on your back," he told me quietly. "May I clean it?" His voice was calm and soft. He didn't urge me when I didn't answer immediately.

I limited myself to a nod.

In silence, he went toward a corner of the room. He retrieved something from a trunk. Then he poured some water out of a pot. When he came back, he was holding a tunic, a bowl, and a cloth.

"Sit here." He motioned to the bed and sat beside me. He dipped the cloth in the bowl; slowly, he brushed my shoulder until the wound was clean. Sidelong, I looked at him. Despite the scant light, I could see his tortured expression and it saddened me. "Does it hurt?" he asked softly.

"No," I reassured him.

I lowered my gaze as he looked at me in the face. My eyes brimmed with tears as I saw my hands, marred by scratches and dirt. _What does he think of me? _A strong, big hand covered mine. As Antonius caressed my fingers, I noticed that his knuckles were bruised. _He fought for me. _I would have kissed the hands that had rescued me.

"Let's put on some dry clothes, shall we?" Antonius gave me the tunic he had brought. He turned toward the wall, distancing himself while I changed my clothes. Men's tunics were shorter than women's, but Antonius was much taller than I, so his garment reached my ankles.

I turned toward him, fearing that he had exited the room, but I was mistaken. Antonius was still facing the wall; unaware of my gaze, he had taken off his tunic, and was wearing only his loincloth. The muscles on his shoulders and back were so sculpted that he resembled the statues of Greek athletes I had seen in my city. His height seemed even more impressive as he opened his arms and dried himself. I averted my eyes nervously: he seemed so powerful. Then, I realized I didn't have to fear Antonius' muscles; his strength had never hurt me. On the contrary, he had protected me. The same hands that had been so violent on Iacomus had always held me with tenderness.

Antonius came back to me and stroked my cheeks lightly. I nestled my head on his chest. My ears were ringing and my body was still trembling. I leaned into the sound of his heartbeat; it was like a beacon in a stormy sea.

He had saved me, but all the questions I had had in the past days continued to torment me. "Master," I croaked. "Why did you send me away?"

"I wish I could tell you everything." He paused. He closed his eyes, as if he were choosing his words carefully. ""I'm sorry, Bella," he murmured. "I would have never imagined..." He shook his head, defeated. "I wanted to keep you safe, and I failed."

"I felt safe here," I admitted.

"You weren't," he snapped. "The closer you are to me, the more you are in danger. I was supposed to know it. Instead, I made another mistake."

I stiffened as I sensed his anger. Had I been his mistake? So, were my suspicions true? Had he wanted to get rid of me, sending me to Iacomus? Tears burned my eyes at the thought. I felt them streaming on my cheeks. What if Iacomus had been right all along? What if I was going to be sold to him, so that Antonius could correct his mistake? I fell on my knees, sobbing.

"Please," I begged. "Please, do whatever you want with me–kill me if you want–but don't give me to Iacomus!"

Antonius brought me to my feet. "What are you saying? Bella, what is this? I'll kill Iacomus if I see him again! He will never be near you again!"

I couldn't stop my flood of words. "I didn't want to be a mistake for you. I didn't want to do anything wrong," I sobbed.

He cupped my face in his hands. "Look at me." His voice was kind again. The sorrow I saw in his eyes tugged at my heart. But I recognized the tenderness of his expression: he was the same man who had promised that wouldn't hurt me. "How can you believe that you are a mistake? You can't even know how precious you are to me! It broke my heart to send you away, but I had no other alternative. And it wasn't enough." Antonius drew my closer to him. He leaned his hands on my back, careful to avoid my bruises. He didn't loosen his embrace as he lowered me on the bed. I took his forearm, hoping that he was going to stay. "I'm here," he reassured me. He sat beside me, running his fingers through my hair. I shivered at his touch, but not out of fear. He draped a blanket over me, tucking me up in warm wool. Closing my eyes, I smelled his scent. A light caress wiped away my last tears.

Finally, I fell asleep.

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**Antonius' POV**

Bella sleeping in my arms: I had often dreamed of this, but it wasn't the sweet embrace I had imagined. The thought that she was even more hurt than when I had sent her to the farm was killing me. She was still hiccupping in her slumber. I tried to reassure her, caressing her lightly. Just for a moment, I wished that gods existed and, even more, that they actually cared for humans' worries. I would have offered any sacrifice to them if only it would grant happiness and peace to the sweet girl I held in my arms.

She turned in my embrace, facing my chest. "Antonius..." she mumbled. Was she awakening? But she didn't say anything else. She sighed and snuggled up against me.

I was never going to discuss with her what had happened in the stable, but she had to know that I would do everything to protect her. I couldn't hide anymore how much I cared for her.

"I love you," I murmured into her ear. I recalled the verses of a poem that had always struck me as a delusion. I had snorted the first time I read it; I believed there was no way that I was ever going to feel something like that. But I had to admit that the poet's words had become true for me. I recited the verses to Bella, although she couldn't hear me. Maybe they could reach her in her dreams. _"No woman could say she's loved so much, as you are loved by me. My tie with you is forever."_

I had struggled with my feelings toward Bella, thinking that they could be justified by my loneliness and because, in the last months, I had experienced the crumbling of all my hopes. But then I had been shaken up by her. I had never felt so cared for as Bella made me feel. She hadn't asked anything of me, had offered me her sweetness, gentleness, kind words– all without a second thought. Even when she wasn't with me, not only had she thought about me, but she prayed for me because she cared for me. There had been a time when she was convinced that I had had a role in her parents' death and in the destruction of her life; nevertheless, she had asked her god to help me.

In the stillness of the night, I allowed myself to imagine how my life with Bella would have been under different circumstances. My parents' marriage had been arranged by their families, but I could remember a time when there was serenity and fondness between them. Through Jaspis and Alica, I had seen that love could exist, but I had always thought that it wasn't meant for me–my life was following other paths.

I could see in my mind the moment when I would have asked Bella's father to allow me to marry her. I would have coped with any hurdle to persuade him that I could be worthy of his daughter. I daydreamed of Bella in her wedding attire, of her pregnant with our children, even of her with gray hair and wrinkles; she could have forever been my safe haven, my most cherished treasure.

"Forever...I want you with me forever," I murmured to her.

There weren't words to name the feelings flooding through me. I would love this girl for the rest of my life. My love for her settled into every portion of my heart.

But our time together had been cut short. I had to earn her trust and was aware that it wasn't possible as long as she didn't know the complete truth about Felix. Maybe if she knew the truth, she would understand that sending her away had had everything to do with him. I couldn't rest, thinking about what was I going to say to her as soon as the new day came. Even worse moments were arriving: Felix's next visit was approaching in a matter of days.

I tightened my embrace around Bella and hummed to her, hoping she could continue to sleep. I was still surprised that she had preferred to stay with me rather than with Esma. My wet-nurse was her friend and was so maternal that I was sure that she would have been able to reassure Bella, even after what had happened in the stable. But Bella had chosen me.

As a Roman citizen, Bella had been raised as a free woman; I believed that her mother had emphasized the virtue of virginity as was common. I knew that some stories, as the ones of Lucretia or Virginia, were often told and re-told to young women to make them consider their chastity more important even than their own life, as it had been centuries ago for traditional Roman women.

The life of a slave was different, I had to admit; it was well-known that many pretty ones were used as sex slaves. But I had never taken advantage of a servant, and I had always tried to avoid it happening in my house or on the farm. As long as Bella had been in the villa, she had shared a room with Esma. Then, since Iacomus had his own wife, a young and healthy woman, I had thought that...my blood boiled as I considered that Bella, _my_ Bella, had risked being raped by the same person to whom I had entrusted her safety. The thought that, in a certain way, she had lost her innocence today, that she had had to discover that men were capable of any horror, made me tremble with rage. I had dreamed of her body, I had wanted her with a deep passion, but I would have never forced her. She had suffered very much because of Felix, and I wanted to give her only joy when we were together.

I draped a blanket on her. "Sleep well, my love," I murmured to her. Would I have the courage to call her "love" when she was awake?

"_Suns may set, and suns may rise again:_

_but when our brief light has set,_

_night is one long everlasting sleep."_

The words of the poem returned, and something clenched inside me. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to lose Bella. The thought that I could have lost her because of Iacomus–that we were surrounded by danger because of Felix–terrified me. It felt as the air had been sucked out from my chest.

Just one more day. I hoped to have at least one more day to live. I wasn't going to let it pass away without telling Bella how much I loved her.

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><p><strong>Only you can write your review!<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter Notes<strong>

"Mentula" was a basic obscenity for penis, used also as a personal insult. For example, Catullus in his epigram 105 calls a man, Mamurra, "mentula."

Some of the words that Antonius whispers to Bella are borrowed from a poem by Catullus (poem 87).

Lucretia is a legendary figure of the Roman Republic. She was raped by the king's son and then committed suicide. Her rape and death were the immediate cause of the revolution that overthrew the monarchy, drove the king's family from Rome and established the Republic. About Virginia/ Verginia, instead, you can find a synopsis of her story on Wikipedia (see: Verginia).

About underwear: Antonius wears a _subligaculum_; it was a form of underwear worn by both men and women in ancient Rome.

**Author's Notes**

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	14. Truth

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: _Twilight_ belongs to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 14 – Truth<strong>

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><p>"<em>Cave vereare ne tua mihi veritas acerba sit.<em>"

"I beg you not to be afraid of your **truth** giving me pain."

(Cicero, _Letters to Atticus_, 3, 17)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

The night went on, but trapped in my thoughts, I didn't sleep. Over and over, I counted the days I supposed we had before Felix's arrival. I went through the names of all the friends I could try to contact to ask them to hide Bella. _There should be a way_, I kept repeating to myself. _I can offer them gold; I can repay them well. Someone will help me to protect her. _There was nothing I wouldn't do to keep Bella safe. No avenue would be neglected. No stone left unturned.

I recalled the night Bella had told me that she prayed for her parents. Why did she do so? Could I also pray for the people I had lost? There wasn't any god I would have liked to pray to, but I would have liked to talk to Alica. _Little sister_, I would have prayed, _forgive me._

A lock of Bella's hair fell on her cheek. I brushed it back behind her ear. With her hair loosened, she seemed even younger, even more frail.

Realization dawned on me: frail. She was breakable. That was the key.

Felix had said that Alica was _too breakable. _When he had given me Bella, he had said that I ought to enjoy her as long as I could, because for him she was _breakable_. What did he mean, as long as I could? What had he planned for Bella? Was there any way to protect her from the monster that used to be my father?

As if she had sensed my fears, Bella stirred in her slumber.

"I'm here," I murmured to her. She curled up and went back to her dreams.

When her eyes finally cracked open, she was disoriented. She looked at me without speaking. Then she leaned toward me, and I gathered her in my arms.

With light caresses, I roamed her face, whispering, "Good morning." Could I ease her pain and make her feel cherished and precious? I felt her relax in my arms at my touch. Her eyes were still puffy, but she wasn't crying anymore. I wanted to kiss away any trace of tears. I would kiss her lips until she could smile again, but never without her consent.

"Bella, I'd like you to listen to me," I told her, following her fine profile with a finger. "I'm asking as a free man who talks to a free woman. Whenever you are not comfortable with anything, and I mean _anything_ that I will say, just tell me and I'll stop myself."

She looked at me, appearing confused. Her lips parted as if she were going to speak, but she didn't. Instead, she averted her eyes.

I tilted up her chin. "You know my given name, don't you?" I smiled at her.

She nodded.

"Say it. Out loud," I instructed.

She raised an eyebrow; it seemed as if she were asking herself if she had heard me correctly.

"Please," I added.

"Antonius," she whispered.

Even if her voice was still hoarse, I could feel the sweetness with which she complied. Did I hear affection? I had heard her saying my name when I had found her in the garden at nighttime, but finally it wasn't said out of fear. Or so I hoped.

"I want to be nothing different than Antonius for you, from now on," I assured her. "Don't see me as your master, Bella. I'm only Antonius to you. The man you care for so much that you prayed for him. Although I haven't done anything to earn it, I'm the man whom you want to be happy. I'll be always grateful to you for this." I skimmed my fingers across her cheek, where her tears had streamed until a few hours ago. "You saved my life, Bella. Even before the accident in the atrium. You made me feel alive again. Before you arrived here, every morning I needed to remind myself to be strong, to get up, to do what I was requested to do, even to breathe in and out. With you, I didn't need to do it anymore."

I saw her eyes glistening. "Don't weep, my dear," I murmured. "You're beautiful, my Bella. You're so beautiful that I can't find the right words to describe it, and I've borrowed a poet's verses to speak to you."

Her brows furrowed as she stared at me.

"_There's no danger to you/ that any fairer woman shall see/ the bright day rise from the Ocean waves_," I said slowly. Bella came from a sea city; she could remember how the waves looked. Having seen many fair women, I could assure her that none were fairer than she.

"_So in the colorful little garden/ of a rich man/ blooms a hyacinth flower_." Was I a rich man? Maybe other men thought so. But I had never felt so rich and blessed as when she had shown me her affection.

In Rome, I had been deemed an highly eligible bachelor. I was the only son of a rich and powerful family; I was considered handsome and I was educated. Many fathers had suggested that I could be a good match for their daughters. But I knew that even the women whom I had approached without our families' influence didn't really see me. All they could see was my public role.

Bella had seen me at my worst. I hadn't done anything to charm her, but nonetheless she had offered to me everything she still had. She was the light when I thought that my life was fatally compromised; she was the flower that made beautiful everything around her. Was I so brave to tell her the rest of the verses I had chosen?

In my life, I had felt more prepared to face a foreign army and guide a legion of soldiers, coupled with the necessity of earning their trust, than to show my feelings to the girl I had in my arms.

"_If I was allowed/ to kiss your honey-sweet eyes,/ I might kiss you three hundred/ thousand times, and never be sated,/ not even if my kisses were more/than the crop's ripe ears of wheat_," I told her, verse by verse, without any pause. I was sure that if I had stopped, I wouldn't be able to continue. We were close, so close that I could feel her warmth on my skin. Again, I gathered my courage. "Bella..." My voice was trembling. Was I so afraid of her rejection? I leaned closer to her. "May I kiss you?"

She gaped at me. I was going to apologize and ask her to forgive me, but she stopped my words and my heart with her smile. A shy, shy smile, followed by the sweetest words she could have said to me. "You may."

Eager to savor every moment, I wasn't going to release her from my embrace soon. I kissed her lightly on her cheek, enjoying her blush. With my lips, I caressed the delicious softness of her skin. Then my mouth searched for hers.

I sampled her lower lip, savoring the first taste of her like if it were a ripe, juicy strawberry. I had seen her mouth curled in a smile, I had seen her laughing. More than that, I recalled the kind words that had left from those lips and had reached my soul. I gently parted her lips with my tongue, trying to convey both my desire and my respect. Bella had already made me feel welcome in her heart; it was her body's turn to show me her affection. Still shy, she closed her mouth around my tongue and almost bit it. I put a hand behind her nape, tilting up her head. Her lips parted again; I let a rain of light kisses fall on them.

"Antonius," Bella murmured again, while our lips were still touching. "I'm so confused."

Abruptly, I stopped. But she didn't squirm in my arms. I searched her eyes, desperate for a sign of her intentions.

"I thought of you every night," she confessed.

"As I thought of you," I admitted. My hands slid down her shoulders and my nose skimmed across her collarbone. I pressed the side of my face tenderly against her chest, listening to her heart. "I won't ever have enough of your kisses," I vowed. Whatever Fate was going to decide for us, the moment we were living was still ours.

Bella's eyes glistened again, but they were happy. I was sure that, finally, so were mine.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

**Bella's POV**

_I'm yours. I'm yours now, Antonius_, I thought.

I could say his name aloud, as I had desired for so long. I was his in the only way I had ever wanted to be: not as a slave, not because I was forced to be in his house, but because I was giving myself willingly to him. Finally, I had seen him smiling again. I had received even more than what I had asked for in my prayers for Antonius: he was happy and he was so because of me.

But a bitter thought marred my joy. I understood he had sent me away only to protect me, but I felt guilty. I had doubted him, believing that he was going to get rid of me. He had suffered no less than I had during our separation. I caressed his hair as he leaned his head on my chest. "I owe you an apology, Antonius," I told him.

He tilted up his head. "How could it be possible, my Bella?" A smile passed over his lips. "You can't have anything to apologize for."

"I doubted you. While I was at the farm, I thought that you..." I couldn't finish.

Antonius put a finger on my lips. Gone was his carefree gaze. "I had to, Bella. I would have never sent you away from me if it hadn't seemed the only way to keep you safe."

"But the danger isn't over, is it?"

"I can't lie to you, Bella," he murmured. "I don't _want_ to lie to you."

"Then don't," I said quietly. A wrinkle appeared between his eyebrows. I would have liked to smooth it. I couldn't bear seeing him under the burden of such a great, secret sorrow. "Please, don't keep it from me," I pleaded.

"I sent you to the farm because of a message I got." He cringed. "It was a letter from Felix. He is going to come here soon."

I stiffened. In light of the memories of what Felix had already done, I felt even more trapped by the fear of what he might do next time. "What are you afraid of?" I asked Antonius.

"When he visits, he doesn't leave alone. He takes one of the servants, and..." Antonius didn't continue.

He had just confirmed my darkest suspicions. I averted my eyes from him. "He takes their life, doesn't he?" I mumbled.

Antonius' eyes widened. We both remained in silence. I had expected that he was going to prove me wrong–but he didn't. He swallowed hard before speaking. "I promised you the truth, Bella. The truth is that I can only confirm what you said."

His words made everything crumble around me. It had taken me a while to understand. I had always believed that they were only rumors, until I acknowledged that they were possible.

"How did you know?" he inquired.

"_The strix cries by night._" I began to tell him the verses of that myth. I still remembered them. "_Without food or drink, with head below and tips of feet above. It brings war and death to me__n and feeds on__ human flesh and blood._"

"Go ahead." His voice was hollow.

"When I was still at home, I heard an ancient legend. It was about a creature that is awake all night long, doesn't need to eat or drink, and takes human blood. I had considered it a myth, but when..." I sighed. My eyes welled up with tears. "When my parents were killed, too many things were odd. The men who took them didn't seem like you, like me. They didn't seem human. Then, when I was brought here..." I couldn't say anything else; tears streamed down my face.

"Bella." Antonius' voice sounded terrified. "I have to know. What have they done to you?"

"I don't know if I'm right, but he...sniffed me," I admitted.

"Felix?" he whispered, sounding strangled.

I nodded.

Antonius briskly stood up and started to pace the room. "Felix is coming in a few days," he growled. "He wants me to leave with him."

I felt as my throat had been caught in an invisible grip, and air had been sucked out of me. "How long?"

"I don't know, Bella. But you can't be here when he comes. He knows that I care for you. It's too dangerous."

I shook my head in disbelief. I couldn't avoid what was coming. Was Antonius going to send me away again? Where?

Before I could voice my fears, he spoke again. "Felix thinks that I need to be _detached_," he seethed. "In order to teach me this lesson, he takes the people who are most important to me. I am ready to trade my life for any of them and I tried to, but it didn't work."

"But you are not like him."

"Not yet."

A shiver ran down my back. "What does that mean?"

_No time, no time, there is no more time. _The dire words resonated in my mind. _We will never be to each other like we are meant to be. Our love is going to be taken from us, we will both perish, one way or another…_

"I don't know, Bella!" he shouted, sounding exasperated. He paused before continuing. "Believe me. Felix was a person, like me, ten years ago. I don't know what happened to him, but when he came back home after years of absence, he had changed. I'm afraid that he can make me like him and I suspect that he is actually planning to do it," he confessed.

"You couldn't!" I cried. "You couldn't ever become like him!"

But Antonius remained silent.

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><p><strong>Only you can write your review. Thanks for reading!<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter Notes<strong>

For Bella, Antonius chose some verses by Catullus and by Propertius (with some poetic licenses, you know). In particular, the verses are from the _Carmina_ 48 and 62 by Catullus, and from Propertius' _Elegy_ II, 15.

_Strix_ was the Ancient Roman and Greek word for owl. It was considered a bird of ill omen, product of a metamorphosis. You can find more about it on Wikipedia (Strix).

**Author's Notes**

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Don't miss their stories! Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	15. Lovers

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

This chapter is landing in your inbox a bit earlier than usual, but it's already Saturday here!

Disclaimer: the characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 15 – Lovers<strong>

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><p>"<em>Ni te perdite amo atque amare porro<em>

_omnes sum assidue paratus annos,_

_quantum qui pote plurimum perire, _

_solus in Libya Indiaque tosta_

_caesio veniam obvius leoni._"

"If I do not **love** you desperately and I am not further/ prepared to **love** you/ continually through all years,/ as much as he who is able to die the most,/ alone in Libya and scorched in India/ may I come to meet the blue eyed lion."

(Catullus, _Poem_ 45, 3-7)

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

The demons that tormented Antonius became my demons, too. The sweet fire of his kisses was still on my lips, but the truth about Felix made me shiver.

I believed that love could make people stronger. It had been so when I had felt that someone cared for me. Antonius made me feel that I wasn't alone anymore. The warmth of his embraces and his words gave me peace. But love also had the power to make us more vulnerable. The thought that Felix could hurt Antonius was more frightening than knowing that I could be hurt, too. I was sure that it was the same for Antonius. Whatever was going to happen to one of us, it was going to save or destroy the other as well.

Of one thing I was sure: I wanted to be his in every way. It could be for a single day or forever–it didn't matter. I had made up my mind. Was it a sin? Would have God have pity on me, pity on us?

What would have happened if I had met Antonius in different circumstances? I wondered about the strength of his love. I would love him forever, but could it be the same for an unbeliever? Could it be possible that he would have wanted me for his wife? Did marriage have the same significance for him as it had for me? The only thing I knew was that my commitment to him felt so right, there was no way to doubt it.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

**Antonius' POV**

I didn't dare hold Bella's eyes. Rejection was my worst fear. I was afraid to meet her gaze and see that she couldn't accept me anymore. She had already inferred that Felix was an abnormal being, but I had confirmed her suspicions. How could she accept, let alone _love_, the son of a monster? I couldn't give her any promise that she wouldn't be hurt. What if Felix was going to make me similar to him? What if he succeeded in his horrible project?

Maybe Bella's rejection would be best for me and for her. It could encourage her to run away and to be safe. If she was going to turn me down, I would have the meager consolation that I would be the only one suffering because of our separation.

Bella's caress on my cheek interrupted my thoughts. She stroked my jaw and set her fingers under my chin, waiting for me to look at her. She had always been strong and brave, but I couldn't ask her to face an inhuman world that frightened even me.

"I need to find a solution," I muttered, more to myself than to her. "There are only a few days left, but there should be a way. I'll try to find a safe place and I'll send you there."

"Antonius!" Bella gasped. She looked horrified. How could I blame her? The last time I had tried to keep her safe by sending her away, she had nearly suffered…I didn't even finish my thought.

"What about you?" she cried.

"What about me! I'll stay here and...and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't even think straight! _Hercle_, I can't let Felix so much as put a finger on you!" I hadn't realized that I was almost yelling.

Bella stiffened. What was I doing? She didn't need to become even more upset by my worries.

"I'm afraid," she admitted.

I winced. "As you should be! I must find someone who will protect you. I'd give anything to keep you safe–I swear."

She rushed to object. "That's not what I'm afraid of!"

"What do you mean?" I looked at her in confusion, wishing that I could read the answer in her eyes. They were brimming over with tears. "What do you fear, then?"

"I'm afraid that you are going to be hurt and I'll lose you," she said quietly.

I couldn't believe her. I searched her face for clues. How could she be worried about me when her own life was at stake? I had expected that she was going to reject me. But was I selfish accepting her care, letting her be so close to me?

"Antonius." Her voice was no more than a whisper. "Do we really have only a few days left?" she asked.

I nodded. It seemed that she wished to say something, but was hesitating. Her cheeks became crimson. I thought about the words I had said while she was still sleeping. Maybe, after leaving with Felix, I wouldn't come back home anymore; maybe I wasn't going to see Bella again. Which was the best decision? Was it better for her to know my feelings?

If I wasn't going to survive, I wanted her to move on. I wanted her to be able to forget the nightmare Felix had made her live, and have a good life, as far as this was possible. I desired every good thing for her. Maybe I could entrust her to my friend Emeritus; I could ask him to keep her safe with his family, and eventually free how could I tell her my thoughts, when I desperately wanted her to have a future with me and only me? To be the man she was going to call husband, to be the father of her children, _our_ children.

"I love you."

The words didn't come out from my mouth, voicing my thoughts, but from hers. I gaped at her. My astonished expression was mirrored in her widened eyes.

"If we are really going to be separated, I can't risk saying goodbye to you without telling you how deeply I care for you," she added softly.

I rushed to take her in my arms. "I love you too, Bella. I want you forever. I want you to be mine as I'm already yours." I devoured her kisses. How could I possibly be so happy when we were surrounded by danger, the future gaping like a black pit in front of us?

"I can't make you any promise, because I am a prisoner," I said, "but if we survive this, I want us to be joined forever. I want to free you and bind you to me according to your religion and the laws of Rome. If you want me, that is."

"Yes. I want nothing but you," she answered eagerly.

How I wanted her! She had already conquered my heart, but I was desperate to show her with my own body how much I desired and cherished her. She flushed, aware of my physical response to her.

"Will you make me yours?" she asked shyly.

"I should not have my way with you," I murmured, "much as I desire it, because you are not free. It would be wrong..." Feeling my arousal, I tried to distance myself and regain some composure.

Her grip on my shoulders, however, was unbelievably strong for such a slight woman. "You are not free either, my Antonius," she told me, "but we can decide, just for a short time, to escape the destiny in store for us. Please, don't go away. I am yours. I will be forever yours," she vowed.

I cradled her face in my hands, peppering her eyelids, nose, and cheeks with light kisses. "Tell me if I do something that you don't want, my beloved," I murmured. I had never been so hesitant with a woman–but she was so much more than any woman I had previously held in my arms. I caressed her forehead, getting lost in her eyes; they had intrigued me with their honesty and clarity, from the beginning. In them I had found acceptance, tenderness, love. I brushed my fingers along her neck and then on her shoulders; I smiled at her sudden blush. Could I take her? Could I make love to her? The language of our bodies was saying much more than any words possibly could.

She caressed my hair, and I buried my face in the crook of her neck. I whispered her name over and over, as a prayer. She was my ray of light: she was my hope. I didn't believe in the gods of my people anymore, but her faith made me wonder if a divinity could truly exist and had given her such an exceptional heart. How was it possible that someone, let alone such a young woman, could love with so much passion and so deeply?

I was going to protect her, no matter what. I would have done my best to keep her safe even if she had openly rejected me; but she was giving me her love, without asking anything in return.

I caressed her mouth, tenderly opening her lips with my own. I wanted to thank her for every sweet word she had said to me. There had been a time when I knew I was considered attractive to women. Their admiration, even their desire, was just something that I took for granted. But Bella had made me feel _cared for_. She had never offered any of the wiles that the women I used to see knew so well; she had never tried to _seduce_ me. With her sensitivity, with perceptiveness and generosity, she had reached into the inner depths of my heart. She had gone past every wall of mine. Letting down my defenses had become more and more natural with her.

"_Se agapao_," she whispered in her native language.

Her words made me smile widely. "I can understand it, you know?" I told her softly. "But be sure I have never said 'I love you', in Greek or in any other language, to anyone. I have never had cause. I have never felt this way before."

She seemed confused but didn't voice her doubts. I could read in her expression that she didn't believe me.

"Trust me, my sweet Bella. You've changed everything in me. You are all I have been waiting for." Could she read in my eyes the sincerity of my words?

She tightened her grip around me and sweetly kissed my mouth.

Both lying on my bed, I admired the shy goddess in my arms. Leaning on my side, I cradled her body close to my chest. I lay her back, losing myself in her eyes as I hovered over her. Her dark hair was a halo around the purity of her face, a silk cushion upon which the most precious pearl was shining. My fingers circled the peaks of her breasts, making them harden. I teased her mouth with my lips, until she tilted her chin up, trying to catch my kisses. My lips brushed her chest, as if I could tell her heart directly how much I loved her. My hand glided across her skin, moving down.

I continued to touch her, letting my fingers find the way to those tender places in which Love proclaims its presence. They learned the fullness of her breasts and the mystery of her most secret spots.

I looked at her, searching for any sign of anxiety, but all that I could see was the love-light trembling in her eyes, like rays of sun sparkling on dancing waves. She moaned softly and our caresses were mingled with murmurings of love and whispered words. Although I was the experienced one, I felt that I wasn't leading her; we were going together, at the same pace, toward a promised haven.

Wave by wave, we felt our arousal increase, until we couldn't withstand our separation anymore.

And so we became one.

Bella was magnificent. I cherished the perfect shape of her body, her scent, her taste, and the way she welcomed me in our lovemaking, almost with no sign of distress. It was inebriating, knowing I was the first to enter her sanctuary. She was for me a garden enclosed; a shut up spring, a sealed fountain. I wanted to discover every flower of her garden, get lost in every scent. Could she feel how precious she was to me?

Our mutual pleasure came naturally, sweeter than anything I had experienced before. She had chosen me, and I desired with all my heart to be worthy of her decision. I loved her with my whole body, with all my strength, glorying in her responsiveness, and felt both powerful and humbled by her delight. Her voice quavered, and I could sense the joy she was feeling in unison with my own. My speed slackened so as to prolong her bliss.

When we were spent, I pulled her against me and kissed her sweetly. The smooth silk of her skin became warmer as my caresses cherished it. She nestled in my arms as I held her; the time flew by. I wished she knew that I would be forever grateful for her trust. We whispered to each other words to be saved in a secret place of our hearts.

I would keep Bella in my embrace forever. Our love was strong – we were aware of it, as we knew how fragile our life circumstances were. I could only hope that I was wrong about Felix. _Noth__ing can separate me from you, Bella,_ I vowed. _Until my last breath, I will love you; m__ind, body and soul_.

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><p><strong>Only you can write your review! Thanks for reading.<strong>

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><p><strong>Notes<strong>

Song of Solomon 4:12, "A garden enclosed is my sister, my spouse; a spring shut up, a fountain sealed." (King James Version).

For the love scene between Antonius and Bella I am very indebted to Ovid and his _Ars Amatoria_, but also to Romanward's lovely betas/prereaders. Speaking of lemons (lol), in Italy we have a liqueur called Limoncello, made from lemon peel. Camilla provided it for this chapter, while JMolly had the idea of a "Writing Lemon Course" just for me. What more can I ask for?

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Don't miss their stories! Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	16. Fate

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: The characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

It's already Saturday here! You've been so kind in your reviews that Romanward was looking forward meeting you all once again :) Speaking of meetings, I've spent a wonderful evening with two wonderful girls I met in this fandom. Thank you for everything, dear Chacha and Elena, I'm so glad we met. We discussed Romanward, of course, and we had lasagna, red wine and tiramisu. No Esma's pear pie, though.

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><p><strong>Chapter 16 – Fate<strong>

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><p>"<em>Ac veluti folia arentis liquere corollas,<em>

_quae passim calathis strata natare vides,_

_sic nobis, qui nunc magnum spiramus amantes,_

_forsitan includet crastina fata dies._"

"As the leaves fall from dried garlands,/ as you see them scatter in cups and float/ there, so we, now, the lovers, who hope for great things,/ perhaps **fate**, tomorrow, will end our day."

(Propertius, _The Elegies_, II, 15, 51-54)

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

"Wait for me in the library," Antonius instructed. "I have to find a way to escape Felix." His voice dripped with anger as he spoke his father's name.

I tried to object. "If you get in trouble because of me–"

"I won't," he interrupted. "When it's done, I'll come get you."

I paced the library, lost among the memories of the moments Antonius and I had shared there. The first time I had entered it, the shelves full of literary and philosophical works had impressed me. Then I had learned how to put away the manuscripts properly, where to find the Greek works and the Latin ones. I could recognize at once Antonius' favorite scrolls. My fingers glided over one of them, looking for a distraction.

I would have liked to know Antonius as he was before Felix's return. Many times since I had come to his villa, I had wondered who _my master _truly was. My question had become: who was the man I had fallen in love with? I could imagine him as a boy, studying in the library. The idea of a younger Antonius struggling with Greek grammar made me smile. Closing my eyes, I could almost see him, impatient to go outside to play, luring his preceptor into giving him a longer break from the study. What had happened to that carefree boy? Was he lost forever?

It wasn't difficult to imagine that Antonius' mother must have been proud of him. I could tell it just by the way Esma always spoke about him. He was a strong and brave man. He cared about righteousness. _Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be__ filled_, Jesus had said. Felix must have been blind not to see the worth of his son.

I had seen Antonius happy. After seeing him smiling, how could anybody possibly want to rob him of anything? He was so easy to love. How could his own father want to take his freedom from him? Fears and hopes were fighting against each other in my heart while I waited for any news from Antonius. I tried to pray, and the words of a Psalm came to mind:

_I sought the Lord, and He answered me;_

_He delivered me from all my fears. _

I recalled the times God had protected me. When I had been enslaved, I had thought that I was going to die; instead, God had helped me through Esma and Antonius.

_The lions may grow weak and hungry,_

_but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. _

These words made me shiver. Antonius and I were truly facing a lion. I begged God to listen to me, since He was the only one who could deliver Antonius and me from the trouble we were in.

"Bella," a man called to me, standing in the doorway. I didn't know his name, but he was a servant I had already seen at the house. "The master wants to see you immediately. Follow me," he urged.

**Antonius' POV**

Alone in my office, I tried to find out how much money and jewelry I could gather. The names of the friends I could get in contact with passed through my mind. Emeritus seemed to be the best option. He had ended his military career and was pursuing his political one in Rome. We had been like brothers in war; I could send him gifts of jewelry and gold to repay whatever he would be able to do to ensure Bella's safety. He had a family; he could pretend that Bella was a new servant who would help his wife. I pulled at my hair, exasperated. Emeritus had a child to keep safe, too. What would happen if Felix discovered Bella was hiding with them? How could I dare to risk their lives?

There weren't other options, though. Iacomus' betrayal had already proven that Bella couldn't stay in the villa or on the farm anymore. I felt angered just thinking about Iacomus and his wife. I was aware that, by kicking them out, I had probably damned them to death: once they had been discovered, they had become no more than two inconvenient witnesses. The monsters that helped Felix, serving as messengers for him, had no need to keep them alive. Regardless, my resentment toward them prevented me from regretting my murderous thoughts.

Since Iacomus and Victoria had been chased away from the house, I had hoped that Felix was lacking his primary source of information, at least for a few days. But when I had received his last letter I had realized that, if he wasn't already close to the villa, his emissaries were around it. I recalculated the time that a messenger needed to go from the villa to Volterra and keep Felix posted, but my efforts were likely futile. Felix had said that he was extremely fast. Were there other creatures like him? Was he using them as emissaries? I thought about the fastest horses I had seen. Could Felix's men be even faster than them?

I considered the horses in my stables. One of the _clientes_ could take the fastest one and bring my message to Emeritus. Since the _clientes_ went back and forth from the villa to the market, I could pretend that Bella was to be sold in the city, as could happen to any other slave.

The memory of Alica's death shook me again. I couldn't risk Felix taking Bella to the same fate as he had Alica. Bella had to disappear before Felix could get her. I thought about the look Bella had given me when I had sent her to wait for me in the library. She trusted me. Could I prove that I was worthy of her trust? It would have been enough. My only hope was that Felix would take his revenge on me and not on an innocent person. _Not on her_.

"Sextius!" I called.

He immediately joined me.

"My father will arrive in a matter of days," I told him. "I'll leave with him." Just the thought made me cringe. "You'll be in charge of the villa and the servants," I instructed.

Sextius nodded.

I swallowed a lump in my throat, thinking about what I was going to ask him to do. "If I don't come back," I began. Sextius' eyes widened. "Within a moon," I rushed to add, "I want you to do your utmost to protect Esma. Take care of her as if she were your own mother."

Again, he nodded. Then, as if he had read my thoughts, he reinforced his commitment. "I swear on my life, Master."

"Thank you," I told him, not only for what he was currently doing, but for everything he had done in the years he had been at the house. It was a farewell for me.

"You know where I keep the money," I told him. "Go get it and bring it back to me."

I retrieved my seal and prepared another letter to give to Emeritus if he accepted the charge of caring for Bella. It was the last thing to do before joining Bella and waiting for an answer, hoping that it would arrive before Felix.

Collapsed on a chair, I let my thoughts wander. The memory of Bella's scent, of the way she reacted to my caresses, of the feeling of her cheek pressed against my chest, filled my mind and wrapped around my heart. When I had brought her back from the farm, I had wished to have at least a day to live, just to get the opportunity to tell her how much I cared for her. I had had it – but it wasn't enough. I wasn't ready to let her go. If living meant that I could be with Bella, then I would devote myself to life. I wanted to make her smile again. I wanted to feel her melting in my arms.

Only since I had fallen in love with Bella could I understand how much my friend Emeritus had missed his wife. The memory of our conversations in the military camp took on a new meaning for me. For years, I had been with my fellow soldiers, thinking I was complete in myself, not realizing what I was seeking besides my own glory. When I was in the army, I hadn't anyone to care for and to miss in that way.

Could I beg Bella's god to leave her with me? Was that unknown god really willing to listen to me, like Bella had told me that night in the garden? I was going to offer everything to him. Everything but her.

The sound of footsteps on the corridor told me that someone was arriving in a rush. Then there was a knock on the door. Sextius was already back, but he didn't have the bag of money in his hands. "What happened?" I asked.

"Master," he blurted, "your father is here."

Everything was swept away in front of my eyes: my plans, the message I had sent, the slight hope to save Bella.

_Forgive me, Bella_. I didn't even have time enough to say it to her.

"Sextius, listen to me," I ordered. "Bella is in the library. Go get her and leave her in Esma's care. Whatever happens, protect them. Don't lose sight of them, not even for a second. I'll meet my father in the atrium. Tell Bella that I had to go." My voice broke. I took a breath and made my tone firm, hoping that Sextius hadn't noticed my emotion. "She must not come to me for any reason, understood?"

Again I wished I had a god to pray to, someone to ask for advice. Even when I had been ready to die fighting in war, I had imagined my death surrounded by an army. In front of Felix I felt utterly alone.

Felix wasn't in the atrium; I reached him in the front garden. Even without his armor, his posture resembled the one of a warrior. I cringed, recalling how much I had admired him when I was a boy and I had seen him wearing his helmet and sword. The father who once had made me feel safe had become my enemy.

"_Ave_, Felix," I greeted him.

"_Ave et tu_, Antonius." He hadn't called me _son_, nor had smiled at me. "It's a pleasure to see you again." As the clever man and the astute politician he was, he knew that I wasn't expecting his premature visit.

I looked him square in the eyes, as if I was sizing up an enemy on the battlefield. A half-grin was his silent reaction. There was nothing I could do without him knowing. He still had the upper hand.

"You mentioned that you wanted me to meet someone," I reminded him.

He nodded. "You remember well."

I turned back and gave a last glance to the home where I was born. The clouds kept it in shadows. Because of Felix, my home had been my prison, and yet it had become the place where I had found love. I wondered if I was ever going to come back. Not only was my life in Felix's hands, but I would remain a human only as long as he allowed. Hadn't he proudly reaffirmed it more than once in the past?

"I'm ready to go," I declared. Even if Felix was taking me toward Tartarus, I was ready to sacrifice anything for Bella's safety.

He frowned, as if he weren't expecting that I didn't put up a fight to avoid leaving with him. "Don't you need anything for the journey?" he asked.

"I'm fine," I answered curtly. As long as Felix was away from the house, Bella would be safe. Again, I was leaving her–and Esma–without the opportunity to say goodbye. _This time Bella knows that you love her, _I told to myself. The memory of her kisses was still on my lips. None could steal from me the joy Bella had given me by accepting my love and loving me in turn. _I'm yours, Bella_, I thought. _Until my last breath, my soul will stay with you._

Felix motioned to a chariot, and we climbed on it alone. He didn't take any servants, nor did he speak even a word about the slaves or about Bella. Was it a good sign? Was it going to be just a final confrontation between him and me, as I hoped?

He cracked the whip, urging the horses onward. I turned back one last time, but the villa was already too far away to be seen. A thought made me shudder: what if my home was already in the hands of other monsters like Felix?

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><p><strong>Only you can write your review. Thanks for reading!<strong>

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><p><strong>AN**

Emeritus is Emmett; we met him in chapter 4.

Tartarus was the region of torments in Roman underworld.

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Don't miss their stories! Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	17. Prisoners

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: the characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 17 – Prisoners<strong>

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><p>"<em>Captivos commercatur, si queat _

_aliquem invenire, suom qui mutet filium./ _

_Quod quidem ego nimis quam cupio ut impetret;/ _

_nam ni illum recipit, nihil est quo me recipiam_."

"He buys up men that have been made **prisoners**, if perchance he may be able to find some one for whom to gain his son in exchange.

An object which I really do much desire that he may gain.

For unless he finds him, there's nowhere for me to find myself."

(Plautus, _Captivi_, Act I, Scene I, 32-35)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

In the days and nights that followed, Felix was my relentless guardian.

We traveled fast and mostly in silence, exchanging only the bare minimum of dialogue needed for our journey. The winter days were short and so we spent most of the time in darkness, but it seemed that Felix wasn't bothered by it. He decided when we were traveling or when we could stop, without differentiating between day or night. He chose the less crowded roads and we retired into the woods when it was time to rest. We slept in the open and Felix gave me some blankets, but didn't use anything for himself. Was he totally immune to the cold?

Nightmares tortured me every time I tried to doze off. I always felt numb, and the time went by in a blur. On a misty morning, he halted the chariot in a small clearing and retrieved some bread and cheese from a bag.

"Eat," he instructed. He took a bowl and left the chariot. "There's a fount not far from here. I'll go to get some water." As if he could know my thoughts, he narrowed his eyes at me. "Don't even try to escape."

"I'm not running away," I told him dryly. "I'm not a coward."

Swiftly, he went through the fog and came back with a bowl of water. I drank it, but I couldn't eat the food. Every time I thought about _his _food, I felt sick.

"Aren't you hungry?" he asked, eying me as I put the bread and cheese back in the bag.

"Are you concerned?" I snapped. "Are you feeding up your pet?"

He didn't answer, only pursing his lips in a tight line. We got back in the chariot, and he spurred the horses to resume the journey.

After a few hours, Felix broke the silence. "We'll arrive in Volterra tonight," he announced.

I couldn't continue to wait. It was the moment to have my questions answered. "_Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori_," I slowly articulated. "Didn't you say that many times, Felix?" I mocked.

He looked at me and seemed surprised that I was speaking to him, and quoting a poet into the bargain.

"'It is sweet and fitting to die for one's country.' That was what you taught me," I lamented. For too long I had refrained from confronting Felix, fearing that he could take his revenge on the people of my home. But since our masks were no longer necessary, I was ready to face his reaction. "But then, what happened to you? You used to act as a hero. You made me dream about glory and military success, and now? What do you live for? Oh, but maybe I'm forgetting that you have already died. So now you don't live for those values anymore. What do you _exist_ for?"

Felix remained silent, frowning. But I hadn't finished.

"You were a military leader, but now you attack women and men who can't defend themselves. You were a politician, but you don't follow our laws anymore."

I was insinuating that his behavior was against the typical values of a Roman citizen, but he seemed curious more than hurt. "Why do you say so?" he asked.

"You attacked and slaughtered a family of free Roman citizens. You killed them without a trial," I accused him. I recalled when Bella had told me the story of her family. Just the thought caused me to raise my voice in anger. "You enslaved a free woman without any evidence of guilt. You didn't give her any choice."

I wasn't prepared for his reaction.

He laughed. I was shaking with rage and he laughed!

"You are talking about your beloved little human! I see...this is what she told you, isn't it?"

I winced as he mentioned Bella._ Does he know that I love her? _I stiffened at the thought. _He would hurt her just because I care for her._ "Don't say a word about her," I seethed.

"I believe you need a change of perspective, son," he went on, deadpan. "It's time for you to begin to look at them for what they are. _Slaves. _Beings that we are entitled to use for our convenience. _Humans. _Are they more than nice vessels that contain our nourishment?" He paused, as if he were trying to recall something. "Do you remember when we went hunting together?"

"I do," I retorted. "But I went hunting with my _father, _not with _you_."

He didn't even acknowledge my insult. "Was I supposed to give any choice to the game we used to hunt?" he inquired. "To put it in your words, you killed many deer 'without a trial', but nobody complained about it." His lips curled in a smile. I recognized his wicked grimace. It was the grin of a hunter who had just discovered that his trap worked and had caught prey. He was ready to administer his final blow. "You accused me and said that I don't care about my country anymore, didn't you, son? But isn't your human a Christian? Wasn't her family going against our rules?"

"How so?" I yelled. "They didn't do anything wrong. You had no reason to kill them!"

"Didn't I?" he mocked. "Did you forget that the Emperor rescinded the legal rights of Christians and demanded that they comply with traditional religious practices? Who is going against Roman rules now?"

"So the Emperor..." I didn't speak further. A shiver ran down my back, and I felt my knees weaken as I recalled the years I had spent with the army, all I had sacrificed for my country, the lives my fellow soldiers had given for the safety and the glory of our Empire. Did the Emperor know what Felix was? Did he know what Felix did?

"Where do you think the properties of the family of your human went?" Felix shook his head, as if he were talking with a witless child. "Let's say that we can provide mutual help to the Emperor. He gets money, and we get nourishment. We carefully remove any trace of our...transaction. Nobody complains."

The truth sliced through me like a sword. I had been ready to die for a country governed by someone who was aware of those monsters and did business with them. I was the son of a predator who didn't want to restrain his impulse to kill innocents– on the contrary, he was almost proud of it. I was the son of the monster who had slaughtered Alica and believed that she was just _food_ for him.

"I hate you!" I shouted. "I curse your paternity. How can you do this to your own son? And how can my mother suffer to be your wife?"

"Enough!" he yelled in turn.

I had never heard Felix shout before. It had always seemed that nothing could elicit a strong reaction from him. Could I use his lack of apparent control in any way? I wanted to fight him. As a man and a soldier, I was ready to lose my life fighting with him, but instead I needed to restrain myself and try to stay alive for Bella's sake. As long as I was alive, I could try to protect her further. She was the only light left for me. After what Felix had disclosed about our Emperor conniving with him and other monsters like him, even if I had regained my freedom back, I wouldn't have any ideals left to fight for. But Bella represented the future–the life I still wanted to live.

The horses pulled up. "We're arrived," Felix hissed.

On the top of the hill of Volterra, we got off the chariot and stepped toward a large building. It was higher than the others around it, as if all the houses in the city were servants looking at their master, waiting for his orders. A row of columns decorated the entrance. I feared that behind those walls Felix's friend was going to decide my destiny.

Felix led me inside the luxurious _domus_. The _atrium_ was twice as spacious as the one in my family's house in Rome. There wasn't any guard, but as we walked along the corridor, I saw a young man leaning against a column with his arms folded in front of him. He would have resembled a fine statue–and was as still as one–apart from his crimson eyes. He looked at me with contempt, as if a filthy insect were marring the perfection of the shiny marble floor it was crawling upon. Felix and he greeted each other with a nod, then we were introduced in a lavish hall.

I had neither time nor desire to admire the fresco wall paintings that covered almost all surfaces. Three men fixed their eyes on us. One of them stood in front of the others.

"Aro," Felix greeted him, with an unusually deferential demeanor. I was surprised to notice that even he, with all his arrogance, was accountable to somebody else. "Caius, Marcus." He nodded at the others.

The young man who had entered the hall with us bowed in front of Aro and greeted Caius and Marcus, before taking his leave. _Hierarchy. It seems to be a constant among men, even when they aren't human_.

"Welcome back," Aro said to Felix, "I'm glad you brought your son."

At first sight, he didn't appear to be a supernatural being. His attitude was certainly self-assured, but it was nothing that other patricians didn't show. Unlike Felix, he was slim and quite tall, but his frame didn't indicate any abnormal traits. Over his white tunic he wore a sumptuous toga with a crimson border. The senators I had met in Rome often looked stiff when they moved wearing their toga: the garment was heavy and uncomfortable, especially for senators who weren't young anymore. Aro, instead, breezed toward us with a fast pace. When he came closer, his pale complexion and burgundy eyes confirmed my suspicions about his nature.

He gave me a studied smile that didn't reach his eyes. It was as if he could transfix me only by looking at my face. "You appear to be a very brave man, my young friend!" he greeted me. "I can hear that your heartbeat is steady and your breath isn't troubled, although you are the only human here."

I didn't say anything but looked at him, studying his movements. My tension was high, but I didn't want to show it to him as far as it was possible.

"So silent?" he continued. "You are very much like your father in this. But it doesn't matter. I'm more interested in facts than in words. Sometimes words can be nothing but lies. There are more reliable ways to get to know you better. May I?" Before I could answer, he took my hand.

I felt a tremor in my arm. It wasn't because of his cold touch or strong grip, because I was already used to them, having touched Felix before. It was as if my blood was rushing away from my head and body and, through my fingers, was flooding toward the monster in front of me.

But I was still alive, and my body wasn't hurting. It was just a feeling–a very unpleasant one. It seemed as if this inhuman creature could suck down my core just with his touch.

The monster appeared to be in deep concentration. After a short while, as suddenly as he had taken it, he released my hand. Smiling widely, he looked at Felix. "Very, very nice! What an interesting mind to be found in such a young man! I was afraid that your high opinion of him sprang only from fatherly affection, Felix. Instead, you have a truly intelligent and brave son. _Kalokagathos!_"

I was confused. What had he discovered simply touching my hand? Had he tried to compliment me, telling that I was _kalokagathos_–handsome and valiant–like the traditional Greek heroes? Why had Felix talked to him about me, as it seemed?

Aro looked at me again. "I'm very glad to welcome you today." I would have loved to erase that false smile from his face for good. "You are going to become a valued addition to our group." He motioned to the others around him, who were silently following our conversation.

I glanced at Felix and the expression of pride that I read on his face hurt me more than his hate and lies. How could he possibly be proud of me in that situation? Did he actually believe that telling me that I was going to become a monster could be considered a compliment?

"Thank you, Aro," Felix said to his leader.

Aro grew more cheerful. "There's no need to delay what we must do, now that our young friend is here," he said. "Antonius already knows about our nature, and the sooner he becomes one of us, the better."

"Wait!" I interrupted. I didn't think that those monsters could be easily surprised, but they seemed startled when my voice resonated in the room. I felt my body stiffen as Felix glared at me, but it wasn't enough to stop me. "I don't want to become like you."

Aro chuckled. "I know. You think that you'd prefer dying than joining us, but I'm sure that you'll change your mind. You will forget your beloved girl, and rest assured that you won't lack for female company."

I glared at Felix. Who, if not he, could have known about me and Bella and told Aro? Why did he talk so much about my feelings, as it seemed?

"Don't blame him." Aro's voice was almost an answer to my thoughts. "He didn't tell me anything about your Bella or your opinion about us. I have other means to know the people I speak with."

Astonished, I looked back and forth from Aro to Felix; neither of them seemed surprised in the slightest by what was happening.

"Aro can read minds," Felix explained. "When he took your hand, he read all your thoughts. Now he knows every single thing that went through your mind in your whole life."

I felt naked and, once again, betrayed by Felix. He knew all along what Aro was going to do to me, but he had allowed it. He was aware that I didn't want to become like him, but he had pursued his objective. I was trapped. Unless...

"What if I _want_ to be killed?" I proposed to Aro. "I'm offering you my blood. Would you refuse my gift?"

Aro raised an eyebrow. "Indeed, you are brave." He gave out a small laugh. "You are tempting, I must admit it. But would you really deprive your father of the only family he has left?"

"_Father_?" I scoffed. "Do you think that Felix has earned the right to be called _father_? He took everything from me and he's going to rob me even of death. I'm afraid that he will do the same to my mother, too!"

Felix distanced himself as soon as I mentioned my mother. "This is not going to happen," he muttered.

"What have you done to her?" I demanded. "Is she being held prisoner somewhere, just like me? Do you think that you could force her to accept a monster like you? The man she loved has been dead for ten years! How could she bear to be with you of her own free will?"

_Would you really deprive your father of the only family he has left? _Aro's words came back to me. If Aro knew everything about everyone, as it seemed, why did he say that I was the only family left for Felix? I shuddered. I had to know the truth. "Felix!" I yelled. "What have you done to your wife?"

When Felix tilted up his head, I realized that every time I had seen him since he had become a monster, he had in some way been veiling his true nature. He shed his disguise. "What do you think happened?" he snarled. He seemed made of stone and his eyes were burning scarlet pools. A feral growl erupted from his throat.

I lunged at him.

Then everything went black.

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><p><strong>Only you can write your review. Thanks for reading!<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter Notes<strong>

_Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori_ is a line by the Roman poet Horace (_Odes _I, III, 2, 13). The poem exhorts Roman citizens to develop martial prowess such that the enemies of Rome will be too terrified to resist them. The line has been often quoted, sometimes satirically, by other poets in modern times.

**A/N**

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Don't miss their stories! Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	18. Shadows

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: The characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

This is the longest chapter, at least so far. Some of your questions are going to be answered.

My friend Camilla10 often says that, "they are vampires, not fluffy bunnies." Warning: violence ahead.

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><p><strong>Chapter 18 – Shadows<strong>

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><p>"<em>Damna tamen celeres reparant caelestia lunae:_

_nos ubi decidimus/ _

_quo pius Aeneas, quo Tullus diues et Ancus,/ _

_pulvis et umbra sumus._"

"Yet swift moons repair their heavenly losses:/ when we have gone down to where/

righteous Aeneas, rich Tullus, and Ancus are,/ we are dust and **shadow**."

(Horace, _Odes_, IV, 7, 13-16)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

_Thump...thump...thump..._

_Faster, faster, faster._

Their heartbeats were frantic in the darkness. They felt exposed, incapable of defending themselves. They looked around, confused, sensing that someone was close to them, but who or what was it? They couldn't detect any other breath, because I was holding mine. They talked, cried, and screamed, but didn't get any answer. I was too shattered to talk.

_Aro_. The last thing I remembered was Aro's snarl. Then everything had been set on fire. At first, it had been like standing too close to a fireplace. Like a snake, the fire had begun to bite me. Suddenly, through thousands of bites, the pain had gone under my skin. My muscles had been useless against it. I was burning! I recalled the men I had killed in the war. I had seen them kneeling in front of me after the last blow; I had seen their eyes becoming glossy as they exhaled their last breath. I expected that it would happen to me, too. But it didn't. I continue to drown in that nightmare, and I couldn't wake up.

_Drowning. _That was what I was feeling. I tried to take a breath, fighting for a mouthful of air like a desert would have welcomed the rain, to no avail. My heart was pounding in my chest, as if my flesh was going to tear apart and spit it out. There was a final, agonizing burst of fire, and my heartbeat stopped abruptly.

When I opened my eyes, I found myself in a cave.

_I must escape. _I hadn't even finished thinking about the direction I would take– I had already moved forward, as if I could move at the speed of my mind. _What has happened to me?_

_Thirst_. My throat was burning. The only thing I could focus on was that I had to drink. I looked around me. There wasn't any light in the cave, but I could see almost as clearly as if I were in the daylight! A long, narrow alley of stone stretched in front of me. I could sense the humidity that made its walls wet and moldy. There were two shadows down the cave. Two men, tied and shaking, were not far from me. A heavy chain, secured to a ring on the wall, prevented them from running away. They were close to each other, curled up against the wall. One of them kept wiping his nose – I couldn't say if it was because he had cried or because he had a cold.

Then, the voices. I thought that invisible ghosts were talking to me until I found their source: the voices came from the two men. From their minds and heart! As I approached, they began to beg. They were thinking that they were facing a supernatural creature–a god, perhaps–and were pleading with him to spare their lives, asking for mercy and desperately hoping to see their families again, or just a ray of light. I looked around. There was no one but me in front of them.

I was the abnormal creature they were afraid of. I wondered if they could understand me and if we could escape together from the cave, but as soon as I reached them, the men struggled with their chains, trying to distance themselves from me. One of them gave me a punch. He screamed as he hit my shoulder, but to me his fist was like a fallen leaf that had glided over me. The other tried to bite me, but on instinct, I grasped him to keep him steady. His bones cracked in my fists as if they were made of thin branches of dead wood. I jumped back. The way he was contorting himself on the ground confirmed that I had actually broken his bones. The other one kept begging me, sobbing, but I was deaf to his cries. A pang of pain in my throat took my full attention; the pain had only increased as I had gone closer to the men. The first one couldn't move his leg anymore. It was at an odd angle, as in a badly-executed painting. I looked at my hands. The men's skin was so hot that, when I had touched them, it had been as if I had put my fingers too close to a fire. But my hands weren't burnt.

The voices continued to hammer in my head, a blur of sounds and images. I had to stop them. I tried to yell, but it didn't work. A growl erupted from my chest instead, making my body tremble. The tremor and the thirst made me feel as if I had a fever. I didn't want to burn anymore–I couldn't go back to the flames that had changed me into a monster.

The man with the fractured leg started to crawl on the ground. He scratched at the soil, trying to move faster. I stared at his nails digging in the dirt; I saw them splintering and his skin cracking open. The pungent smell of the blood from his wounded fingers lashed at me like a whip. My mouth watered and the growl in my chest became a roar.

I launched myself at him and gripped him tightly. His body's warmth and softness reminded me of the fragrance of a loaf of bread; I welcomed them, indifferent to the man's screams. I inhaled deeply and sank my teeth in his flesh.

_The voices have stopped! _I bit again, more deeply, and a sweet nectar began to flood my mouth. I sucked as fast as I could and swallowed the first mouthful. _The thirst...I don't feel the thirst anymore! _Again and again, I sucked and swallowed, until there was no more to be had. I lapped at the last drops and licked my lips. My throat started to tickle again. The burning was coming back. _No...the thirst! The fire! _I had to keep the flames away. Like a whisper, a voice returned inside my head. I didn't want to hear it! I had to keep that voice away, too. I inhaled again and detected the same delicious smell. Before I realized what was happening, another corpse was on the ground. I had drained two men.

I knelt on the ground, panting. The words I had heard in the army resounded in my head: _your strength doesn't mean anything if you can't manage it. Strategy is what distinguishes a soldier and a general from a beast. You must be prepared to wait for your enemy and to plan your attack before striking_. They were wrong. It wasn't true that uncontrolled strength didn't mean anything. On the contrary, it meant too much. It meant that I was enslaved by the unstoppable monster that had taken control of me and desired nothing but death.

I wanted to cry for the lives I had taken, but I couldn't. I didn't have tears anymore.

I curled in a ball as far as possible from the corpses. I hadn't wanted to kill them!

I had to leave this place, where I was obsessed by what I had done. I stood up and ran toward the exit of the cave. But I could not escape: two monsters were waiting for me. A wave of anger made me roar as I saw Aro and Felix, their faces so clear that I could detect every single detail of them. I could hear their voices, too. Not the ones I had heard in our encounters. Their _inner_ voices.

_He's ready...my son. Finally an immortal. What a strong newborn!_

_He would make a good guard._

_He drank. Is he satiated?_

As soon as I tried to run past them, Felix captured me, holding me in place.

I didn't answer him, but aimed directly at his throat, determined to rip it open. He had killed my mother and damned me to this condition.

He deserved to die.

Four other hands held my arms and blocked me from behind.

"You need to calm down," Aro observed, emotionless. I looked around to see who the two guards were who had stopped me. How had they arrived so unexpectedly?

"What have you done to me!" I screamed. "I hate you! I want to die!"

"Why would you want to die, when you can have everything you've dreamed of?" Aro offered in an ingratiating way. "You wanted to be a soldier, didn't you? I'm offering you the opportunity to become a guard in an immortal army. You could become a powerful hero."

_It's a great offer. He doesn't have any reason to refuse it. _It was Felix's voice.

"I have an excellent reason!" I yelled to him. "I don't want to be a monster! I don't want to be like you!"

"How did you do that?" Felix demanded.

Aro looked at him, puzzled. "What is it, Felix?"

"He talked as..." he trailed off in disbelief.

"...as if I could hear your mind," I continued.

_Is he gifted? _Aro wondered. _A mind reader? Without touching? That would be wonderful!_

"How could you call it a gift? You put a curse on me!" I spat.

Aro clapped his hands, as if he had just got a very pleasant surprise. "So it's true! You can read minds!" He turned toward Felix. "He didn't touch us, but he can hear our thoughts," he explained. "He will be a powerful weapon!"

Felix gaped at me. His thoughts told me that he hoped I would join the guard, but that he didn't want to annoy Aro and say he didn't believe I could read his mind. "Aro is offering you a great honor," he told me. "You will be among the most powerful and respected members of our kind. You'd enjoy every imaginable pleasure, and your services will be rewarded with incomparable generosity. The banquets and the fair women you will meet here can make even the luxury of an Emperor pale in comparison. But becoming a guard should be your free choice. Once you have decided to join us, it will be forever."

"Never!" I shouted, trying to free myself. The two guards were struggling to restrain me, but together they were still stronger than I was.

"You'll be given some time to think about your decision," Aro cut in. "Once you're strong enough to control your instincts, you will be free to join the other guards or to leave."

"But Aro," Felix objected. "He must stay! How can he refuse such an offer?"

Aro glared at him. "I don't want prisoners among my warriors. It will be his choice," he remarked. "He must stay down in the cave," he ordered the two guards.

I didn't want to go back in there. If Aro was really going to set me free, I could manage to...to what? I couldn't go back to Bella. What if I couldn't stop myself from killing her? Could I find a way to keep her safe? It was all I could hope for; then I would kill myself. It was the only way to ensure that I wouldn't kill other men.

"You said you don't want prisoners," I reminded Aro. "So why are you keeping me in the cave?"

"You are still volatile and you need to drink," he explained.

_Drink? Does it mean that..._"No! No!" I cried. "I don't want any more men. Don't bring me other men! I don't want to kill them!"

As a soldier, I had killed. But I had never done it for myself. I had been deluded that I was doing it for a greater good: for the Empire, for the people of my country who couldn't defend themselves. I had killed, believing that it was the only way to ensure the freedom of us Romans. The monster in me sprang to the surface again. The more I killed, the more the monster would take my freedom, making me act only to satiate his thirst.

Felix moved as if to intervene, but Aro stopped him. "Fine. A human will be brought to you tomorrow morning. If you can manage to restrain yourself for two days and two nights, you will be free," he declared.

_How is it possible? Does he want to let a newborn leave unguarded? _Felix thought, but he didn't dare contradict his leader.

It couldn't be so easy. A snake like Aro wasn't going to release me without putting up a fight. But it was my only opportunity. "Deal."

The next morning, a new victim was brought to the cave. I detected his heartbeat and scent even before I could see more than a shadow in the distance.

For a while, I was strong enough to restrain myself. I didn't talk to the man. To talk, I needed to breathe; but whenever I breathed, the appealing aroma that made my throat burn became irresistible. So I resolved to stay in a corner, as far as possible from him. Holding my breath became uncomfortable after a while, but it seemed that I could go on forever. How many hours went by? How many days, months, centuries? I couldn't believe that the arranged time wasn't over yet! The torture was unbearable.

The man fell asleep, exhausted, after many long hours. I envied him. He could escape from this nightmare, at least for the time of a short, troubled slumber.

But when he woke up and found that he was still imprisoned, he became too agitated; the scent of his fear was overwhelming.

One by one, he called the name of the gods. "Help me!" he pleaded. He enumerated what he would offer to the gods if they saved him. Who was he praying to? Was he aware that the creatures who had imprisoned him considered themselves gods as well?

He struggled to free himself from the chain on his ankle. I feared that if he broke the skin, the scent of his blood would become irresistible.

"Stay calm," I instructed. "You'll be freed soon if you obey."

He jumped as he heard my voice. "I beg you, help me!" he rushed to tell me. "Are you a prisoner as well?"

I didn't speak further. The less I inhaled the scent of his blood, the better.

"Please," he began to cry. "You can understand me, can't you? I'll give you everything I have, just help me!" He tried to come closer to me; in his mind, I saw that he was going to embrace my knees, begging me in the name of whatever was considered sacred.

"Stay back," I hissed, clamping my mouth shut.

He didn't listen to me. "Don't deny me!" He sobbed.

As I opened my mouth, the short breath I took to talk to him again rekindled my thirst to the point that everything else became meaningless.

I failed.

"Forgive me," I mumbled.

The monster I was broke him as easily as if he was a clay puppet, then drained him in a matter of seconds.

As I distanced myself from my victim and closed my eyes, it was as if I weren't in the cave anymore. I felt satiated and refreshed, as if I had slept for an entire night. A wave of warmth ran through my body, like I had been spread with an aromatic oil after a long bath. I licked my lips – every pain in my throat had subsided. But then, a light tickle came back in my mouth. I swallowed, but it didn't go away. I opened my eyes to see the corpse on the ground staring at me accusingly. I closed the man's eyelids, but the terrified expression of his eyes didn't leave my thoughts.

I hated Felix even more; not only had he deprived me of my freedom when I still had a life, but he had taken my life completely by changing me into a monster like he was. I was damned to be immortal.

The bloodsucking monsters I hated so much weren't around me anymore. The monster was _inside_ me, now. _I _was this horrible creature. How could I ever resign myself to it?

Maybe the gods really did exist. Was my new nature a punishment because I didn't believe in them anymore?

I was damned to witness ceaselessly how my fears had come to pass. Every trait of my new nature was instrumental in making my punishment worse: I couldn't sleep so I had time to recall all that I had become, all that I had done.

I had the sharpest sight that I could have ever imagined, even in the darkness, so I could see every single detail of the desperation I brought of my victims.

I could hear the thoughts of the men I killed and drained, so I could sense–in their full force–all the sorrow, fear, and pain I was creating.

My body had become a prison I couldn't escape.

I stared at my hands. They had touched Bella, caressed her, explored her body in the most intimate ways. These same hands belonged to a filthy bloodsucker.

_Bella_. It was as if my mind was divided into many rooms. I could think about Bella every moment of the day and the night, but I was simultaneously focused on the insatiable thirst, my next innocent victim, and my increasing hatred for the enemy who had damned me to this existence.

Another man was brought to me. I hoped that the deal with Aro was still on the table, and if I could spare the life of a poor victim, I would get my freedom back.

I even started to pray to Bella's god. I didn't have anything to trade for Bella's safety and I didn't know if, as it was for my people's gods, hers also required an offering to grant his believer's wishes. I had nothing to say to the gods of my people, but Bella had assured me that her god was willing to listen to me. Even if he was a god that I didn't know, how could he not want to protect such a good soul as Bella?

So I started to promise him that I was going to restrain myself. I wished that, if I could avoid killing a human being just to satisfy my instincts, Bella's god would save her. How long would I last without drinking blood? I would starve myself if it meant that Bella would be out of danger.

But my promise to Bella's god enhanced the pain I felt every time I took another life. I was afraid that, by satisfying my bloodlust, I was putting at stake my chance to bargain for Bella's safety.

What if she were already dead?

The thought gave me the sharpest sorrow. I had to believe that there was still a possibility to save her. I had to cling to my only hope.

I struggled and fought against the thirst, against the instinct, against the fear that it could be too late to save Bella and I would only kill myself for nothing.

In the end, I succeeded.

Two days later Felix and Aro came back to the cave with the same guards. The man that I had managed to spare was on the ground; he had fainted but was still alive. As simply as one would pick a grape, Aro grabbed him and broke his neck. I averted my eyes, disgusted, while one of the guards drank from him. I knew they would not spare him even if I managed to do so, but it still pained me that my effort came to nothing. Would Aro honor his promise, or would all my self-restraint be in vain?

They led me back to Aro's _domus_. Apparently, the cave where I had been held prisoner was in the forest surrounding Volterra. I recognized the road I had traveled with Felix when we had arrived on the final leg of our journey. I remembered the sumptuous hall in Aro's house: I had spent the final moments of my life there.

"Very well, my friend," Aro began. "I must admit that such a strong control in a newborn is absolutely amazing. It would be another good reason to keep you in our army. Have you reconsidered your answer, perhaps?"

"Am I free, now?" I spat. It was my only concern.

"Of course you are."

"So I'm done here."

"As you wish, my friend," Aro agreed.

I could leave finally, but Felix and Aro were still talking. Their thoughts were changing so fast, as well as their words, that I couldn't understand them immediately. But I stopped in my tracks when, among all the words and images that crossed their minds, I saw Bella.

Aro grimaced smugly when he saw that I headed back toward him.

"What happened to her?" I demanded. I searched his mind, but there weren't any more thoughts about Bella.

"I don't want to come between father and son, so I prefer that you solve this problem on your own," he told us.

An image of Bella flickered in Felix's mind.

"Where is she?" I hissed.

He smiled at me. "She's closer than you think. I gather she's going to meet Aro very soon for a banquet."

I felt my knees weaken. "No..." I murmured. I wasn't above begging, if it ensured Bella's safety. "Please, no. I'll do whatever you want, but please, not her."

"Why? Do you want to drink her yourself?" he taunted.

I growled at him. "I'm not like you."

He pretended to be incredulous. "Aren't you?" he mocked. "Do you think that you are better than anyone else just because you managed to stop yourself for a few days, after you were glutted with all the men you had just drained?"

"You didn't fight your instincts," I growled. "Not even for your wife's sake!"

He clenched his jaw. I had noticed in the past that Felix avoided talking about my mother, and I had supposed that she was held prisoner in another house, like I had been imprisoned in the villa. Not even in my worst suspicions would I have imagined that she had been killed by the man she loved.

In Felix's mind, I caught a deep regret. He was ashamed. With me, he insisted that everything had depended on his nature and that a vampire shouldn't fight against his strongest instincts, but in his mind he didn't forgive himself. _I didn't want to hurt her. I wanted her to become like me..._he recalled. _I failed..._

I froze, listening to Felix's thoughts. Had he desired to make his wife like him to keep her forever? Had he killed her only by mistake? When he was still human, Felix had always counted on his physical strength and on his willpower. But with my mother, his most cherished resources had failed him. He had been sure that he could get whatever he wanted, but hadn't been able to keep safe the only woman he cared for.

_I didn't make the same mistake again. Aro didn't kill you_, he thought. Was he addressing me through his mind? Was he asking to be forgiven since he had lost his control and drained my mother while he was trying to change her?

"Let's see if you can manage to stop yourself when you are with your beloved human. Get her," he instructed. "Stay alone with her–and not for a mere two days, either. I'm sure that you will kill her, and finally you will understand our nature." He paused and took a deep breath, as if he were recollecting his control. "You will understand that you would have done the same with _your_ wife!"

"Don't delude yourself," I spat.

"You can have every woman you ever desire at your feet." He changed his tone, trying to tempt me. "You might have power, strength, wealth and whatever we had dreamed of. Accept your new nature, and you will forget her in no time. What does she mean to you?"

"How could you ever understand that I love her?" I snarled.

Again, he was hurt. He remembered my mother. I didn't believe that he still loved her after his change. Otherwise, he would have protected her from his own bloodlust. He narrowed his eyes at me. "Would you really do anything to save your human?"

"Of course I would!"

"Well. I'm not going to be the one who will take her life. On the contrary, I'll be very generous to you. You will stay alone with your beloved girl until the next Kalends. She will be fed, don't worry, but you won't be given any human to feed from," he stated.

_Ten days? _Aro thought, chuckling. _There's no way he is going to resist so long. He's a newborn; his bloodlust will be maddening. _

I squared up, ready to do anything for Bella. I wouldn't fail. "What do you grant me in exchange?" I had to ascertain that Bella wasn't going to be hunted by any of these monsters anymore.

"If you succeed in restraining yourself again," Aro chimed in, "there will be an offer for you."

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Only you can write your review.<strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter Notes<strong>

In the Roman calendar, the Kalends were the first day of the month. It is thought to have originally been the day of the new moon.

About Antonius' ideas on religion: it wasn't unusual, for ancient Romans, to pray the gods of other people, in order to draw them over. The relationship among gods and men was, for the Romans, essentially a _do ut des_ ("I give so that you might give") one: people should give their offers and sacrifices to the gods, so that the gods would help them in return.

**A/N**

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Don't miss their stories! Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**

_De Immortalitate _has been featured on the **Fictionators**! **http : / / www. fictionators. com/ rec/ de-immortalitate-by-raum/**


	19. Prey

**RAUM**

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: The characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 19 – Prey<strong>

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><p>"<em>Forma lepida et liberali captivam adulescentulam de praeda mercatust.<em>"

"He has purchased as a **prey** a young female captive of charming and genteel figure."

(Plautus, _Edipicus_, I, 1)

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

_When we last saw Bella (Chapter 16)..._

"_Bella," a man called me, standing in the doorway. He wasn't Antonius nor Sextius, and I didn't know his name, but he was a servant I had already seen at the house. "The master wants to see you immediately. Follow me," he urged._

_-x-x-x-x-x-  
><em>

The servant led me outside. "Hurry up," he insisted.

Had Antonius found a way to defend us against Felix? Or was he in danger? Whatever had happened, the thought that I was going to meet him made me run as fast as I could.

But the master who had required me wasn't Antonius. Outside the villa, with an unknown man by his side, Felix was waiting for us. I felt my knees weaken when I saw him. His huge frame, the tension I could see in his muscles, and the menacing expression on his face had frightened me when I had met him for the first time, even before I knew _what _he was. On instinct, I spun toward the house, but the servant who had led me outside moved behind me. Even if I tried to run away, he would block me in no time.

"Take her to Volterra," Felix told the man beside him.

Antonius' words came back to me: _Felix thinks that I need to be detached. In order to teach me this lesson, he takes the people who are most important to me. _Did Felix know that I loved Antonius–that he loved me too? My chest clenched, considering the pain Antonius would suffer when he discovered that his father had taken me.

"No," I croaked, trying to follow Felix as he moved toward the atrium. "Please, wait!" I would beg him, if it meant sparing Antonius another sorrow. I didn't manage to take but a couple of steps, though.

The unknown man who had been waiting outside tugged at my arm and made me climb into a chariot. Without even glancing at me, with long strides Felix disappeared from my sight, hidden by the columns of the entrance.

A new, long journey began. On my first trip, when I had been taken by Felix and his men, I was leaving behind my memories: I had just lost my parents, our friends, and other loved ones. I was afraid I would be hurt, raped, and tortured. But on this second journey, away from Antonius' villa, I was leaving behind the hope that the future could bring something good; I was also terrified by the thought that Antonius or Esma could be in danger.

For days, we traveled almost without rest. The man who drove the chariot avoided speaking to me. It seemed his only concern was to reach his destination as soon as possible. When I told him that I was cold and pleaded for a blanket or a cloak, the only answer I got was a slap in the face and the order to shut up.

I drifted between sleeping and waking, lulled by the movements of the chariot.

When the man stopped to rest, he tied my hands and feet, so I couldn't even try to escape. Finally, one night I was told to get down from the chariot. We had arrived.

I looked around, doubting that I had gotten his words right. We were surrounded by an unbroken forest, where a narrow path was the only sign of human presence. I stayed closed to the chariot, squinting to see where the path led, but the man roughly took my hand and began to walk through the woods. I stumbled over a rock and some shrubs scratched my ankles, but I managed to avoid falling. I stiffened when I saw that the man was going toward a hole in the ground.

He didn't slow his pace, and he tugged harder at my arm until we entered a cave. It looked like a labyrinth and reminded me of the catacombs where my parents had taken me on occasion. Those buried rooms had always scared me, even when my father explained that they were places to honor other Christians and showed me some religious symbols engraved on the tombs. The corridors were narrow and dark; oil lamps provided the only light, casting haunting shadows on the walls. I caught other voices, but couldn't see other people. The man closed me in a room and left, taking with him the only lamp so I was left in complete darkness.

I curled up in a corner, and touched the walls, trying to figure out how large the prison was and if there were any other exit. The stone walls were wet, and something sticky covered them on their lower part–I cringed, realizing that it was mold. The entrance was closed by a wooden door. I tugged at the handle, but it was locked. "Please," I pleaded, "somebody help me!"

Silence.

I tried again, and a muffled sound reached me. Had someone heard my voice? Punching on the door, I kept screaming until my throat felt sore, but got no answer. Resigned, I sat on the ground. I licked my lips and swallowed; I hadn't eaten or drunk anything for hours, and my lips felt dry and cracked. A gust of wind entered the prison, coming from above. Leaning against the wall, once again I went around the prison, but couldn't find another door, nor a window I could reach. The wind was increasing, and so was the cold. I curled up in a corner and tried to sleep.

The next morning, I found that the place where I was held resembled a large cave. A hole in the ceiling–a long fissure, similar in shape to a giant snake looming over me–provided light and air. The voices I had heard in the corridor might have come from other cells like mine, but from my prison I couldn't hear them anymore. Were there other people like me? How many? What would happen to us?

The same man with whom I had traveled returned. From then on, he brought me some food and water once a day. He showed me a lavatory that I could use when he took me there–its stench was nauseating. He didn't talk with me, and I knew better than ask him anything. The bruise on my cheek–a visible memory of my previous attempt to get an answer from him–still hurt.

I stared at the crack in the wall as the last ray of light vanished. The short winter days allowed me just a few hours of scant, gray, light; it was the only way I had of telling how long I had been there. A few days went by, but nothing changed.

My guard–I still didn't know his name–opened the door, and he walked me along the corridor on our way to the lavatory. For the first time since I had arrived, I saw another door opening. A different guard was leading away a boy.

The man who was guarding me gave them a look. "Who has requested him?" he asked.

"Master Aro told me to prepare his dinner. He says he's in the mood for something young," the other man murmured.

I tried to look at the boy. His eyes were fixed to the ground; he was dirty and unsure on his feet. How long had they kept him in his prison?

_Something young..._the words continued to echo in my mind. I was going to faint. _It can't be...it can't be! _I told myself that the boy was going to serve a banquet, and tried to deny what I was already imaging. But the thought that I had just met someone who was about to be slaughtered wouldn't leave my mind.

Every night I had offered my pain to God, begging Him to give me the strength to endure it. But when I prayed for the boy I had seen in the corridor, my sobs kept my prayers incoherent and I fell asleep crying.

A noise in the night awakened me; voices and footsteps resonated in the corridor. From their sound, I surmised that a group of people was approaching. I could hear their voices, but not what they were saying. They stopped in front of the door of my prison. Was it a good sign? Was someone coming to rescue me? Or was I about to face something even _worse_? I curled up in a corner, as far as possible from the entrance.

The door opened, and for a brief moment the light from the lamp of the corridor filtered into the cave. I noticed that a tall man had just entered the cell, but before I could see him properly, the door was closed and darkness overtook us. He didn't speak; he didn't come toward me. I blinked, but I couldn't see more than a shadow. I couldn't even hear him breathing.

"Who are you?" I whispered.

He didn't answer, but I heard him taking a ragged breath.

I tried again. "Are you going to hurt me?"

He made a strange sound, as if he were pushing himself against the wall.

I trembled. Memories of Iacomus and the stable in Antonius' villa flooded through my mind. Tears began to stream down my face.

The man made a shushing sound and finally spoke. "Don't cry, Bella," he whispered to me, slowly, as if every utterance were costing him inhuman pain.

His words made everything crumble: it was _his _voice! It was deeper, more resonant than I remembered it, but I had no doubts. Antonius! Was he a prisoner as well? Would he rescue me? It didn't matter: I stood up to run toward him.

But he stopped me, his voice harsh. "Don't move, Bella, stay close to the wall!"

_Why? What has changed in him? _

"Antonius...it's you!"

He gave a strange sound, like a strangled sob. When he spoke again, it was as if every word was torture. "I can't come close to you. Be very still and stay calm," he muttered.

"Did they take you as well?" I asked. "Are you wounded? What happened at the house?"

"Bella, listen to me," he murmured. "I'll try to explain whatever I can, but not now. If you want to talk, I'll listen as long as you like, but I can't speak much."

My legs trembled, as if they could no longer hold me up. For days, since I had been imprisoned there, I had envisioned Antonius coming to rescue me. It had been my only hope, the only thought that had given me enough strength to take care of myself as well as I could in that place, knowing that I had to survive. I had to be brave for him–for us. But never, not even in my worst nightmares, had Antonius arrived in the prison and then just rejected me. Still standing against the wall, I couldn't believe that he was so near to me but wanted to stay so far away. Being in his arms again, losing myself in his warm embrace would have meant everything to me; but he was denying me. I felt new tears on my cheeks, but I rapidly wiped them off and managed to avoid weeping loudly.

"Don't cry, my beloved. Sit down and try to rest," he articulated slowly.

_Beloved? _Had I heard him right? Did it mean that he still cared for me?

The silence enveloped us again. Antonius had told me that I could talk to him, but I had so many things to tell and ask that I couldn't decide where to start. Was he keeping me far from him of his own will, or did he have to pretend that I didn't matter to him, as he had when he sent me to the farm?

A soft sound broke the silence: it was raining. The cold wouldn't be easy to endure. Shivering, I rubbed my hands over my shoulders.

"Don't move." Antonius' voice came as a surprise. I didn't know how long it had been since the last time we had spoken. "I'll give you my cloak. Just don't move," he said.

"But you'll be cold!"

"Don't worry," he said in a rush. A moment later, I felt that he had left something just in front of me. It was his cloak. I hesitated; he had said that I had to stay still, and I didn't want to go against his wishes. Another whisper helped me make a decision: "Take it."

I draped the cloak around me. It was odd: the garment was as cold as if Antonius had left it outside for the entire night. I inhaled; it smelled amazing, but the delicious scent didn't smell like _him. _Regardless, just the thought that it had been wrapped around him made me feel as if Antonius were embracing me.

"Thank you," I murmured.

I looked up toward our only source of air and light. Not even a ray of moonlight could filter through the black, rainy night.

_My soul waits for the Lord more than sentinels wait for the dawn_, said the Psalm.

Indeed I was waiting for the dawn. On the new day, I would see again the man to whom I belonged. I was confident that, face to face, talking to each other would be easier. Once again, in my prayers in front of God, I chose Antonius, for better or worse.

The night wore on for what felt like an eternity, until I fell in a fretful slumber. My first thought upon waking up was that Antonius was with me. I blinked and squeezed my eyes to see him. The milky light, filtering from the fissure, signaled that dawn was arriving; I could discern his features better.

I froze.

I shook my head forcefully. _Wake up! _I told myself. _It's a nightmare! Wake up!_

"Bella..." The anguished whisper came from him. It wasn't a nightmare.

"_No_," I shrieked. "_No!_" A scream bubbled in my throat, then broke out in full force. "What happened to you? What have they done to you?" I couldn't bear to look at Antonius and believe what I was seeing.

I trembled, I sobbed, I pulled my hair. Antonius didn't say anything and let me calm down. When I stopped crying, I heard again the muffled sobs that he had emitted the previous night. Slowly, I turned myself to face him.

In front of me, the light revealed a monster. _I have never thought that you are a monster, _I had told him at his home, when we had talked about what Felix had done to my family. But now...

Gone were Antonius' piercing green eyes. Two red flames were staring at me.

Gone was his body, the body of the first man who had loved me. The white marble statue in front of me had taken Antonius' features.

He bowed his head and slipped down until he was on the ground, with his forehead leaning against his knees. Was there a chance to reach the man I loved? We weren't separated just by a few feet of clay. The gap that Antonius' change had created between us was insurmountable. Was he still hidden somewhere, behind the haunting creature in front of me? I kept my eyes shut, fearing that at any moment...I couldn't resolve to admit what I was afraid of. What had Felix done to us? Antonius–my shelter, the man who had made me feel safe and loved in his arms–had become a danger to me. I glanced at him. Sitting on the ground, still, slumped–I had never seen him so distraught. How could I possibly imagine what was he going through? In the days since I had been taken away from the villa, I had had at least the hope that he would come and rescue me. He hadn't had even that. I recalled the fear I had seen in his eyes when he had told me what Felix was brewing for him. That time, I had been at his side. I had promised that I would always choose him. Instead he had just been rejected by me.

"I'm sorry," I murmured. "Can I come closer?" I was surprised at how hoarse my voice sounded.

"No." His tone was hard.

I sat in silence, watching him while his fingers dug into the ground as if it were made of sand. How could he do that?

"Bella?" he called, his voice strained. "Did they harm you?" He still didn't look at me, but the fury was plain on his face.

"No," I croaked. My voice was still rough.

"Talk to me, please."

I tried to clear my throat. "What can I say?"

"Whatever you want, until I calm down," he clarified. I watched him swallowing. "Tell me a story that you used to know when you were a child–talk to me in your native language," he suggested.

I looked around me, thinking about what could I tell him. The ancient myths that I had studied at home were all scary. I noticed a little spider crawling on the wall, and inspiration struck.

I began: "Arachne was a girl who liked weaving very much." A sob stopped the words in my throat.

Antonius motioned for me to go on.

"But she became too proud of her talent," I continued. "She said that she could weave even better than Athena, and the goddess got angry and punished her. Arachne was transformed into a spider. This way, she continued to weave, again and again, but her work became fragile and lost its color."

Antonius was still squeezing his eyes closed, but the corner of his mouth twitched.

"I remember the tunic you made for me," he said quietly.

I smiled at the memory.

"I never had a chance to thank you for that," he recalled. "Esma gave it to me when..." He paused. He shook his head, as if he were trying to chase away a bad memory. "Tell me how you learned to weave," he instructed.

"My wet-nurse at home taught me to weave and embroider. When I think about the decorations I can put on a tunic or on a cloak, it's like drawing. I can dream that the things I embroider will tell a story."

He sighed and looked at me.

"Are you better?" I asked.

"Not really."

I waited, but he didn't speak again. Leaning his head back against the wall, he stared at the ceiling of the cave. His face was rigid.

"Can you talk to me now?" My voice came out in a whisper.

"I'll try. Felix decided to damn me to this condition, thinking that he was giving me a great honor." He grimaced. "I have killed, Bella," he hissed. As he stared at the hole on the ceiling, his eyes narrowed into slits.

I felt as if I couldn't breathe. I couldn't bear the thought that Antonius had done to other people what Felix had done to my family. Since he had Felix's same instincts, would he...would he kill _me_, too? I began to tremble as I considered the horrifying possibility. I could accept that death would come soon, but not that it would come from the man I loved, from the one who had made me feel protected and cared for...

A pained expression marred Antonius' features. "I didn't want to," he rasped. "I don't want to be like this!"

He _couldn't_ be like Felix! I had seen Felix just after he had slaughtered my parents: he seemed satisfied, not tortured as Antonius was. I tried to move toward him, but he stopped me.

"Felix is sure that I won't be able to control my...thirst," he said, as if every word was ripped from him.

It was enough to stop me.

"You don't want me to be close to you because you are afraid that you will kill me," I acknowledged.

I shuddered as his crimson eyes bored into me. "I won't," he stated. "I won't hurt you," he vowed. I couldn't tell if he were more eager to reassure me or himself.

I knew how much Antonius felt responsible for the people Felix had slaughtered. If he couldn't restrain himself, if he had harmed me in any way, I was sure that it would be his destruction. We had been ready to fight for each other, trying to escape from Felix. Instead I had become the instrument of Antonius' torture. I had to fight to save him, even if it meant that I had to save him from himself. Could I? Could my–our–love be great enough to withstand the change of his nature? His body had changed, but his actions so far told me that he still was _my_ Antonius.

"I was afraid of you when we met," I told him quietly. I recalled that first day in his villa and how frightened I was. "I have been afraid of you...many times," I admitted. "But you have never hurt me. You could have done whatever you wanted with me, disposing of me like the slave I am. But you didn't. You have fought for me. I still trust you, Antonius."

He looked at me and finally I recognized him. Like when we were at his home, he was fighting to keep me safe. _My_ Antonius wasn't lost. Together, could we face the future?

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><p><strong>Thanks for writing. Only you can write your review!<strong>

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><p>Bella quotes the Psalm 130, <em>De profundis<em>.

**A/N**

Romanward _gratias agit_ to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. They're outstanding! Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

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	20. Avenger

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: The characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 20 – Avenger<strong>

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><p>"<em>Tu quidem tantorum scelerum vindex...qui potes...ista...ita demisse ac facile pati?<em>"

"The **avenger** of such abominable crimes...how can you...endure these things with such abject humbleness?"

(Cicero, _Letters to Brutus_, I, 16)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

"I still trust you," Bella had told me. In her sleep, she had even murmured my name and said that she loved me. _Me? _Who was I deluding? Bella had loved me as a human, of that I was sure. But how could she love the monster I had become?

While I watched her sleep during the night, I wrestled with the chasm between what I wanted and what I knew was right. I wanted to kiss her and make love to her again. But I vowed that, as soon as I had gained freedom for us, I would never see her again. As long as we were prisoners in Volterra, I had to restrain myself and preserve her life. But afterward, keeping her safe would mean that I should never be a part of her life, even from afar.

"I swear to you that I'll make them pay," I told her in her sleep. It was my only solace. I was ready to lose my life–if I could call it so–to have my revenge on Felix. I had become as strong and fast as he was; revenge wasn't impossible anymore.

The rain lessened, but the air was still cold. Bella had shivered all night, even after I had given her my cloak. I couldn't shield her from the cold, nor from the despair and fear that our situation inspired. The dampness of the stone walls made the day feel even bleaker. I remembered another rainy day, the one when Bella had saved me in the atrium. One of the last days of my human life..."I love you," I whispered to her. No one could ever take it from me. No one could make me stop loving her.

Shortly after Bella had awakened, I heard footsteps in the corridor, but no heartbeat. Vampire.

"Stay behind me," I told Bella. "Someone is coming." _As if my presence weren't enough to endanger her life_.

I checked to make sure she was behind me before I turned back to the door. It was heavy and bolted with iron. A lean girl like Bella wouldn't be able to open it, even if it had been unlocked. I thought about the way the prison was organized until I understood Aro's plan. The heavy doors, the narrow holes, and the deep woods made escape very difficult, but not completely impossible for the strongest human prisoners. I recalled that the scent of the victims I had drained became more and more appealing when they were upset.

If someone had tried to leave the cell, the rush of the run, the accelerated heartbeat as he thought that he could make it, and the excitement of the slight hope would make his scent luscious. Stopping a fugitive could be a challenge to prove the expertise of the human guards; if they didn't catch him in time, chasing him provided the most amusing game for the vampires. I knew better than attempting to run away with Bella, breaking down the door or even tunneling through the rock. The monsters would become unstoppable in their frenzy.

The door cracked open and a female vampire arrived on the doorstep. I had not yet seen a female immortal, but I recalled Felix's words: "You can have every woman you ever desire at your feet." Was it another of his traps? Did he believe he could tempt me that way?

_They were right. He is handsome_, her inner voice told me. So the voices were back. I hadn't heard them since... since I had been left here. I glanced at Bella. Couldn't I read her mind? She was curled in a corner, with her forehead on her knees. I still remembered how she had felt in my arms–I ached from the longing to hold her. Even Bella's embraces had been stolen from me.

"_Ave_," the vampire purred. A mass of ebony curls framed her face. Through her eyelashes, she tried to look at me coyly. Her ruby gaze traveled over me, taking in my features.

I grimaced, baring my teeth at her. "What do you want?" I asked curtly.

She gave me a loaf of bread and a bowl of water. "For the _human_," she explained, with a note of contempt in her voice. _Or are you ready to drain her? _

"Go away," I hissed.

The vampire glanced at Bella, then smiled at me. _She smells good, but I've tasted better. We could share, you know._

"You don't get to touch her," I growled. "Go away."

Her eyes widened, but she didn't leave. _So it's true. He can read minds_, she thought._ But his gift isn't like Aro's. This one hasn't even touched me. _She toyed with a curl of her hair. "See you tomorrow," she whispered. _You might call upon me if you want better company or if you need to dispose of the corpse._

I seized her by the throat. She gasped and I heard Bella's heartbeat accelerate. Was she watching the scene? Another vampire stepped beside the viper. I recognized him as one of the guards who had held me after my change.

"If you hurt her, the human dies right now," he threatened.

I mastered my anger and let the viper go. Before the door was closed again, I took a deep breath. The less I inhaled Bella's scent, the better. When the vampires' thoughts moved too far to be detected, I turned toward Bella. She was still in the corner, looking at me with an expression of confusion on her face.

"May I ask you what happened?" Her voice sounded unsure.

"They brought some food and water for you. Be very still, I'll come closer." I gave her the bread and the bowl and then retreated as far as I could from her. Her eyes widened when she saw how fast I was–another way to frighten her. _Forgive me, my love. I beg you, forgive me for this, too._

"You talked to that guard as if she had said something to you–as if you were answering something different than her words." It seemed that she was struggling to find the right words. "I don't know if I'm making sense."

I nodded. Could I tell her about the voices? When we had been at the villa, sharing my burden with Bella was the comfort I most craved. But she didn't deserve to be frightened even more. I looked at her; obviously she was confused, her unanswered questions still lingering in her eyes. If I didn't tell her the truth, I would have had to lie. She didn't deserve that, either. "I can hear what people think. It's like having voices in my head," I admitted.

Bella seemed startled. "So do you already know what I'm going to say?"

I shook my head. "I can't hear your thoughts. I don't know why."

The voices of my victims came back to my mind; I needed to push them away. _Bella_. I had to focus on her. She was alive; it was the only thing that mattered.

"They–the guards–do they think that you'll kill me?" she murmured.

I couldn't answer. We had to change the subject.

I smelled Bella's food. A sack of rotten cabbage, dripping black juices and reduced to mush, wouldn't smell worse. "It's spoiled," I blurted.

"What?"

"The bread. It smells disgusting."

Bella sniffed it. "It's good. There's nothing wrong with it."

It was my turn to be confused. Caile had taught me that smell was a primitive survival skill, so that we could avoid poisoning ourselves with bad food. If it was regular food, why did it seem so bad to me? Was this the reason why I had never seen Felix eating or drinking after his return?

"Do you think you could try to eat it?" Bella offered.

Could I? "Throw me a piece of the bread." I put it in my mouth and recoiled. It was revolting. Regardless, I swallowed it. It didn't work; I felt that my body was rejecting the bread until I had to spit it out. I couldn't help but count how many days I had left to resist Bella. I recalled Aro's thoughts. "_Ten days? There's no way a newborn is going to resist so long. His bloodlust will be maddening_."

How was I going to succeed? I slammed my fist on the ground in exasperation.

Bella flinched. I saw her wiping her tears quickly. "I'm sorry," she rushed to apologize.

"Why?" I snapped. "Because I'm a monster? Is it your fault if I thirst for your blood? Is it your fault if the voices don't leave me in peace?" I turned toward the wall, clinging to it with my fingernails. Bella's sobs were tearing me apart.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

**Bella's POV**

_Antonius and I were in a lovely grove. The sun was shining over the trees and we could catch its rays among the leaves. We were playfully running. We were laughing and it felt good; laughing had become such a rare luxury for me in the last months, and I was so happy with him in the woods. I giggled when Antonius caught me. We weren't in his villa anymore and, finally, I wasn't afraid. We were free. _

I woke up in the darkness, on the cold ground of our cell. Our freedom was only a dream.

"Bella, can't you sleep?" Antonius' voice was warm and low.

I reached out my hand; had he come closer to me? He still seemed so far. "I can't see you," I told him quietly. "Can you see me?"

"I can," he admitted. "I can see clearly even in the darkness."

_Another difference between us_. "Were you sleeping?" I asked.

There was a long pause. "I don't sleep." He sighed. "Not anymore."

A pang of longing hit me. The man I loved was in the same room, but we didn't belong to the same kind anymore. I wanted to embrace him, but I couldn't. I wanted to soothe him, but I was afraid that everything I might say would hurt him even more.

"Are you cold?" he whispered.

I was cold, but I didn't want to make him worry. "With your cloak, I feel much better."

"Try to sleep again. It's still night."

"Would you like to talk?" I offered. "Can I keep you company?"

"Sleep, my dear. I'll watch you." For the first time since he had arrived here, his tone sounded different. I didn't sense the pain and the tension in his voice anymore. Was he smiling, perhaps?

"Antonius, is it still so hard?"

"I think...I hope it's getting better."

My eyelids were heavy with sleep, but I struggled to stay awake.

"Do you want me to sing for you?" he offered.

My curiosity was piqued. "Would you?"

"It was something my mother did for me when I was a child," he recalled. "I used to play the cithara and to sing before...you know, before Felix came back. I have never done it in public, but I would have liked to do it for you."

I smiled and nodded at him, knowing that he could see me.

"_Ipse cava solans aegrum testudine amorem_," he began to sing.

My breath caught in my throat as I recognized the famous words by Virgil. It was the story of the legendary musician Orpheus and of his wife, Eurydice.

"_He, soothing his love-sickness, sang of thee, o sweet wife, of thee alone on the solitary shore, of thee at dayspring, of thee at the death of day_," Antonius went on.

After a satyr had caused Eurydice's death, Orpheus had sung so mournfully that his music softened even the hearts of the gods of the Underworld. He had been allowed to bring back Eurydice to the upper world, but then he had lost her again. Would it be our destiny, too? Antonius' sweet voice caressed me, keeping my fears at bay until I returned to my slumber.

"Good morning, dear heart," Antonius greeted me softly as soon as I woke up.

Still wrapped in his cloak, I sat and looked at him. He was even more beautiful than when he was...when he was human. A soft smile was on his face today. I smiled back at him.

"The sun is coming," I noticed. Finally, after such a long rain, a bright light was filtering through the hole on the ceiling. With all my body, I craved its warmth. The longing for the open air was painful. I missed the colors of the trees, the autumn leaves whirling in the wind, and the clouds running one after the other in the sky. The sun made the borders of the fissure glow as if they were golden, and I tried to catch a glimpse of the sapphire sky.

Antonius moved toward the light. Then he jumped back.

I couldn't believe what I had seen, and from his reaction I gathered that he had seen it, too. Under the sun, his skin was shimmering, shining like a gem.

He put his arm under the rays of sun. From the look on his face, I could tell that he wasn't any less frightened than I was. He retreated into the shadows, gaping.

"This is why," he mumbled, as if he were speaking to himself. "Felix always came when it was rainy. He knew it. He knew how he looked under the sun." He pulled at his hair, growling. "He will pay! He will pay for this also," he snarled.

I couldn't do anything but wait for him to release his rage.

I heard him growl and curse Felix. He scratched the wall like a caged animal.

But then I realized that there was something I could still do for him: as I had already done so many times, I closed my eyes and prayed for Antonius. I didn't know what was going on in his mind and his heart, but God did.

The feeble winter sunlight didn't last long. When I opened my eyes again, we were back in the usual gray light.

"Were you praying?" Antonius asked softly.

I recalled the garden of his villa, and the night when I had found a quiet refuge there. I had stared at the blinking stars, trying to lose myself in them, until Antonius had found me praying. Gone were the mocking words he had used then. He whispered his question, as if he were entering a holy place.

"I was."

He kept his head bowed. "I didn't want to disturb you."

"Antonius," I called. "Would you look at me?" I wanted him to see that I was smiling at him. _Can I try? Will it help him? _"Would you pray with me?" I asked.

He sighed. "Bella, how could I?" He appeared sad, but not angry.

I wondered if I should try again, but he continued to speak. "I have a confession for you. When I was...well, before I came here, I prayed to your God. I didn't know what had happened to you, and I asked Him to save your life. But how can He listen to a monster?" He grimaced.

I was incredulous. Was he the same man who had told me that no god had time to listen to me? He had prayed to my God? "Please, Antonius, believe me," I encouraged him. "God is listening to you. Whatever is going to happen, could you believe that He will still listen to you?"

He averted his eyes from me, shaking his head.

"When I lost my parents, I thought that everything had died with them," I continued. "But then, God helped me–through Esma, through you. Would you try to talk to Him?"

"As long as your God keeps you alive and lets me deal with Felix, I'd try anything."

I flinched. "What do you mean, dealing with Felix? Are you going to kill him?"

He tilted his head up; his features seemed made of stone. "I swear to you, Bella, that I'll make Felix pay for what he did. I can't give you anything else, but I'll give you this."

"No!" I cried.

"Isn't it what you want?"

"No, Antonius, no!" I wailed. "How can you–" How could he think I wanted him to _kill_ on my behalf?

"Felix destroyed your family," he recalled. "He caused my mother's death too, and then took my life, damning me to this condition. He has to pay for this and for every single moment of pain he made you endure."

"And you? What would become of you, once you kill him?"

"Does it matter?" he spat.

"Of course it matters! I beg you, don't let him do this to you. Don't let the hate and the anger be the only things you feel," I begged.

He seemed incredulous. "Don't you want Felix to be destroyed so he can't hurt anyone else?"

"I don't want _you_ to be destroyed."

"Don't I deserve to pay, too, for the people I killed?" he seethed.

I cringed. _God, give me the strength. _"God can forgive you, Antonius," I insisted. "I see you suffering for the lives you took, and God knows your contrition. But how could you ask for forgiveness if you are ready to kill again, this time with hate?" I tried to choke back my tears, to no avail.

"I don't deserve your tears," he said quietly. He stood in the middle of the dank prison, his head bowed, shoulders slumped.

I was aching to touch him and to cradle his face in my hands. I stepped forward, but then I caught myself and went back, before he had to stop me. "You deserve everything I have. I'm yours, if you still want me."

Antonius snapped his head up. The flaming red color of his eyes took me aback, but I was struck harder by the sadness that filled them. "If I still want _you_? You have seen what I have become. You are the one who shouldn't want _me_."

I straightened myself, trying to look at him in the face. The words erupted from me in full force. _He must believe me._

"I'll always want you, Antonius."

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Only you can write your review.<strong>

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><p><strong>Announcement! <strong>Next week I'll begin to post a new multichapter story! The next chapter of "De Immortalitate" is due to be posted on 19 November. Romanward hopes that, in the meantime, you'll check the new story - **put me on author alert**, please!

**A/N**

Roman thanks to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
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	21. Faith

**RAUM**

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: The characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

Romanward is back! I've begun to post a new story, _An Italian Winter_. It's on my profile or here: **h t t p : / / www. fanfiction. net / s / 7541183/1/An_Italian_Winter**. Reviewers get a little gift.

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><p><strong>Chapter 21 – Faith<strong>

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><p>"<em>Quid faciant, dic, homines? Cuiue habeant fidem?<em>"

"Say whatever shall humans do? In whom shall man show **faith**?"

(Catullus, 30)

**Antonius' POV**

The words of love I had heard from Bella weren't meant only for the human man I had been. She could love even the unnatural creature I had become. The knowledge that she still cared for me warmed my still heart. I watched her praying, silently. Was she right? Was my hate for Felix in conflict with my love for her?

Every night, I hummed for her until she fell asleep. The pain in my throat was ever-present, but over time it was becoming a manageable burn. The thirst had been maddening when I had been with Bella the first time. Then, the thought that it could be an atonement for the lives I had taken had helped me to resist it. It was my offering for Bella's life, and I was willing to endure every single moment of fire if it meant that she would be free and safe.

The female vampire I had attacked didn't come again. Titus, a vampire guard, brought Bella's meals or took her to the lavatory. Every time he arrived, checking his thoughts wasn't enough to keep me calm. What if he lost his control while he was alone with Bella?

Titus' inner voice reached me before he opened the prison's door. _He cares for _her, he thought._ I've never seen anything similar. A vampire in love with a human. Will he end up drinking from animals to avoid killing her?_

Animals? Had I understood him correctly? Could I feed from animals without killing other human beings?

I stopped the guard. "Is it true? Can we live off animals' blood?" I whispered to him, so low that Bella couldn't hear me.

_What is he talking about? Oh..._"Yes, _mind-reader. _But it's not the same. I had to do it once, when Aro sent me on a mission and there was no other nourishment available."

Another guard was walking along the corridor. I had to be fast. "Could you bring me an animal? I beg you."

He didn't answer immediately, either with his words or with his thoughts. The other guard eyed us. "Stay behind," Titus instructed. "You are a prisoner, and Felix said that you won't have any prey unless you drink the one who is in the cell with you." With that, he left. I tried to read his mind, but he began to think in a language I didn't know.

When he came again to take Bella to the lavatory, something hit my foot. On the ground there was a hedgehog–knocked out, but still alive.

I drained it, gulping down its blood so fast that I almost ended up in a coughing fit. By the time Bella came back to the cell, I had dug a hole in a corner of the prison, and I had buried the carcass there. The hedgehog didn't satiate my thirst by far, but made me stronger in my control. I tried to thank Titus, but he dismissed me. However, as he walked away, he showed me an image in his mind: himself, when he was still human, with a girl.

I couldn't stop thinking about the guard's memory. The vampires I had had the misfortune to meet in Volterra were nothing but a herd of monsters. I had never considered that each had a story behind them. I couldn't reconcile what I knew about vampires with the compassion that one of them had shown me. Did it mean that even a monster could choose to rise above, to retain something of the man he had once been? Could a monster have pity?

When the guard was so far that I couldn't hear his thoughts anymore, I retired to my corner. Bella went back to sit on the ground. Her hair was like a veil on her face; I would have loved to brush it away. Maybe it would become possible...

She had never again asked me to come closer, but I could see the longing in her eyes. I took a deep breath. Could I?

"Be very still," I told her. As slowly as possible, I took a step toward her. Then another. Bella was motionless, but her eyes weren't: I saw them glowing when she understood what I was trying to do. I stopped at arm's length in front of her and held out my hand. I raised it hesitantly, conflict raging in me, and then went a little closer, until I could brush her cheekbone with my fingertips.

Bella was warm and even softer than I remembered. Her face leaning on my hand felt more delicate than the finest silk. I knew that at any moment it could be too much, and her life could end–so quickly that she might not even notice. But I couldn't think of anything, except that I was caressing her.

"May I?" she offered with her arm half-lifted to me.

I nodded.

She put a hand on my forearm. I was stunned by the unexpected feeling that flowed through me at her touch. It brought the strangest sense of relief–as if I had finally calmed down.

"Is it all right?" she asked.

I smiled my _yes_. I savored every moment, without resolving to let her go. I didn't deserve anything, but Bella's caresses told me that I was loved.

"How do I feel to you?" I wondered.

Her hand glided over my skin and reached mine, then she leaned her fingers in my palm. "You are cold and stronger. Your skin is like marble," she said softly.

I basked in her gaze. She was aware of the deaths that my hands had caused, but I couldn't read anything but tenderness in her eyes. Regardless, I asked myself if I had to withdraw my hand. How could I allow Bella–someone so pure–to touch a monster?

As if she could know my thoughts, she gripped my hand tighter. "You are still my Antonius," she murmured.

I noticed a scar on her wrist. "What is that from?" I asked.

"Years ago, I fell in the garden at home while I was playing," she explained. "I was a very rambunctious child and too clumsy." She let out a small, embarrassed laugh.

I caressed the scar. It was a thin, white line on her fair skin. My human eyes hadn't been able to see it clearly. "Tell me more," I encouraged her.

A hint of amusement appeared in her eyes. "About the way I fell?"

"About...everything. Tell me more about that rambunctious child, the things you used to do, your studies...anything."

She took my hand between hers and began to speak.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

**Bella's POV**

I could have talked to Antonius forever, never sleeping, never leaving his side. When the daylight faded, our hands were still intertwined.

"You know...it's almost over," he murmured.

"The Kalends?"

"The Kalends are upcoming," he confirmed. "Then I'll speak again with Felix. I promise I'm considering what you have told me about revenge, Bella," he said quietly. Clearly he had seen the worry on my face.

I had continued to ask God to help him. I was sure that, with His help, Antonius would be able to renounce his vengeance.

"Could you promise me something, my love?" he continued.

"Anything."

"Just be happy, my Bella. Don't forget that little girl who loved the sea and played in the garden. You are amazingly strong. Promise me that you won't give up." His voice was low and warm. If I hadn't seen that his eyes were dry, I would have thought that he was on the verge of tears.

I slowly moved closer to him, gauging his reaction. "As long as we are together, I do feel strong."

He smiled at me, but his eyes were sad. "You don't see your God, do you?"

"No, I don't."

"But you believe that He cares for you."

I nodded. "That I do."

"So, Bella, whatever happens, even if we won't always be together or if you don't see me for a while, can you believe that I care for you and love you?"

My heart trembled with joy in my chest as he told me that he loved me. But his words sounded strange to me, as if he were bidding me farewell. I dismissed this thought; I had no reason to doubt that Antonius wanted to be with me. I had doubted him before, when he had sent me to the farm, and I wasn't going to make the same mistake again.

"Come here," he said. I looked up at him as he put both his hands on my shoulders. Carefully, his arms closed around me. I leaned my cheek on his chest, as I had done when we were at his home. I could no longer hear his heartbeat, but I knew that his love still resided there. Antonius put a hand on the side of my neck. I stayed very still, but there wasn't any hint of fear in me.

"Bella," he whispered to me. I could feel his voice vibrating in his chest. "May I kiss you?"

My eyes prickled with tears. I felt moisture on my cheeks, but Antonius' thumb wiped it away. He had asked my consent before kissing me when we were at the villa. Was his question confirming that he was choosing me again?

As I leaned toward him, he seemed to hesitate. But then he closed the distance between us. Our lips exchanged a soft caress; I breathed his breath, savoring his heady scent. Antonius cradled my face in his hands for a moment.

Suddenly, he distanced himself from me. I looked at him; his irises had changed during our imprisonment. They weren't red anymore; they had become almost black. The shadows under his eyes had darkened day by day.

"Is it still difficult, being with me?" I asked.

He merely nodded in response. He was exhausted and needed to feed; he couldn't hide it. I was sure that he wasn't going to harm me, but another life would be ended to allow Antonius to survive. I shuddered at the thought.

"Am I making you uncomfortable?" he asked. "You are shivering."

"No," I rushed to reassure him.

He invited me back to his embrace. "What are you thinking?" he asked softly.

I shrugged. "It's nothing."

"Bella, you can tell me anything."

"You need to feed," I told him.

He sighed. "I do. But I swear that I won't harm you."

"But you will have to kill someone else or you will starve." I slapped my hand over my mouth. Had I really spoken my thoughts aloud?

A heavy silence descended on us. He closed his eyes, and his grip tightened around me. But when he looked at me again, there was a new resolution on his face.

"No," he stated.

"But there's no other way-"

"Maybe there is one," he insisted. "A guard has brought me an animal and I have fed from it. I will try again...look for a deer or a boar. But I won't kill any human being to feed, I swear it."

I embraced him as tightly as I could. "Thank you," I told him quietly.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

**Antonius' POV**

Holding Bella in my arms was like being in front of a fireplace in a winter day. I was amazed by the way she reacted to me–as if she were melting in my embrace. _If you could be mine, and only mine, forever_. I recalled the fire of my change. It had destroyed everything I was and everything I had, but Bella's love had been stronger than that. Not even that inhuman torture had had the power to break my tie with her.

Just a handful of hours and then...

I pushed away my fears. _Bella will live_, I reminded to myself._ Bella will be free_. I had to cling to this certainty. The memories she had shared with me about her childhood and her life at her parents' home were a cherished treasure for me. They were her latest gift.

She snuggled into me, and her heartbeat didn't show any fear. _She trusts me. _I would have died a second time if I had hurt her, but her love had saved me once again. When I hadn't trusted my control, she had given me her faith.

I draped my cloak tightly around her and held her all night long. I lulled her to sleep and I recalled what I had daydreamed about in my human life. I mourned all the dreams that I couldn't have anymore: to be her husband, her lover, the other half of her soul.

She slept in my arms until the first ray of light came through the aperture in the ceiling. Then, as I heard that two guards were approaching, I whispered to her softly. "It's over, my love."

The door opened and two vampires stepped inside. "Aro is waiting for you," they announced.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Only you can write your review.<strong>

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><p><strong>AN**

Romanward's next chapter is due on December 3, while _An Italian Winter_'s next installment is due on November 25.**  
><strong>

Abundant thanks to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)  
>Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: <strong>http :  / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


	22. Freedom

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: The characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Chapter 22 – Freedom<strong>

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><p>"<em>Quid tam populare quam libertas? quam non solum ab hominibus verum etiam a bestiis expeti atque omnibus rebus anteponi videtis."<em>

"What is so advantageous to the people as **freedom**? Which is sought out and preferred to everything, not only by men, but even by the beasts."

(Cicero, _On the Agrarian Law_, 2)

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><p>I put my arm around Bella, holding her close to my side, and began to follow the guards. As soon as we walked into the morning light outside the prison, Bella squinted; after being in the darkness for days, her eyes were dazzled. She inhaled the fresh air deeply, looking around. I gauged her reaction as her gaze glided over me; in the daylight, even without the sun, my body was glowing. But I couldn't detect any rejection on her face. On the contrary, she gave me a gentle, tentative smile.<p>

"The human is too slow," one of the guards snapped. "Carry her."

I didn't want to frighten Bella with my speed, but I didn't argue with the guard, since we were so close to getting our freedom back. I took her in my arms and held her tightly. "Close your eyes," I whispered to her. She did as I had instructed and curled up against me, clutching my tunic.

Aro's teeth glistened in a wide smile as we crossed the threshold of his _domus_' hall. Felix kept his distance, his head bowed, eyes fixed to the ground. Through his thoughts, I caught his disbelief as he saw that I had succeeded and Bella was still alive. But then I focused only on her.

Bella opened her eyes and yelped in surprise. I kept her in my arms, shushing her while I pressed my hand against her mouth, trying to prevent her from screaming out loud. She trembled as Aro came toward us and his crimson eyes met hers. When his thoughts focused on the blood rushing in Bella's body and he quickly licked his lips, I had to suppress a growl.

"My dear Antonius, your restraint!" Aro sighed. "I did not know such strength was possible. If I had not seen you resist her blood's call, I would not have believed it."

Then he took my hand in his.

I felt violated when he saw what had passed between Bella and me in the days we had spent together. I could see how my memories were absorbed by his mind as clearly as if I were looking in a mirror.

_My anger_. The pantry: that was what he called the labyrinth of caves where he and his companions kept the humans they were going to drain. Aro knew how I hated him and Felix for every moment of pain, fear and sorrow that Bella had endured because of them.

_Bella's desperation. _The expression on her face the first time she had seen me. She had realized that the man she had fallen in love with had been destroyed. I wanted to erase that moment from my memory, but it was impossible.

_My resolution. _I had vowed to myself that I was going to leave Bella in peace. She didn't deserve to be further hurt by monsters like Felix or Aro, or like me. Her life didn't have to be marred by fear and anguish anymore.

_Bella's acceptance. _Her love had proven to be even stronger than the horrors she had been exposed to. I was damned to the darkness, but her light could brighten even the most obscure places of my dead heart.

_Our memories. _Until the last moment of my existence, I would treasure the memory of all my days with Bella. They were intimate mementos, but Aro's talent spoiled them.

"What a moving couple!" he exclaimed as he finished reading my thoughts. "My dear Antonius, you remind me of _The Adventures of Leucippe and Clitophon_! You have been tried to the limit for her, haven't you?"

"I've been told that there would be an offer for me," I said, simmering with barely suppressed rage.

Aro chuckled. "Truth to be told, we didn't expect you to succeed. I wasn't counting on seeing your treasured human still alive."

I tightened my arm around Bella. "I have earned my freedom, according to your rules," I reminded him. "Please, let us go."

"Slow down," he scoffed. "Young men are always so impatient. You are going to leave together, I suppose?"

"Of course!" Why on Earth would he doubt it? His thoughts weren't revealing his plans. I looked over at Felix. In his mind, I couldn't see anyone other than myself, among other guards of Aro's army. "Felix, didn't you give me Bella when I was still human?" I asked.

He barely raised his eyes and looked at us. "I did," he admitted.

"So I claim my right to take her away with me." I took Bella's hand and caressed it lightly. _Is this the last time I will hold her hand? _

I was losing her for good, but I was going to find a way to help her. I would secure her future. Esma was going to care for her as for a daughter. Sextius could run the villa. Or she might go to Emeritus, in Rome. My personal assets would be at her disposal.

But Aro intervened. "It seems that you have always been very careful to observe the rules, Antonius. I've got a question for you. What do you think that a leader should do if someone doesn't respect the greatest rule?" he inquired.

"I don't believe that you are actually interested in my ideas about law," I objected.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "Just answer my question."

"He must punish him according to law," I replied curtly.

"Very well. So I can hope that you will accept your punishment without complaining."

A sudden wave of anger made me scream. "What _punishment_? I did everything you required of me. _You promised!_ I am free and so is Bella! Are you going back on your word?"

"_You_ went back on your word," he spat. "You didn't play by your father's rules."

I read his thoughts and was frightened. Images of other immortals, being dismembered in front of him, showed up in his mind. But I had to focus on the accusations he was flinging at me. "When did I do so? How can you suggest that?" I couldn't believe that Felix was proving to be such a sore loser. I turned to him accusingly. "Felix! What have you brewed this time?"

"Felix has done nothing wrong. He was right when he told you to respect our rules!" Aro boomed. "Exposure of our kind must be avoided at any cost. Since we were going to decide very soon if you were worthy of being changed, we gave Felix preferential treatment, and he was allowed to tell you about us. But you were told to keep everything you knew about your father and our nature to yourself, and you didn't obey." He motioned to Bella, without looking at her. "You told her everything. You must face the consequences."

I was dumbstruck. I realized that, when Aro had read my thoughts, he had discovered everything Bella and I had talked about. I had never told anyone what I knew about Felix's change. The men in the house would have been frightened, and everyone else would have considered me out of my mind. It was only with Bella that I had felt that I could share my burden. I would bear the entire responsibility.

I shielded my beloved with my body. "Leave Bella in peace, and I'll face any consequence," I pleaded.

"It's not that simple," Aro hissed. "The punishment for exposure is death. Both for you and for her."

Silence fell.

Felix was frozen. _He's my son! _he wailed in his mind.

The monsters around us became as still as statues. Aro gloated, seeing my desperation but remaining as impassive as the figures portrayed on the frescoed walls.

Bella's heart was hammering against her ribs. I expected her to faint at any moment. Instead, she took a step forward and spoke.

"Punish me, not Antonius," she pleaded. "He kept your secret from everyone. I'm but a slave. Please, take my life and spare his."

Aro looked at her, confused and intrigued. _Doe__sn't she fear death? Would she still be so brave if..._

_No. _I had to stop Aro. I considered what I could still offer to him. _It's for Bella_, I reminded myself. _She's worth it_. I struggled to maintain my composure. "You said you wanted me as a guard," I told him smoothly.

Aro averted his eyes from Bella and nodded at me.

"If you destroy me, my talent would be lost, too. I apologize if I've been far too hasty in turning down your generous offer." Each word stung my lips, but I continued. "Might we not come to an arrangement that would be convenient for everyone?"

An unctuous smile returned to Aro's face. "Go on."

"I can assure you that Bella would never tell anyone what she knows about us. Please," I implored, "let her live her life, without any contact with us, and I'll be honored to join your guard immediately. I'll put myself and my talent at your complete disposal."

Bella gasped, but I didn't look at her. I could feel her shaking against my chest. I was offering everything I had, but it might not be enough to save her life. "Just let her carry on her life," I insisted. "How long is human time, compared to immortality?" Saying it aloud hurt even more, knowing that Bella was listening to us. "In exchange for the years of her life, I'll serve you forever."

"I already know that you haven't exposed our secret to anyone other than her," Aro said. I struggled to read his thoughts, frantic to know if he would accept my offer. But his mind became a stone wall against which my talent shattered.

Behind Aro, two monsters who had followed our exchange began to talk quietly.

"What can you feel, Marcus?" one of them asked the other.

"Believe me, Caius, I've never seen a bond like this," he answered. "I wonder if there's anything that he wouldn't do for her–and she's just a human!"

They shut up as Aro cleared his throat. "Destroying you would be a great loss, indeed," he said. The wave of relief that filled Felix's thoughts was disturbing in its force. But I didn't care about myself. I had to know what the consequences were for Bella.

"Aro," Caius called harshly. He stepped toward us, glaring at me. "We can't allow a human to know everything about us," he snarled.

"No!" I growled at him. The stony grip of Aro's guards blocked me. Fast as a gust of wind, one of the monsters ripped me away from Bella before I could launch myself at Caius.

Aro turned again to Bella. _She's nothing but a human, _he thought,_ and a slave, at that. Why is she so special? _He lifted an arm toward her, his face a mocking mask of serenity. "May I?" he asked her, moving his hand to touch her fingers. _I need to see her mind._

Bella flinched, but then took hold of herself and faced the monster. Aro reached out and pressed his hand against hers.

And then his smile disappeared.

For a long moment he studied her, his eyes wide. _I can't..._he said in his mind. _It's not possible...it's never happened..._

He released her and looked at me. "So very interesting," he mumbled. "I supposed that you couldn't read her mind because your gift is still new. Instead she's immune to my talent, too. The Fates chose well, putting you two together." An image of Bella with red eyes and pale skin took shape in his mind. "I wonder what kind of an immortal she would make."

"Never!" My scream died in my throat as the guard grabbed my neck, allowing me nothing more than a ragged sob. I had already told Bella about the days of tremendous pain I had endured in the metamorphosis, when my human body died. She should never be tortured in that way. Aro and Felix described our condition as a privilege, while it was nothing but an endless nightmare. I would never allow them to damn Bella to such a hideous existence.

Bella tried to run toward me, but Aro held her in place. "We aren't as evil as we may seem to you," he told her. He tilted up her chin, his eyes boring into hers. "I'll give you a choice. Antonius is willing to barter his freedom for your human life. But if you were changed into an immortal, maybe you could both join my guard."

I struggled against the monster who was holding me down. The floor cracked when he slammed my head into it.

"You said no one is forced to be in your guard. Would you force Antonius or me, if I became like him?" Bella's voice was no more than an unsure whisper, but her words were enough to amaze the creatures around her with her courage.

Aro gave her a tight smile. "You weren't born a slave, were you?" he surmised. "My guards aren't slaves, either. Each of them chooses to serve us. I can be very patient, and I would wait for Antonius and for you to make your decision."

There were no reasons that would lead Bella to such a choice. None that I could accept. How could she consider becoming a monster like Felix, like Aro…like me?

Silence reigned until Bella spoke.

"May I accept your offer?"

If I had still had blood in my veins, it would have run cold when I heard Aro's laugh.

I looked at Bella, and behind the tears that veiled her eyes I recognized her implacable determination. Exhausted, dirty, and covered in rags, she stood prouder than a queen in front of our enemies. And, in the eyes of the vampires, I saw awe.

I had always considered my freedom of foremost importance. I was ready to give up it for Bella's sake, but she was giving up so much more.

"Antonius, I won't leave you," she murmured, as if it were enough to justify the sacrifice of her life.

I growled when Aro took Bella's hand. "Come, my dear," he encouraged her.

"_Don't!_" I screamed.

Bella called my name as Aro led her away, followed by Felix, Caius and Marcus.

I fought against the guards to no avail. It was the same torture I had made my victims suffer: feeling that I was losing everything and being completely helpless to prevent it.

When I caught a last glimpse of Aro's thoughts, he was already thinking about his teeth sinking into Bella's neck. My beloved–her life, her future–was in the hands of her executioner.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

_Nothing. _There was nothing I could do to save Bella at that point.

Defeated and broken, I was left on the ground. The guards also took their leave, seeing that I wasn't fighting anymore. I didn't have anything left to fight for. Once again, a human life–_Bella's_ life–would end because of me.

I felt numb as I stood. I clutched my shoulder and realized that the guard had probably dislocated it when he had ripped me away from Bella. But, worse than that, the burn in my throat was excruciating. Not even when I had awakened as a monster, had it been so painful.

I tried to walk, but my knees gave way. As it had happened when I was human and sleep had weighed down my eyes at night, it seemed that I couldn't stand up. _I must feed_, I realized.

"_If you can manage to restrain yourself for two days and two nights, you will be free_," Aro had declared when I had killed my first two victims. I had achieved that and accomplished much more, resisting Bella's blood for ten days, but it hadn't been enough to escape the traps of that wily fox. As long as Bella was in his hands, my freedom had no meaning for me.

I only ventured outside to feed because I knew that, without any strength left, I wouldn't be able to face the monsters who had taken Bella. No guard stopped me. According to Aro's rules, since my plea to spare Bella's life had been refused, I could still leave.

Shifting visions whirled through my mind as I left Aro's _domus_. I recalled the hedgehog Titus had brought to me in the prison. I had to reach the woods and avoid any humans who could be nearby.

The memory of my promise to Bella gave me the strength to keep going. At last, I found a steep hill. In a secluded meadow, two deer were drinking from a pond. It made me remember the times I had gone hunting–the stalking of my prey, hidden behind the bushes, and the excitement of the final strike.

Startled, the bigger deer raised his head from the water as I approached. I crouched down and swallowed hard. With a desperate bolt, I covered the space between me and the beast, my teeth slicing through its flesh before it could take a single step away from death.

I drank the bitter nourishment the animal provided. Then I knelt beside the pond. The water showed the reflection of a monster. I stared at my ruby-colored eyes, still incredulous that they belonged to me. My fist stirred the water until the image of the unnatural creature I didn't want to see dissolved in loose circles on the pond's surface.

I wiped the remnants of blood from my face. The gesture wasn't new to me–I had done it before, when the other soldiers and I had washed ourselves after a battle, believing that we were also purifying ourselves of the blood of the enemies we had killed. I had new enemies to face this time, without any soldiers at my side. My growl echoed through the woods at the memory of the last moments when I had heard Bella's heartbeat fading in the distance. The monsters had run away with her, until I lost track of them.

_What if Aro doesn't stop in time... _A blasphemy formed in my mind: I cursed my restraint, since it had made me control my instincts during our imprisonment. I should have given Bella a merciful death, when I still could. I would have held her in my arms until the last breath left her body, and she would have joined her parents in Heaven, as she deserved. I would have...

A new stream of thoughts reached me.

"Antonius."

I looked Felix square in the eyes as he approached. For the first time since I had been changed into a creature of his kind, we were alone. I could attempt to attack him; there was a good chance that nobody would arrive in time to stop me.

Felix narrowed his eyes at me. My intentions weren't hidden to him, but he didn't pull back. I crouched, my teeth bared. Then Bella's words came back to me.

"_Don't you want Felix to be destroyed so he can't hurt anyone else?" _I had asked her.

"_I don't want _you_ to be destroyed."_

I searched Felix's thoughts. He knew that, in a fight, only one of us would make it out of the forest.

"Leave the people of the villa in peace. Sextius can run it," I offered. "They'll believe that I died during the journey."

For a long moment, Felix considered my suggestion. I saw his thoughts shifting: the two of us fighting; an image of me as a warrior in the army he belonged to; and one of his human memories–the day when he had been told that he had become the father of a baby boy.

"I will," he muttered.

I nodded at him, acknowledging his words, but I continued to search his mind. "You don't know where they have taken Bella," I realized.

He shook his head. "I've talked with Aro, though," he said. "Bella will be your responsibility. If you fail, if you can't control her or yourself, you won't be given another chance. She's entrusted to you. She's still yours."

"_She is_?" I repeated. "Does it mean that she'll live?"

Felix's lips curled, but his smile didn't reach his eyes. "She'll become one of us. Then you two can make your decision." In his thoughts, he knew that it was the last time he would look upon his son. "So, the slave freed the master."

"Bella is not my slave," I retorted. "But how can you understand..." I didn't finish my sentence. In a flash, an image of my mother and Felix–as they had been before his departure–passed through his mind. I bowed my head, waiting for Felix's thoughts to shift.

"Follow me," he instructed at last. "As soon as Bella awakens, Aro will lead her back to you."

Following Felix's billowing cloak, I pumped my legs, streaking through the dark, thick underbrush of the forest, the air rushing past me. _Soon. _I would return to the woods soon, and Bella would be at my side.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Only you can write your review!<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

_The Adventures of Leucippe and Clitophon_, written by Achilles Tatius (Second century AD), is one of the five surviving Ancient Greek romances. They are adventure tales, in which a virtuous heroine and her valiant lover are separated by a series of misadventures (usually kidnapping, shipwrecks, or bandits). The couple is eventually reunited and lives happily hereafter.

Romanward's next chapter is due on December 17, while An Italian Winter's next installment is due on December 9 (www. fanfiction. net/s/7541183/1/An_Italian_Winter).

Huge thanks to **Camilla10** – who read 11 (yep, eleven!) different drafts of this chapter, with different outcomes, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. We're nearing _De Immortalitate_'s conclusion, and they gave me such a precious help! Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

Jmolly is posting a new story, _Make Haste My Beloved_. Go read it! www. fanfiction. net/s/7600874/1/Make_Haste_My_Beloved (banner on http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com).

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195


	23. Immortals

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: The characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

On December 17, 2010, **Camilla10** - my fantastic prereader - and I met through our common passion for _Twilight_ fanfics. We found each other through a couple of great fics (go read them!): "Love is always an option," by Serendipitous/Meilleur Café, and "The Singer and the Sorrow," by MG2112.

Without Camilla10's encouragement, without her enthusiasm and her passion, I would have never thought that I could try to write (and in English!).

Camilla is currently posting her new story "The Pilgrimage," with an original character, the fascinating vampire Adso, who will conquer your heart. Go enjoy it!

"The Pilgrimage" by Camilla: h t t p : / / twilighted. net/ viewstory. php? sid= 15919

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><p><strong>Chapter 23 – Immortals<strong>

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><p>"<em>Quod tu es ego fui, quod ego sum et tu eris."<em>

"I was what you are, you'll be what I am."

(Fano inscription)

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><p><strong>Antonius' POV<strong>

When Felix and I got back to Aro's _domus_, in the mind of the inhuman creature who was patrolling the _atrium_ I saw the same image Felix had shown me in his thoughts: me, as a guard in their immortal army. My repulsion increased. It seemed that everyone in the _domus_ was expecting that, at any moment, Aro would announce my–and Bella's–admission into his inner circle.

_We'll leave,_ I silently vowed, thinking about Bella. _Until the last moment of my existence, I'll ensure my freedom and yours._

Felix led me toward a secluded room and took his leave. If the _domus_ had been used by humans, it would have been a bedroom. The _cubiculum_ was windowless, and the only light was provided by a candle. The semidarkness made me recall the prison where Bella and I had been held, and worse, the sadness on her expression every time she had seen the last rays of daylight fading, knowing that at nighttime she wouldn't have been able to see me anymore. I clung to every memory I had of my beloved. It was as if I could still hear her voice: the words she had mumbled in her slumber, the whispers of her prayers.

"_Pater Hemon_..." I murmured. I had listened to her reciting that prayer so many times, that even without my supernatural memory I would have learned it by heart.

The moments when she prayed had been the ones when she appeared more at peace. _Would she pray also_...I couldn't complete my thought. A sob erupted as I considered that Bella was suffering the flames of her metamorphosis, burning in the same devastating fire which had taken my human life away. I couldn't do anything to ease her pain.

"Help her," I begged her God. "Bella told me that, according to her religion, there is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends. Bella gave everything to help me. Help her now, if You can!"

I went on my knees, as I had seen Bella doing when she prayed.

"_Pater Hemon_," I repeated. The words felt like a scorching fire on my lips. What kind of God accepted being called "Father" by His believers? _Father..._I had had a father, but then he had become my worst enemy. Could I hope that Bella's unknown God wasn't going to betray her and me? _Our Father_, Bella had said. According to her faith, was the tie among believers as strong as the one between brothers and sisters?

_You who to me are father, mother, brother, and dear husband_–the loving words that Andromache had spoken to her spouse Hector in Homer's _Iliad_ came back to me.

Like Bella, Andromache had lost her parents, and Hector was the only family she had left. Could I hope to be the same for Bella? When I had read the _Iliad_, I had greatly admired Hector because of his courage. He had fought for his country, even when he already knew he was going to die and leave his wife unprotected.

"I won't ever choose anything over you," I vowed to Bella, although I didn't know where Aro had brought her, and she couldn't hear me. "I won't have anything but you to fight for, to die for...and to live for."

A new stream of thoughts reached me and made me bolt toward the door. In the mind I read, I saw Bella writhing in agony during her change, begging for help and crying her last tears. Then, I envisioned the moment when her heartbeat had become more and more frantic, approaching its death. Bella's face relaxed, and her lips parted, with a whisper on them: _Antonius_.

"Where is she?" I growled at Aro. The monster had just shown me his recent memories.

An intrigued smile stretched his lips. "She's arriving. Can't you detect her thoughts?"

I couldn't. I struggled to find any other trace of her upcoming arrival.

"Just like I suspected," Aro went on. "She's still able to shield our talents."

I paid him no further attention. A slim woman appeared in the corridor, led by a guard. Bella was walking toward us with her head bowed, her locks loosened on her shoulders; she was wearing a long, elegant tunic, partially covered by an embroidered cloak.

"Be careful," Aro muttered. "She's very calm, but newborns can be extremely volatile."

"Bella," I called quietly.

She raised her head. Gone were her tears; her skin was translucent, her features so fine that I could compare her only to the statues of the most beautiful goddesses.

But in the eyes of the silent goddess who was looking at me, I saw fear.

Bella wasn't calm, as Aro had assumed. She was terrified.

A traitorous thought made me shudder: _What if the metamorphosis changed her to the point that she doesn't remember anything?_

Bella averted her eyes from me and looked down.

Slowly, I took a step forward, and reached out my hand toward her. "Take it," I encouraged her.

At first she hesitated, but then she rested her fingers on my palm. Gone was the heat I had felt when I had touched her for the first time, after my own change.

"_You are cold and stronger. Your skin is like marble," _she had told me then.

She didn't seem inhuman to me now. Instead, she was soft and warm. As we had been when we were human, we were equals again.

"It's me," I told her quietly.

She looked at me. Her pupils shone like rubies. The flames of her transformation had burnt the chestnut brown of her eyes, but not the tenderness of her gaze.

"Antonius," she murmured, her voice lighter than a summer breeze.

I smiled at her. "_Your_ Antonius."

Bella brought her free hand to her throat. "It burns," she murmured worriedly.

I gathered her in my arms. "I know, love, I know."

Aro was gloating. His thoughts told me that he was sure that we wouldn't resist the bloodlust. "Hunting is forbidden in Volterra," he informed us. "But I can have someone brought in."

Bella stiffened in my arms.

"No," I answered curtly. "We'll leave, if you don't mind."

"Still adamant in your decision?" Aro inquired.

I nodded.

Aro motioned to the guard, who handed him a little bag.

"A gift for you, Bella," he announced, retrieving a jewel from the bag. "As a reminder that you and Antonius will be always welcome in Volterra." He lifted a golden necklace–it resembled a snake, with a ruby marking its eyes–and placed it around Bella's neck.

Bella frowned; she seemed at unease with the gift, but I stopped her before she could speak. Refusing a present would have been an offense, although I also would have liked to reject Aro's jewel. The best way to keep Bella safe was by leaving as soon as we could.

"Thank you," I rushed to say. "_Ave atque vale_, Aro."

I held Bella's hand tighter. "We're going away, love," I murmured to her.

Finally, the hint of a smile grazed her lips.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

We left Volterra and didn't turn back. The thoughts of other vampires reached me as we walked through the _atrium_. The guards' musing weren't reassuring: they couldn't believe that we had refused Aro's offer; in their opinion, we wouldn't find any better opportunity in our existence. Felix's voice was among them. Through the images of his mind, I gathered that he was watching us from afar. I dismissed his thoughts, as well as the ones of the other monsters, determined to give Bella my full attention.

"You need to feed," I told her.

She looked at me, her eyes wide. "I can't." She raised her voice. "Antonius, help me. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"You won't," I assured her. "We'll go into the forest. There are animals there. I'll be at your side."

She could have run with me, but I asked if I could carry her in my arms, eager to feel that my beloved was still with me. We went back to the pond where I had seen that deer come to drink. One of them was approaching.

We stood downwind of the animal, too far from it to be seen. Nevertheless, it sensed the danger we posed and stopped in its tracks, ready to bolt away.

Bella and I stood and looked at it. She swallowed hard as the wind blew toward us, bringing the animal's scent closer. "How can we...?" she asked.

I caressed her lightly and left her side. "Let me do it for you."

The deer ran away, frantically dashing among the leaves and bushes, but I was faster. I trapped the prey in my grip, restraining it. Bella's gaze didn't leave me. She stared at me and the animal, her lips parted, taking deep breaths. With a fast motion, I sliced the deer's neck open. "Drink," I encouraged her.

She seemed unsure as she lowered her head toward the animal's open wound, but as she smelled the warm, thick blood, she began to suck it and swallow long gulps. I licked my lips at the thought that her mouth was where mine had been just a moment before, her tongue grazing the marks that my teeth had left.

I recalled the rite of the _confarreatio_, which I had seen in Rome. Patrician bride and bridegroom shared a _panis farreus_–a loaf of spelt–on their wedding, in front of two high priests and ten witnesses. We didn't have but the trees and the sky as witnesses, but I knew that my bond with Bella couldn't have been sealed better. No temple was needed for us. Solemn and generous, nature was offering us its gifts. We would accept them with respect and gratitude, taking only what we needed. We weren't going to abuse it, I swore to myself.

When Bella finished drinking, her cheeks appeared slightly flushed. It resembled the way she had blushed when she was still human, but I dismissed the thought. I didn't want to linger on what had been lost, but on what we still had. "Better?" I asked her softly.

She nodded. "Is it the way you've fed?"

"It is," I confirmed.

A light smile appeared on her lips. "You kept your promise."

I mirrored her smile. "I did, love."

She averted her eyes from me. "And Felix?"

I took both her hands in mine. "You won't have to see him anymore." She tilted up her head, startled. "I didn't harm him, Bella," I went on. "I recalled what you told me. If he still exists, it's because you taught me to not let hate overwhelm me."

"Thank God," she murmured, sighing in relief.

I cradled her face in my hands. "Thank you, my love," I whispered to her. "But thanks also to your God, because He brought you back to me."

Bella's eyes glistened. But she couldn't shed tears anymore. "God knows my heart. In my prayers, in front of Him, I chose you."

"Bella." I savored the sound of her name. "I also want to choose you in front of Him. I want to marry you according to our customs, but also according to your religion."

The joy I saw on her face didn't need words to be expressed. But Bella spoke the ones that I most desired to hear. "_Ubi tu Gaius, ego Gaia_." I considered what they meant: _When-and __where you are Gaius, I then-and-there am Gaia. _She had just promised me that she would be where I was going to be.

My smile grew wider. I moved closer, until our foreheads touched. "Ubi tu Gaia, ego Gaius," I replied, our breath mingling as I brushed her lips with mine.

Eyes closed, we deepened our kiss. My hands roamed her body and she did the same on me, familiarizing ourselves with our new nature, but recognizing that, in our core, we still were the man and woman who had said "yes" to each other. We had lost our freedom, and then we had gained it back. While we had been robbed of our life as we had known it, we would find a way to make our new condition worth living. _Per aspera ad astra_, Virgil had said. _Through hardships to the stars. _Through every difficulty our hold on each other had proved to be permanent and unbreakable. When the forest ferns welcomed us, more splendid than the linen of a nuptial bed, I didn't doubt that Bella and I, even after we had experienced the longest darkness, would come forth to behold the stars.

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><p><strong>Thanks for reading! Only you can write your review!<strong>

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><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

About Hector and Andromache, Antonius recalls the sixth book of the _Iliad _by Homer.

A Roman wedding ceremony included the words _Ubi tu Gaius, ego Gaia_ ("When-and where you are Gaius, I then-and-there am Gaia"–meaning "I will be where you will be"), spoken by the bride. The bridegroom replied _Ubi tu Gaia, ego Gaius_. The _confarreatio_ was another way to celebrate wedding, especially among patricians.

Romanward's next installment is the Epilogue. I aim to post it in a few days.

_An Italian Winter_'s next chapter is due on December 23 (www. fanfiction. net/s/7541183/1/An_Italian_Winter).

My biggest thanks to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. Thanks to **Project Team Beta**.

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195


	24. Epilogue

**De Immortalitate – Immortality**

Disclaimer: The characters of _Twilight_ are owned by Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement intended at any point.

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><p><strong>Epilogue <strong>

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><p><strong>Bella's POV<strong>

AD 2011

The Latin poet Horace believed that, with his literary works, he was raising a monument more permanent than brass.

"_I__ shall __not __wholly __die_,"he affirmed. "_Large__ residue__ shall __escape__ the __queen __of __funerals_." Isn't literary glory an amazing way to overcome Death?

The poem makes me smile every time I read it. "_Ever__ new__ my __after__ fame __shall __grow,__ while __pontiffs __climb__ with __silent __maids __the __Capitolian__ height_," he wrote. It seemed far too pretentious in those times. The pontiffs and the College of the Vestal Virgins had had their rites in Rome for centuries before Horace's birth, and they were supposed to last forever. Today, many centuries after Horace's death, his literary works are still read and studied worldwide, while the temple of Vesta was closed in 391 and Coelia Concordia, the last vestal virgin in history, stepped down from her post in 394. More than sixteen hundred years ago.

Sometimes it seems to me that nothing remains of the world where Antonius and I met and fell in love. On other days, it seems that, under the surface of all the time we have spent together, nothing has been lost.

We have always tried to retain as much of our humanity as possible; the fact that Antonius and I from the very beginning found a way to live off animals helped us immensely to accept our condition as vampires.

I didn't lose my religion. I'm still Christian, even after all these centuries, and Antonius embraced my faith shortly after my change. But what surprises us most is that, after almost two millennia, religious discrimination and harassment are still a reality. One of my students once told me that war is one of the few constants in human history.

He was one of many students I have had since women were allowed to become teachers and professors. The passion for literature I shared with Antonius is very much alive, even now. I've been a teacher of several subjects in different schools, since we have to relocate often to keep up our charade, but my students are most impressed by my Latin. They often tell me that it seems I've always spoken it and don't know how right they are.

In contrast, Antonius has traveled different roads. An economist, historian, anthropologist and musician over the years, the only path he has never followed is that of a soldier.

My husband and I still travel a lot, and sometimes we go back to Italy. We have visited Rome only a few times, and we never went back to where the ruins of Antonius' villa are still visited by tourists.

We never saw Aro or Felix again.

Every time we return to our home country, we visit my city. I remember my parents there, I walk along the beach –if the weather allows it in the daytime– and I share the memories of my childhood with Antonius. I lost some of them during my change, but Antonius recalled everything I had told him during our imprisonment and helped me to remember. It's another thing I am grateful to him for.

I still call him Antonius, but now he uses a new name. He chose it a long time ago, and I think it was a way to cut the last ties with Felix. Antonius, whose name was Antonius Masus Felicii, goes by Edward Cullen nowadays. Or better, he went to Anthony Edward Masen and then to Edward Anthony Cullen.

We have new names and a new life. We had believed that the Pillars of Hercules were the ultimate border of the world. Instead, we found the world was larger: we moved to the United States. There, we met another vampire who fed on animals' blood and we joined his coven.

These days, Antonius poses as Carlisle Cullen's brother. Carlisle became Antonius' best friend, and my husband says that Carlisle and his wife Esme remind him so much of his preceptor, Caile, and of his wet-nurse, Esma.

When we talk about eternal life, we remind ourselves that even our life on this Earth, although so long, isn't eternal. Time and history will come to an end, too.

We have some beloved people who are waiting for us –my parents, Antonius' mother, Esma, Sextius, Alica and Jaspis– and we are sure that one day, sooner or later, we will finally meet them again.

The world around us has changed many, many times, and it can be overwhelming, even for supernatural beings. But when Antonius holds me in his arms and we make love, I know where our past, present and future are. He will always be my haven, as long as we both shall live.

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><p><strong>Finis – The End<strong>

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><p><strong>Author's Notes<strong>

Bella refers to Horace, _Odes_, III, 30, "_Exegi __monumentum._"

Thank you to all of you. You made this experience both exciting and rewarding for me beyond belief.

I'd like to say _Grazie _to **Camilla10**, **LJSummers**, **Duskwatcher2153**, **Marlena516**, and **Jmolly**. With great generosity they've given me their time, suggestions, feedback, and encouragement. Meeting them has been a joy and a pleasure. Thanks also to Project Team Beta and to Emergency Beta Service.

Thank you for every review, rec, alert, and tweet. MWAH ;)

I'm focusing on _An __Italian __Winter _now (www.fanfiction.net/s/7541183/1/An_Italian_Winter). Please give it a try. You know the drill: reviewers get a little gift.

There are some other stories under my profile page. Feel free to see if anything else peaks your interest.

Don't forget to tip your bartender with a review on your way out. *turns out lights*

Take care,

- _Raum_ from Italy

I'm on Twitter (**RaumTweet**)

Twific recs and reviews, story extras and writing tips: **http : / / myreadinglounge. blogspot. com/**

Romanward's thread on Twilighted: **http : / / www . twilighted. net / forum/ viewtopic. php?f=33&t=17195**


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